Worry, Anxiety, and Doubt
Nothing you want in life that has any value is going to come easy. I gave up something that at one point I thought was going to write the rest of my life. Now, I’m looking at what giving up on that looks like.
Giving up? Nothings more defeating than feeling like you’ve lost something you’ve worked so hard for, but I did.
Why though? The last few years has giving me some clarity on what I feel I could accomplish. The downside is I didn’t feel I couldn’t accomplish it at my current place. I didn’t want to rush into making a bad decision, so I thought about it for about a month, weighed out pros and cons, looking at what I could change to keep the same situation…. it all led me to leaving.
It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I feel I’ve come to another fork in the road. Another place, I’ve made a turn. The initial shock of leaving was incredibly emotional. Not because I thought I was giving up so much, but rather all the time it took building it and was all for nothing.
I made this decision to leave and start my own business at the worst possible time for my family, financially. I want it so bad I can feel it. I can visualize what I need to do to to get there, but the stress weighing on me from other bills has created this anxiety and sadness on how do I get where I want to go when I feel its so close, but yet so far away.
I gave up some security for a chance. I feel selfish, even though my intent was for this to better my family, but all I feel like now is a burden. My family is my world and I just want to give them everything I can in life. I work 7 days a week all into the hours at night trying to do work on this business on top of a full time job and still having another part time job.
Sometimes I just hit my overload on when I can’t take on anymore information. It sends me into anxiety mode and it’s ALWAYS as I lay down for bed. Writing out my thoughts in this format is the only way I’ve found to date that helps. Writing+prayer= helpful. It keeps me sane in a time where I worry about myself. How can I let so much fear get the best of me?
I fight it off as best I can, but it always comes back.