Want to overcome loneliness? It’s simple: transform it into blissful solitude

L. Subramani
Sep 6, 2018 · 5 min read

Last week, I listened to a behavioural expert describe how loneliness is the world’s next big killer disease. Marriages are breaking down, relationships are snapping faster than wires on a short circuit.

Youngsters are in a hurry to explore life elsewhere, while parents are left gazing at the nest emptied by their fledglings. Countries like India that once prided on joint and extended families now find the elderly population managing life all by themselves.

Sounds familiar? I’m sure you know someone in your family living life as a single person. This’s particularly difficult in a country like India, where the aging population and those who had their spouse’s dead or separated (or divorced) have fewer outlets. They’ve to choose between boring television programmes or the prayer sessions at the local temple. Most of them have very few social engagements.

Even little known is the fact that people with disability are left single in greater numbers because they’re either not married, or had a breakdown and are often have no close family beyond their parents.

A friend of mine, also blind, lost his aging mother a couple of months back and now lives completely alone. The fighter he is, he keeps himself busy all the time to avoid the pitfalls of staying lonely and empty.

In 2009, my eight-year marriage broke down and I was in the danger of getting into depression.
At first, the shock of being dropped by someone I loved broke me completely. The prospect of being alone only complicated the situation.

Mom was back on my side (she was living with my brother), which was a great strength as I began talking to her and rebuilding my life. This was when I decided to take my baby steps into living alone. Mom said it was a dangerous idea. It could well be that, but I was determined to make my life meaningful; to make my life count. I couldn’t let myself drift away into wasteful nothingness because of a failed marriage. Thankfully, mom had something to do back home and I had the chance to be on my own for the first time in 35 years of my life. And I was determined to enjoy it despite the challenges.

The pain, of course, lurked behind and struck me at the most unexpected moments. Some days, I returned home only to find the emptiness unbearable. But I was determined to fight the feeling.

First thing was to keep myself busy. I had my laptop with screen reader software that allowed me to play audiobooks.

Audiobooks are read by human voices and it gave me the feeling that I had a companion. By a stroke of luck or (on some occasions by choice), I picked up funny sounding books like Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich and thrillers like the Mitch Rapp series by Vince Flynn.

The result: I started feeling less lonely.

The books can feel boring. Yeah, trust me, they can. So, I’d switch gears with some spiritual activities like meditation, listening to religious discourses and music (devotional and otherwise). I hooked up with friends and began visiting other cities where I met different people and, surprisingly, came across social causes I could work on.

I met an Indian-origin doctor from the United States who owned a patent on a prosthetic retinal implant device. My eyes had long atrophied and I had very little chance of reviving them, but I knew the bionic eye would restore hope in thousands of patients with retinal degenerative conditions in India.

The effort didn’t succeed, primarily due to high cost and lack of ecosystem, but it gave me a platform to connect with fellow patients with retinal diseases and lend my ears, my shoulders and emotional comfort. I continue to offer that service even now. I also reassure them that they could succeed in almost all jobs/careers with assistive technology.

The work also gave rise to the idea of writing my book. People get a simulated and immersive experience of what it is to be going blind when they read my book “Lights Out: The True Story Of A Man’s Descent Into Blindness” published by Random House India.

Now, I’ve a busy work and an even busier life. I enjoy time with friends, family and feel satisfied for having found my purpose.

The only change I did is to make my life useful and purpose-driven. As I said, it’s not as if things have been smooth. Sometimes the idea that life has stacked the cards against me rather unfairly surfaces from nowhere, but I do my best to discard that idea having learnt the futility of dwelling over it.

So, if you’re lonely or have friends/relatives who you think are struggling to cope, here’re some suggestions:

1. Loneliness is just a way of thinking. Of course, there’re several challenges of living alone right from paying your bills to finding your ride to meet with a friend or a local cafe. The best news is, you’ve smartphone apps to do that.

2. Dispel the empty feeling by playing music or an audiobook while you make coffee or breakfast, which, by the way, would be fun.

3. Security alarms would mostly ease your fears of being broken into. But then, if you live in apartments with good neighbours, that shouldn’t be a big concern.

4. Ok, I’m sure anyone with a bit of commonsense would figure out most of the things I mentioned above. Keeping yourself engaged is the trick to turn loneliness into blissful solitude. But you’ll really feel confident about your life if you engage in social work. Volunteering to teach at the local school or reading books at the hospice/elderly care home would be a wonderful way of spending time, while also realising, first hand, there’re people far worse off than we are. Also, you could find more friends who’d fill the empty space.

5. It doesn’t matter how old you are. If you’re healthy enough, you can manage most things. AS that Frank Sinatra song says “Fairy Tales can come true…if you’re young at heart.”

6. Even disability shouldn’t dissuade you from enjoying your solitude. There’ll always, repeat, always be the fear of the future; the fear of the unknown and unexpected situations, but solitude is also enjoying the moment, being a bit daring and adventurous . In my days of solitude, I tried making garlic bread. It didn’t taste that good, but I still liked the experiment.

So, here’s raising a toast for your solitude (with a glass of buttermilk).

L. Subramani

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L. Subramani is a journalist and author of the memoir “Lights Out: The True Story Of A Man’s Descent Into Blindness” published by Random House India in 2014