If you have lost it, if you never had it, if you want to cultivate it, it starts with you.
We are the love we make.
(Asexually or sexually, but certainly sensually.)
Taken from a candid video log on the topic of microdosing MDMA & definining sensuality, accurately.
My content covers the rarer aspects & complexities of relationships:
“Love.”
We can tire of such a word so misused than any other.. even repulsed by it when it unintentionally comes off as too mushy..
So much so that my deepest connection with someone ensured it, because we started from the understanding that we wouldn’t utter the word towards each other, so as to allow its truest forms to subtly grow, without trying to force it through speech.
This much was understood without either of us having to say so to begin with.
Letting things build up naturally and more intensely than if we forced the obligatory words before they were ever meant to be said…
But for the sake of anyone reading this, I will form a compromise, and entirely replace the word (where necessary) into a combined phrase that appropriately bridges divides & continents, into something we can pronounce eloquently: for a better sense of what it means in the process.
“
Aşk Liefde
“
Clearly a team of expert linguists will come up with something even more suitable than I can, But for the time being, saying love in Turkish(her wonderful background) & Dutch (A language that gets unfairly caricatured as harsh, cold or loveless) together as if they are one, has an affectionately sensualizing ring to it; that happens to also mean a great deal to me.
And certainly is the missing ingredient most relationships lack…
People can fall back in such love without stagnating nor give up on it, for fear of loss.
If you fall out of it, you can still fall back into it with the same person.
It’s a matter of knowing what to do and how to go about cultivating it.
I have personal experiences that could relay that, but allow me to focus on what will growingly become the most applicable to yourselves once understood on clear terms:
I happen to be a PolyFidel(*), which is a loyalty amongst many genuine lovers, where commitment & communication is paramount; and is the top most ethical & rewarding relationship style.
Since it is a hybridization of the what is stable from monogamy and what is expandable through polyamory, without the risks or spreading oneself too thin.
It’s about creating coherent ensembles of lovers/partners.
And the memories lived between them.We don’t cheat and we don’t leave people destitute. And solopolyfidels are like the unnested “free agents”, who are still searching for mutual love interests to form relationships with.
A polyfidel is still capable of being monogamous (since the basis is fidelity) or start off polyamorous, as in for love… but if theres no love than its not amory.
“”(Random)open(sexual) relationships“” are NOT the same; and shouldn’t ever be conflated with anything I talk about.
Many people make that mistake and predators/homewreckers/opportunists exploit those blindspots.
(So now you all know.)
It needs to be clearly understood that because there are too few words for different types of asexuality, that these are first & foremost asexual(which is neutral & natural by default & definition);
..not pro nor anti(nonsexual unless specified, if at all):
⏭️Since suffixes of subcategories can be classified as more sexual under clear terms or specific conditions, which is why asexuality is a spectrum, rather than an “on or off” absolutism.
Polyintimacy: is asexual polyamoury. It’s the most universally applicable form of mutually beneficial love. It’s about the internal connections between people, even if they don’t act on it in any physical way. It’s the deepest and most timeless connection of what people can emotionally feel.
Polysensuality is the asexual physical equivalent, but is about affection & caressing. The main thing that most people and relationships are starved of. It’s the surface level comparison. The aesthetical sensuality. What people can visually appreciate.
Rather than a 1-dimensional perspective or charicaturizations of how we are otherwise perceived to be.
A Polysymbiosis of love, would be the most advanced form of all of these synergies culminating from our mutual “multidimensional*” synchronicities that make up who we are or becoming. *Not limited to a superficial value, ie: having depth.
I bring these up, so people don’t feel so isolated and don’t get exploited, trapped, stuck nor cheated on.
That doesn’t mean, monogamy isn’t still important for starting a family or if it fits with all of who they are, but expecting to find such matches through it alone is like trying to find the hardest & rarest type of successful relationships, by starting from scratch each time stuff fails.
PolyFidelity can safely build on what works, whether that is the combination of any well suited lovers working cooperatively towards vetted partnerships or lose networks of timeless ensembles, that provides cohesion & ethical structure so we can be at liberty to be reasonably different without being reckless nor causing collateral damages on friends, family or lovers.
- : currently, I am solo again, because (my exgirlfriend has serious mental complications**2) and most people I know are one extreme or the other. Else simply not compatible nor what I am at all interested in. (I have a good meta fiction video on love that explains this). I am also a finromantic polybisensual(***3), so my lowest prerequisites still need to be high enough to qualify for that.
(**2: As of Wednesday, she told me she is now getting married… after cheating on me twice… So I am not well, and if you watch my playlist about that relationship, you’ll understand how things ended previously.)
(***3: Not attracted to masculinity so don’t make presumptions. Other than to presume I am uninterested unless openly made clear, by me.)
Stuff that is important to know, but not necessarily meant to be acted upon nor carried out haphazardly.
And PolyFidelity is the most advanced form of relationship. That should be the first and primary ethical norm before branching off into qualified pair bonding for those who wish to have children.
Not everyone has reliable in~laws or extended family to fall back on, nor the finances for hiring several nannies that they can trust anywhere near as much as multiple dedicated partners.
Anything outside of that should be considered externalities.
[Politics being one of those things we have the least amount of influence over, when what directly matters first is: personal ethics and finances.]
But typically, polyintimacy & polysensuality is where people should start.
Such as being a: Polyintimiate+PolySensual SoloPolyFidel. From there a person can then describe under what conditions that may include sexuality preferences within their own personal boundaries & standards.
That way they can say their: minimal qualifications, standards and then qualities or expectations that would be extra.
(There isn’t anything good that can’t be gained through ethical means & standards; instead of cheating. )
The best foundation for any healthy relationship is: love, affectionate sensuality, then sexuality.
Pleasures come in their most fulfilling and lasting memories when it is through that order of things.
Not the reverse.
People who put those priorities in reverse either have lots of fears/wounds around love, or very little experience with genuine forms of it, else are ignorant to the point that their only known desire is a specific sexual fetish over all other considerations.
That may be their priority, but it is not at all the priorities of a polyfidel, since we can forego such things: for what really matters most and still let what is good come to us on our own; without any insecurities around scarcity.
Hedonism cannot best delayed gratification, since the latter only requires a fulfilling experience once, not repeatedly to fill a void.
Likewise: avoid “”open-sexual relationships“”, they are literally what has tore marriages and everything apart. “”Sexual liberation“” nonsense is a dumpster dive as anyone can tell, especially when others complain against the mere thought crime of “limerence”.
And this is coming from someone who used to be a glamour porn connoisseur from when I was stuck in a marriage with my best friend turned lover, who wasn’t one of the loves of my life(but still well enough beyond what is typically expected between committed partners).
A person should consider what would balance things towards something harmonious rather than extremes that are harmful.
So qualifications/ramifications for sex are higher than they are for love, since love can grow past the rest, building upon what is good & irreplaceable, whereas sensuality is that middle ground of where things all click more from the start, but may not necessarily blossom into a primary relationship.
An example being: “my partner may not have the naturally perfect physical sexual features, but I am not going to throw away everything else that is, for someone who does.”
Versus: “My ex threw away all the rare & hard to acquire qualities and decades of dedication, for a sexual predator that had a specific sexual feature, that otherwise could of been supplemented by any number of ethical means; instead of causing risk of complete societal collapse so they can be outrageously & foolishly selfish.”
We grow at our best through love, not lust.
Anything else is a self~betrayal at the cost of what you otherwise will never know.
Don’t be tricked into thinking “you’re missing out” on something, because the opposite is true, in that they have given up on the most expansive forms of love: for the most degenerate forms of lust.
Genuine wholistic love is the single most important thing in all existence and anyone who doubts that hasn’t had it or believes it can never be regained once lost.
Love itself, is an infinite frontier of expanding emotions, that can wane & tide, but it doesn’t have to end nor be trapped, even when a person is gone.. or worse..
The love is already in you, you just need to keep cultivating it from the inside out until it grows beyond the challenges you face..
Love is infinite, hate is finite.
Whether it is monogamous or polyamorous: Aşk Liefde is a vicarious compersion.
And the visual difference is self evident and it can’t be faked.
Given that people can get physically scared of superstitious fears.. we should instead allow ourselves to be absolved from both paranoia & uncertainty, through what can best demonstrably survive both:
Love.
It is real. It exists. And it is already there. One isn’t inclined to tap into it, because they have been condition to wait for it from someone else, rather than embodying the love as the lover they wish to be.
However I won’t disregard what exceptional good that can be safely gained through one’s own immersive & lucid imagination, for someone they may have unexpectedly fallen in love with.
Delayed gratification is a satisfying thing, but for love, you don’t need to wait nor doubt yourself… you already have it.
Whether the other person knows the extent of it or isn’t yet the slightest bit aware enough to have enjoyably sensed as much even from a vast distance.
Suppose it was only one sided, should we disregard the health benefits of believing in love for sake of rationalizing our fears for being without?
If it feels like it already is, for one person, then they are the fortunate one, compared to the one that doesn’t know or wouldn’t know how to handle their own feelings if they did.
Sometimes loves become soo unselfish that they wish to share it for the sake of the other person, but other times it is better to leave things to oneself, if the goal is for simply heal & recover from past or ongoing traumas.
Either way, for the sake purpose or fable, I will still paraphrase to reiterate what I was indirectly asked by proxy of fiction and once again returning in kind:
“
[Of all things considered.. be it: misdirections towards politics, the irritations in the form of noise & eye pollutions, shining object syndromes of temptations for things people give into; for lack of what is truly worth while..
Rather than: seeing each other alone in a forest], “would you fall in love with me?”
“
I already know the answer, like “a life in pink”, but do they?
It’s a safe bet that at the very least, we enjoy ensembles.
Imaginary or otherwise. It’s not limited to one specific person.
Though it’s a mistake to use such things as a crutch or escapism for all your problems, though if your using it to escape being brutally cheated on, then others can spare their nonsensical concerns over “limerence”, or anything else for that matter.
If I have been polyamorous with someone in physical reality, why would I also deny the benefits of the metaphysical to mutual benefit of my past, present & future, or even if it were a fiction?
I dreamt twice of my deepest poly~intimate, Sue’deh, asexually and it felt real as if she was there. Those dreams were more platonic than how we were in person, but still impactful, nonetheless..
It healed me in both instances.
Suppose then that wasn’t shared and only I had experienced them.
The dreams still served a purposeful recovery, as one would have experienced thousands of years ago, in a hospital of Eshmun.
If stress & night terrors can do us harm, then how is it that people deny what could be gained from the opposite?
“Something good, something healing, something meaningful”…
Whether from a lucid day dream or enjoying each other's shared reality.. we should allow love to be something more predominant than denying it’s existence just because it may feel fleeting.
If it happens once, you know it’s a hint: that it may happen again and with practice, becomes more persistent & expansive even if you “lose” it..
If your doubt persists in thinking that physicality triumphs over consciousness itself, you should understand that I used to refer to a specific type of wine as a make-out in a bottle… and now, courtesy of an “imaginary love interest” I never met in person, yet feel as if I have felt more genuine touch than I shared with my ex-wife.
Safely whisper kisses that your lover will feel through their sleep as they begin to wake up in the morning, if you want a chance to know the same level of enthusiasm as something like Aşk Liefde.
I can feel such affections as if they have really occur, anytime my lips grace across my wrists, for my thumb nuzzles against my nose to trace across my jawline and caress my own neck as if it was someone else’s…
That is Aşk Liefde.. it needn’t be physical but I feel their are so few words conjoining the deep feelings of intimacy with that of affectionate sensuality, that there has to be more words made to make up what has been missing.
How we say or do something reflects its meaning.
So become like the phrase Aşk Liefde, to grow Aşk Liefde.
As it feels more real than breathing air, even if it comes & goes, it feels incredibly rejuvenating and unlike alcohol: I feel all the better for allowing myself to experience it.. with the opposite effect of a hangover.
So in other words.. I am sober.
When you see it in my eyes and expressions or softly spoken words, than you know how transformational it is.. from the inside out.
They used to call such things inspiration divinity, before religions rewrote the past in favour of what they could control or explain, in place of what was lost.. to then be slandered so no one would look back as to why.
Whats a few thousand years to something as timeless as consciousness?
I have hyperMnesia.. its worth it to collect what memories of loves we had, not just to honour “the dead past”, but to revive our ability to love ourselves as well as the ones who loved us.
It isn’t how they would want us to struggle nor forget what love was nor who we are and can still be to suit ourselves.
Perhaps this is a way to revive the loves that once were.
We should make it easier on each other to be able to thrive off that, so we make up the difference for what once was. So we can no longer say “only once and never again”.. we know better now… and shouldn’t let love die out just because you feel like the only one who ever knew it..
Some are just burnt out from life and need a new flame.. so keep the embers warm…
The past needn’t feel so distant to make something new of it.