Thank you for not fighting
You made it easier for me to move.
but at least I look this good”
- We can’t be friends (Ariana Grande, 2024)
Our world stops, but time continues to move. How is it fair? The countless memories, stories we’ve shared, time we spent, words we spoke, inside jokes we laughed about, and promises we’ve made — What about those things?
I’d love to gaslight my self that being always the bigger person brings me peace, though I always know it’s not. I still remember those moments where I remain stoic on things you always do that made me question, doubt, and hate my self. From those times where I always think that “I probably deserve this” to moments of animosity towards myself, are seen beyond the surface. Yet, underneath those self-made lies, uncovering the uncomfortable truth that I never want to admit — It’s one-sided. But shame on me because I always stay, I’m still here holding on to our promised that we’ll going to fix everything when things go wrong.
But, why am I forbidden to express myself? Why am I the one who always reach out? Why do I feel like it’s just me who wants to clear the misunderstanding? Is it really that easy to ignore me? I’ve been always the bigger person. I put the blame on myself, and even apologized on how I reacted. I let you misunderstood me, because I don’t want to lose you.
If I only knew back then that this will happen, would things be different now?
It took me a hundred missed calls, delivered messages, declined invitations, and rejected gifts to finally realize, it’s not worth fighting anymore. I can’t force to keep a friendship, when the other one isn’t holding on to the bond anymore. Because while I’m busy finding good in you, you were busy throwing reasons for me to stop.
Just wanna let this story die, and I’ll be alright.
Now, I’ve finally choose myself. I stop reaching out first; I no longer doing my very best for our friendship. And to my surprise, you didn’t even care. Until days, weeks, and months have passed, the friendship’s already gone. It’s a rough phase for us—Or perhaps, only for me. We took different paths now. You’ve found new people, and I finally found my peace.
But even when bond vanished into thin air; the feelings and emotions of created memories faded into oblivion, I promise to remember you on your favorite day. I will silently watch you achieve things you’ve always praying for, wearing a proud smile. Always rooting for your success, and wish the best for you.
“So for now it’s only me, and maybe that’s all I need. We can’t be friends.”
From time to time, I still look at our pictures on my phone. Those memories are constant reminder that I no longer miss you, I just miss the bond. I always recall the person I was once, but the longing I feel for those moments wasn’t enough for me to like you back again. After all, I am not a bad friend for wanting better, right? Because, I always know that I poured my all on this friendship. Maybe in another universe, we’ll finally be each others platonic soulmates.
Thank you for not making this hard for us, for giving me a lot of reasons to stop, and for not trying to save the bond. At last, thank you for not fighting. I miss us, but I don’t want you back.
