Why Thinking About Death Can Be Reassuring (and how to end the habit)

You may find that your mind often turns to thinking about dying, suicide and death in general. Over the years you might have found that when you are anxious, under pressure or stressed that turning to thoughts of death have made you feel a bit better.

That might sound strange to some people. But think about this way: people have always found ways to comfort themselves, to calm down and to reduce unbearable tension. Toddlers and kids will commonly turn to their mums to reassure them when they are scared or not sure of things.

People who develop borderline personality disorder may never have had such a secure childhood. The parents you should have been able to turn to may have had their own problems. Sometime children are deliberately abused in various ways.

When we feel overwhelmed by anxiety or fear we just want to escape, to feel better and be reassured it’s going to be OK. Thinking about death or suicide is one way of imagining an escape. If it all gets too bad I can always kill myself. Death is an escape route. If you have not been reassured when you were a child or not good at soothing yourself now, then death is a way out. So thinking about death can become an anxiety management tool. Maybe not the best one, but taking all things into account, it makes sense.

The problem is that if you rely on it too much it becomes the only tool in your repertoire. In the absence of other ways to soothe yourself thoughts of death can become a bit of an addiction. Like any other addiction it’s an unhealthy habit. Two things may happen. One, your mind may jump to this option when you are under stress. So instead of turning to others for help or problem solving, you end up planning your suicide (or perhaps self-harming). Two, your mind may frequently drift toward thinking about death. You may end up thinking about it for an hour, maybe more. Death is like the day all your stress goes away. No wonder it’s so tempting to keep coming back to it.

There are ways you can reduce your dependence on thoughts of suicide and daydreams of death. In therapy you can find ways to manage the ups and downs of emotions. You can increase the number of ways to soothe yourself and to increase pleasure in life. You can improve the way you problem solve. You can learn to be effective rather than doing what your fleeting emotions tell you to do.

But a valuable first step is to reduce the amount of time you allow yourself to think about the escape route of death. If you notice you perhaps spend an hour or two doing this try to reduce it to 15 minutes. Gradually reduce this time. This requires a deliberate effort to control the amount of time you spend with these thoughts. You can set an alarm on your phone to remind you when to stop. When you stop just get up and do another activity. Try to do something that interrupts the thoughts and focus on achieving something — even if it’s just cleaning a cupboard!

No one step will solve all your problems. Improving life is an accumulation of small steps toward a better future. But allowing thoughts of suicide or death to fill your head will not leave you enough space for things like problem solving or enjoying a new activity.

Tips:

1. Remember, thinking about death reduces your anxiety. In a strange way it can make you feel better, but only at a huge cost in the longer term.
2. This is just a habit. Like any habit you can train yourself out of it.
3. Make a plan to reduce the time or frequency you think about death.
4. Practice new skills such as problem solving or planning steps toward your vision for a better life. Allow more pleasure into to your life — today!
5. Practice every day, record your progress, and - most important - reward yourself for practice and being effective.

Death is part of life, but it can distract us from living well right now. Awareness of death can be a source of anxiety or a source of comfort. Both will get in the way of making the most of our brief window on this planet.