Past & Present wrapped up all in one
‘I repair myself when you’re not there.’
Most things have lost the edge of the past. There are no longer knives pressing against my spine pushing me painfully outwards whilst simultaneously making me hide in shame inside. So inwards that my vision for years was the inside of my own skull. That filmy sheen of transparency covered everything.
My voice strangulated and muffled when it did come out. I never came out in my teen years all I did was hide & skulk.
Now I am much the same, the same but different.
She is only hiding in this pretend domesticity.
Its true that from the beginning all I could see was the end. The end revolving and distorting around my continuing relationship (but the end still). This pre-emptive habit of mine will destroy all my happiness in the end.
As Winona Ryder reportedly said ‘I think too much. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it.
Is it bad that I’m jealous the others past, considering the sterile, packaged predictability of my own teenage years. I went inwards, while you went out & all I ever want was to leave but i had no GUTS.
The end involved the above and my own self involved jealously.
I’m not ready for this yet but this is what I really need. It can be quite hard to be sensible, although sensible is all I’ve ever been my whole life.
Be happy with the stuff you know you need (& makes you happy) when all you want is the blackness again.
But this time outwards. Outwards destruction, I don’t want to take it out on me, I deserve this at least.