What Does Being “Nice” Really Mean?
The word “nice” is tossed around a lot. “Oh, so-and-so is so nice!” Though some level of niceness is often required to make one likable or pleasant to be around, I don’t think what people mean when they call someone “nice” is necessarily something we should be striving for. Let me explain.
The word “nice” originates from the Latin term “nescius,” which means “unaware” or “ignorant.” Throughout history, the definition of the word “nice” has gone from being used to describe a foolish person to being used to describe a person that is finely dressed to eventually, being used as a term to describe someone that is soft, delicate, and polite.
The way I understand it, in today’s society, when we call someone “nice,” we often mean that they are agreeable and satisfactory, or that they make us feel good about ourselves. “Nice” people say what we want to hear. They avoid conflict out of fear of upsetting others, and constantly feel like they’re responsible for other people’s feelings. The widespread definition of being “nice” relies on being neutral with one’s opinions and viewpoints for the sake of making others feel comfortable.
But the issue is that it isn’t nice to yourself to adhere to this version of so-called niceness. “Nice” people often struggle to stand up for themselves, because they don’t want to lose the approval and validation from others. They tend to do too much and be too nice to people who don’t deserve it, and as a result, the people at the receiving end of the niceness never feel like they are getting enough care and attention from the “nice” person. It leads to a never-ending cycle where the needs and feelings of the “nice” person are constantly repressed and cause resentment, but the feelings of resentment are never expressed by the individual, because they are too invested in pleasing others. The “nice” person’s needs are never met, and the constant people-pleasing and care-taking just creates more unhappiness for themselves.
It actually reminds me of a popular book called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. Again, I think this book title reinforces how the word “nice” often just means being agreeable. A study done on personality differences between men and women demonstrated that women tend to be more agreeable than men, and this leads to women being less likely to speak up for themselves and ask for the pay raises and promotions they deserve. Another study that focused on how these personality differences affected hourly wage rates showed that men’s lower agreeableness and women’s higher level of conscientiousness are some of the traits that contribute to the gender wage gap.
So instead of trying to be nice, I think the focus should be on being kind. The difference is that being kind focuses not on neutrality, but honesty. It may be nice to laugh off someone’s poor behavior to avoid sacrificing their comfort, but that isn’t kind. Being kind to someone means truly having their best interests in mind and being genuinely caring. It means being willing to call them out or put them in an uncomfortable situation, rather than going along with their problematic behavior just for the sake of not offending them.
Kind people are self-sufficient and happy to begin with, so they realize that their self-worth is not dependent on what others think of them. Kind people know how to set boundaries; looking out for themselves and their own interests doesn’t make them any less kind. Their acts of generosity are not a need for their happiness, but rather a choice that boosts their happiness.
Niceness has become confused with agreeableness. But to all the “nice” people out there, the truth is that voicing your feelings and opinions doesn’t make you any less nice. Being assertive doesn’t make you any less nice. Being able to say “no” doesn’t make you any less nice. And if you are told that it does, then simply stop trying to be nice. Focus on being kind instead.
