What to expect after walking out of the friend-zone with your head held high and your heart bursting with pain
Shock : Did you really just do this?
Panic : Fuck, he will never talk to you again.
Tears : You miss him , Why can’t he just love you right back and make everything alright again?
Regret : Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! What have you done ? You can’t live without him. You need to get back to talking terms with him again.
Self-hatred : If only you had been thinner, and prettier, none of this would have happened. You’re so fucking pathetic.
Sense of Worthlessness : No one loves you. You fucking idiot.
An overwhelming urge to drink yourself out of your senses till the point you can’t feel your face anymore.
Even more tears. Let them flow. Don’t hold it in. Let it all out.
Self esteem : Well, that doesn’t mean anything anymore.
Disgust : Ugh! why did you ever let a guy affect you so much? Why is he running your life?
Self loathing: You should just die.
Hunger…way too much hunger. Eat everything.
Nausea, dry heaving, like you can retch out the pain, LOL.
A certain amount of hurting yourself, in the hopes that physical pain would numb out the throbbing hopelessness you are feeling inside.
Inability to hold a conversation with anyone for more than 30 seconds because that’s how long it takes before you swallow the lump in your throat and it surfaces again.
Many many rounds of deleting his playlist and downloading it all over again. Then crying your eyes out thinking about the long drives when you both sang out those songs with croaky voices at 2 in the night.
His thoughts occupy your mind every waking (and sometimes, sleeping) moment. You wait for him to walk into office everyday so you could grab a cup of coffee with him, share the breakfast that you have packed with so much love, keeping in consideration every minute detail on him that you have gathered so far, how he likes a lot of green chillies in his Maggi, how he prefers green tea over regular tea,how he likes only chutney with Idli. And then this.
When the guy who used to call you 3 times a day on an average doesn’t even look at your face anymore, all the things listed above happen. And they don’t just happen once and get it over with. They happen every single time he walks by, or appears in your field of vision. And God forbid if you ever find yourself face to face with him. The world will watch as you go weak in the knees and tremble. Like an idiot you try to blink away the tears and smile at him, because, well , because unlike for you , the world has not ended for everyone else. And a show of “All is well” and “Professional relationship” must be put up. There is no skipping this step. Consider this as the universe asking you to pay up for all the happy times he has given you.
Well what else were you expecting? You’ve just told the guy you love to never talk to you again. You’ve broken the leash he had on you. Free from the chains of “friendship” that bound you to him, you wonder now if you should go back and beg his forgiveness,how all this was a mistake, saying you will take whatever he has to offer, anything that he wants, just so that he lets you be a part of his life in some way. Even if that means listening to him boast about his escapades with other girls, being his finance manager, party planner, and so many more functions for which you were never even thanked, let alone having them reciprocated. But his smile made everything worth it. The way he called and woke you up in the morning made it worth it. The way he looked into your eyes without blinking when he wanted something and you wouldn’t agree; that made it worth it. But, you couldn’t let this go on for much longer. If you didn’t stand up for yourself then who would? If left to your own devices, you would make keeping him happy the goal of your life and never ever move on. But no one should have to give up their self respect like this. You deserve better. It was high time you took action on that so you did. He was the sweetest poison you had ever tasted. You couldn’t bring yourself to stop drinking it, even though you knew what awaited you in the end.
You told him you both wanted different things so it would be better if you went your own ways. He is surprised you are taking such a drastic step but goes on to explain how he always knew about your feelings but never encouraged you on because he has never felt the same. He recounts how every time you something was in the planning stage he would make you call more of your friends so that it would be clear to you that he was never into hanging out alone. No romantic feelings whatsoever. You are tempted to slap him and ask of all the times you had to ask him to look at the road instead of you while driving. Every time he tickled you and made you laugh till you cried. Every time he engulfed you in his arms, where you would fit right in, and feel right at home. Every time he called you, making silly excuses for the call, saying things like “I’m going to have south indian for lunch”, or “I was wondering what role do data scientists play in bigger companies” or “Could you please check and tell me the movie show timings” (this while standing in the parking lot of the movie theatre itself). Your heart plays all this over and over again on the projector of your mind and goes “WTF???” You really wonder if he is telling you that he doesnt give a damn about you , you are not special, you fucking idiot. Logic says its not his fault. I mean, who would love YOU? Have you seen yourself? Huh. And its not like he tried kissing you while you were practically throwing yourself at him. He also hints at the same, “It’s not like I have ever taken an advantage of you”. He doesn’t even consider you good enough for a drunken kiss. How does that feel? Do you see what a dumb sorry excuse for a human being you were being all this time? Even as a random person of the opposite sex, kissing you has never even occurred to him. Again , who would kiss you? Have you seen yourself?
Somewhere in your heart you always knew he would never love you. But somewhere he made you feel like he was yours and you his. Now as you watch him dismiss your feelings with such finality, you curse the day he walked into your life. You curse the day you smiled back at him as he held your hand under the table, because that was the purest reaction you could have given him , no words could explain your happiness at that moment. Not like you decided your kids names in that moment, but in that one moment you thought you both had come incredibly closer.
The weight of all these memories, broken now, pierce into your skin with a ferocity you had not expected in your worst nightmare. In retrospect , you should not have let him in like this. As girls we are trained since childhood to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong. Here also you are inclined to feel that he is the gentleman in this case and you are being a cry baby who expected too much. All he ever wanted was to be friends, right? Its not his fault you developed feelings and then couldn’t handle them. Like he said, you were never special.
All you ever were to him, was an idiot who danced to his tunes as long as he spoke sweetly and smiled enough at you. He could see his flings were killing you inside still he did not make an effort to distance himself from you. He knew your triggers, and used them, and used them well. But you know better than to let yourself be used like this.
Which is why you took this step. You have tortured yourself enough in the name of his friendship that you hold so close to your heart. So close that you did not realize when this monstrosity sprouted thorny tentacles and started squeezing the life of your little heart. You made a decision to walk away. Now be strong in the face of the pain of his absence and walk away with your head held high. When the right one comes across, you won’t have to break yourself to keep him in your life. You get to decide whether you move on today or after two years on his wedding night in even more tears. Let it happen today. You have already taken the toughest step. Believe me when I say that you have grown. From the time you couldn’t bring yourself to say no looking at his face, to today, when even after him feeling “this isn’t even a solution, its so illogical.” , you have grown a great deal. So don’t go back.
Move on. Your future awaits, with a guy who will show you what unconditional happiness means. You get to write the end of your story. Begin now.