Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

THE HIGH CONTRACTING PARTIES, Javier La Rosa (“Husband”) and Elena La Rosa (“Wife”) hereby agree that healthy sexual boundaries are vital for the preservation of domestic tranquility. Notwithstanding the foregoing, realities dictate that over time Husband and Wife will bear children, grow wearisome and find themselves repulsed by the grotesque oddities of each other’s rapidly deteriorating bodies. In furtherance of a shared desire to avoid civil unrest, Husband and Wife solemnly agree to be bound by the terms of this Treaty:

Article I: Schedule of Marital Relations

Subject to the “Backdoor Restriction” set forth in Article II, Husband and Wife shall adhere to the following Schedule…


“Aim a few inches short of the hole” … and other pearls of wisdom

Commercial use image license from Pxfuel

On Technique

“Loose hips. Firm grip. Gently tap it in.”

On Partners

“A twosome is preferable to a threesome, but a foursome — that is the best.”

On Preparedness

“Bring a towel. A little moisture is fine, but too much can cause your club to slip.”

On Making the First Move

“Open your face, rotate the shoulders and attack at a 60-degree angle.”

On Etiquette

“Look to see you’re a safe distance from others before deciding to whack it.”

On Safety

“Be smart. Use a head cover to keep dirt off your wood.”

On Warming Up

“There’s nothing better than a few gentle practice strokes to get the blood flowing.”

On Caution

“The approach to the second hole is fraught…


How a Baptist and a Jew found their way to ‘I Do’

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

A South Florida Jew and Colorado Southern Baptist travel cross-country to tell their religious parents their plans to get married. Sounds like the plot to a romantic comedy starring Adam Sandler, right? This is the unholy situation my now wife (Southern Baptist) and I (Jew) found ourselves in seven years ago when we decided it was time to take the plunge.

All you need to do is look around you to realize that interfaith relationships are on the upswing. Statistics reveal that thirty-nine percent (39%) of Americans who have married since 2010 have a spouse of a different religion and…


Are you the relationship pusher? The hashtag activist? What your Instagram posts reveal about your psychology

Photo by Cristian Dina on Pexels

If the gossipy Andy Cohen personifies Facebook and Trump embodies the toxicity of Twitter, Instagram is the Kardashians of the social media multiverse. It’s glamorous. It’s vain. It’s intoxicating and wildly addictive. Instagram is all sunshine and smiles on the outside, but at the core it’s all a bit rotten.

The beauty of Instagram is it allows space to take control of our own narratives. It’s one big masquerade party — and you‘re invited to dress up as any version of yourself you choose. You can be the chef without ever stepping foot in a kitchen. The superdad who only…


From vaginal eggs to orgasm-scented candles, the oft-maligned marketing genius has built an empire on the controversy

Photo taken from Flickr with permission to copy and redistribute publicly

First, she invited us to smell her vagina. Now, Gwyneth Paltrow is inviting us to get a whiff of her … orgasm?

This week, the Oscar-winning actress and founder of lifestyle brand Goop unveiled the “This Smells Like My Orgasm” candle — the much anticipated follow up to the “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle that sold out in minutes online. In America, where a staggering 42 million people have filed for unemployment in just four months, leave it to Goop to sell an orgasm-scented candle for $75.

So, what exactly does an orgasm smell like you ask? …


The wildly popular reality show, which first aired in March, 2002, has run an astonishing eighteen years without a Black man in the titular role

Photo by Doug Kelley on Unsplash

On June 12th, ABC made it Twitter official that Matt James will be the first black Bachelor on “The Bachelor” series since, well … ever. The wildly popular reality show, which first aired in March, 2002, has run an astonishing eighteen years without a Black man in the titular role — all while trafficking in harmful racial stereotypes that question the romantic suitability of non-white men.


Are you paying the high cost of comfort?

Photo taken from my personal journal (October 2019). Taken by Fredrick Gold (Author)

“Nie chce byc malym szarym czlowiekiem.”

(I do not want to be a little gray man.)

— Aleksander Doba

It was a late Thursday afternoon in September, 2019. Out of my 18th floor office window, the late afternoon sun danced across the glass facades of the downtown high rises. Another splendid South Florida sunset — a canvass of pinks, purples and oranges demanding you stop and marvel at the beauty. As I stared out at the horizon I wanted to feel small and insignificant against the wondrous scene unfolding before me.

Instead, I felt terror.

I first noticed the unfamiliar…


It’s the “Sexy Six” of Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, Oklahoma, LSU, Georgia … and everybody else

College football is on the horizon. Photo by Rojan Maharjan on Unsplash

Let’s start with the good news if you are a college football fan: almost every voice around the sport is in agreement that football will return in the fall. Despite lingering uneasiness, including the recent news that three Auburn football players tested positive for COVID-19 upon their return to campus for workouts, the decision by most universities to open campus at the end of summer paves the way for a full season of football.

If you take a moment to consider ESPN “College GameDay” analyst Kirk Herbstreit, one of the most influential figures in the sport, said in late March…


It’s time to pluck your film idea out of your head and put it on paper

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I know you have a crazy little movie idea bouncing around inside that head of yours. It’s with you in the shower, pesters you at work and keeps you awake at 3AM when you should be fast asleep. This idea has been incubating for years and now these characters inside your mind are all grown up. They need … no they are begging to be set free. They’ve got planets to conquer, lovers to rescue and murders to solve — but they can’t do it stuck inside your head.

Your problem is simple: where do I start? You know you…


Parenting

It turns out that seahorses are allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby.

1. There exists an animal called the “Velocipig” — a half-velociraptor, half-pig that flies, breathes fire and occasionally pees in children’s beds at night.

2. When a bee stings you, you die and go to heaven — unless you’ve been bad in which case you go to a place with millions of bees and they sting forever.

3. Penguins buy their tuxedos at Old Navy.

4. When bears hibernate, they dream of doing belly-flops into a pool made of honey.

5. The houses beavers make out of sticks is called “home base”. It is not called a “dam” because dam is a bad word and any kids who says it will lose desert.

6. White cows produce regular milk. Brown cows produce chocolate milk. White cows with black spots produce chocolate chip ice cream.

7. Birds have no bones. Neither do walrus, hippos or sea lions. On the other hand, snakes have one giant bone.

8. Sloths are the smartest animal because they sleep all day. Bats are the stupidest because they are up all night.

9. Cheetahs and our toy poodle Eleanor are the two fastest animals on Earth.

10. Frogs can leap as high as the moon. If you listen closely, you can hear them “ribbit’ing” from space at night.

11. A long, long time ago a clown was cursed by a witch and turned into a fish. That is how we got the Clownfish.

12. If you see a black cat it’s bad luck. If you see two black cats it’s good luck. If you see three black cats — that’s called a “cat gang” and you better run as fast as you can.

If you like this parenting story, please check out some of my other stories below!

Fredrick Gold

Ex-attorney turned personal assistant to 4-year old son. Find my work at @pointsincase @slackjaw @littleoldlady__ Twitter: @StujackGold

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