Vulnerability in the workplace and the do’s & don’ts of creating space to be “not okay” right now.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what vulnerability looks like in the workplace, especially now in a pandemic, and how we show up for ourselves and those around us. How we create spaces for people to be honest about how difficult things are, without putting them on the spot in uncomfortable ways.
It’s been particularly top of mind for me because I’ve been compartmentalizing my emotions for the past few weeks until the walls came crashing down on a call with close college friends last weekend. It took a lot of urging and tough love from my friends to convince me to take the step of emailing my manager and skip level to let them know what I was going through and what I might need.
I agonized over the wording of my email: how would I let them know what was going on in a succinct way, without putting too much emotional burden on them, while setting expectations that I didn’t really know what I needed yet?
I finally landed on the following:
Subject: [Not urgent!] Quick note + ask
Hi both,
Sending an FYI + ask -
On the FYI: heads-up that there may be moments in coming weeks where I need to be a little less available to help my parents out — or I might just be a little more on edge than usual. For context, my dad’s been in the hospital (non-covid)— he’s stabilized and in good hands, but it’s admittedly a little unnerving since we don’t know yet when he’ll be released.
On the ask: is it possible to reiterate, perhaps at the next town hall, that these are tough times and while we need to keep the business moving, “business as usual” might just look different depending on folks’ situations and leadership is always there to provide spaces for / support for discussions as needed?
I will admit that even I was a bit unsure of how to articulate that I just might not be in as strong a headspace as I’d like to be (because of course I’m anxious that it might be perceived as making excuses, even though I know you both know me well) and can only imagine how much more difficult that might be for more junior folks or others who don’t have you both as managers.
Both my manager and skip level were immensely supportive, highlighting their appreciation that I’d been comfortable enough to share, and took the next step to set-up a panel discussion during our town hall — rather than simply voicing the reassurance without acting on it, too.
Their response, along with my own reflections on how friends had urged me to model vulnerability and my own difficulties in coming to terms with that vulnerability, compelled me to send the following email to both my current and past teams. I hope there’s something you might find helpful in there, too.
Hi all,
Been a minute since I sent out any nuggets of wisdom, and admittedly, this note isn’t grounded in any HBR articles or other recent reads :”) that one’ll come soon tho, promise…!
Rather, this one was prompted by a call last weekend with a few close college friends when I unexpectedly burst into tears while catching them up. And I say unexpectedly because literally up ’til that moment, I’d answered every “how’re you doing?” with a: “well, my dad’s been in the hospital due to non-covid-19 complications, but he’s stable and in great hands. So that was a bit scary, but I’m doing okay now! Totally fine!” Cue the reassuring smile.
When asked if I’d shared what was going on with anyone at work, I replied that I had… sort of. I’d just left out the parts about how unnerving it is to be confronting the reality of aging parents, declining health, murky hospital release timelines, and the prospect of caretaking — amidst a pandemic, no less — while also balancing the new normal of working remotely in a role I’ve been in for 3 months.
Why? Well, there’s no shortage of fears that crop up when it comes to truly being vulnerable in the workplace — even for me, who routinely fesses up to all sorts of mishaps. Will I be perceived as soft or weak? Will it seem like I’m just making excuses or trying to get sympathy? Am I burdening someone else by telling them this? What could they even do with this information anyway? Shouldn’t I be focused on managing my team and the well-being of others around me first?
But as my friends reminded me — that vulnerability is what we need to lean into and model, particularly in times like this. Not making space for the very real human experiences of pain, anxiety, worry, and so much more that many of us are feeling does a tremendous disservice to us all — and our business, too — when we’re not operating in ways that are true to ourselves.
So how do we create those spaces for ourselves and those around us? Well, besides sending painfully long emails to your colleagues (check!) and asking your leadership to speak to this (check!), here’s a few do’s and don’ts, split out by what we can do for ourselves vs our colleagues.
For you
For your peers and colleagues
If you’ve gotten here, bravo and thanks for reading. I’ll cop to this being probably more therapeutic for me than useful for anyone else :)
Best,
S
