Somewhere along the way, I turned evil.
I could see my downfall before my eyes. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh… Me spiralling into the depths of misery. Wallowing in lines that people said negatively about me. Forgetting all the love these very people have for me.
Me me me me me.
I remember, long long ago, when I was a child, I would be fascinated by “unconditional love” — the possibility of how it would feel, for the giver and the receiver. I could see the clear blue sky and cottony clouds peacefully moving along, pushing and nudging one another from time to time, some changing form and splitting up, while some collecting random little ones and making one huge, kind cloud that accepts more lost ones into itself.
Even until recently, I remember feeling — that I want to be the embodiment of unconditional love — I want to BE unconditional love. I remember “seeing” how it feels — Doing everything I CAN to enable people around me to do and be their very best. Helping them with chores, or with some kind words, or a smile or a warm hug to make them feel better, or going out of my way to make things better for them — only if I’m confident of completing that work properly. All while — finishing up my work, and not waiting for anyone to acknowledge all the “work” I did that day.
I did this for a couple of days. Being very honest, this “work” energized me. I then realised, doing something for others, without expecting anything in return, energized me. Moving around and working, without sitting idle, energized me. Sitting before the laptop, and figuring out/creating a design energized me. Basically, more work energized me. And sitting idle depleted my energies much faster.
Then started the downward spiral into nothingness. I had received a huge chunk of money and while I usually just spend it off, I started hoarding it. Not sharing it with people, getting more arrogant by the day, collecting the stench of money not shared and losing people’s love and endless affection for me in the process. This was something I never expected earlier — the love, the affection and all the attention. Now I found myself craving for it. The attention. The affection. By others and by myself.
I now see both my selves from a distance.
Earlier, I was naive, but enthusiastic. Earlier I was happy,and content with who I was and what I had. Now that happiness and contentment is gone. The childlike fascination and wonder of everything new and curious is gone. Meeting new people and staying in touch with them, just for the sheer joy of it, is gone.
All that remains now, is “Me me me me me” and the emptiness within. I need to be loving, I need to work. That’s what lights me up. I need to write. I need to read, even short little things. They light me up! I need to do more things that light me up!
Making little trinkets out of clay, cleaning up my room, tidying up my surroundings, doing things for people without expecting anything in return, sharing my resources (money/time) freely with people around, not expecting them to reciprocate any of those things, lights me up.
All I need to do now is choose. Whether the red wolf wins or the blue one does. Currently the red wolf is winning, but I’m sure I can turn this around.
May the blue wolf win.