Dear Dork boy,
I have a theory. Fuck boys are created just like fairies are killed.
In Peter Pan (which might actually the origin story of the modern day asshole we all love but just can’t mature) every time someone says “fairies aren’t real”, a fairy drops dead. I think that every time we use the word fuck boy a previously innocent male slides out of his mother with a wink and a crooked smile. We are creating them.
Ok, maybe thats not exactly what happens because its a completely outlandish thing to say.
But I do think that in modern dating we are so eager to qualify behaviors and in doing so we actually condone them. If we stop naming the negative maybe we can actually focus on the positive and stop allowing bad behavior. The fuck boy, ghosting, zombie-ing all things that would cease to exist or be acceptable if we didn’t have a word to name it. For example, if a guy stopped reaching out pre-ghost-word-existing you probably would have just called the douche on his shit. But now you recognize his behavior as “ghosting” something you have no control over and just have to accept. Its a weird phenomenon where we entrap ourselves, bound by rules that these words create. I want to embrace the what if — what if instead of giving them an out we demanded that they show up and not be considered weird or strange for it. Passive acceptance of poor behavior needs to stop.
Now I’ll get off my soap box.
We might also be losing sight of who a person is because of the label we give them. I am currently getting over a crush — a bad one. My friends labeled this guy a fuck boy, someone I should stay away from because he would hurt me. With that in my head, I challenged everything he said and every action he took… in my head. I was too nervous and unsure of myself around a person I was told could just make panties drop. Yes, my friends might still be right, but because I labeled him I was too scared to let my guard down. Now I just wonder if I missed out on something and am even more self critical about everything that happened (or didn’t — yes friends he’s the worst but I’m trying something out here). Here I’ll say what I could never say, I really like you and genuinely think you are a good person underneath the facade of a jerk and I’m embarrassingly attracted to you which is terrifying. I’ll get over it, whatever.
Every girl, lady, woman has these stories and they aren’t invalid but they start from a negative place to begin with. Can we forget the hashtag-able name game and the Saturday shirt you got on etsy. (just google fuck boy t-shirt if you need a visual, but do not buy one) By the way, that really only shows that you do care about he who must not be named (trying really hard not to say fuck boy, dammit).
Its doubtful this trend will ever stop, its just where we are. So, if you can’t beat ’em I guess I’ll join ‘em… in my own way. I’m going to create a word, one that points out the things the majority of smart, single, and strong chicks want in a guy. And maybe by creating this word they’ll come out of the complicated and depressing social wood work that is life. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on this new concept because even as I think about writing this, I’m laughing (Yeah right this guy exists). But its because we’ve been bred to point out the bad qualities in people to make the fact that it didn’t work his/her fault. The reality is that sometimes it doesn’t work but I want to make someone happy, help them be confident and grow, not make them lesser because we’re trying to protect ourselves. I sincerely think we want to find the good in people, in partners.
So come on out. Show us the good and we’ll recognize it — lets defeat the fuck boy (DAMNIT) together.
Maybe in the process we’ll find that most of us want the same things, we’re just too scared to admit it.
So here it is, my open letter to the men of our dreams, one I’ll affectionately call dork boy.
Dear Dork boy,
From first hook up to wherever things might go. You’ve always respected the fact that we’re individuals that are trying something. Something thats hard, something that might not work, but something that involves two people not just one.
Thank you for being yourself and embracing your natural derpiness, bad jokes, good jokes, and for embarrassing yourself.
Thank you for never being fake or if you are — we are likely doing it together because we know that sometimes we have to concede a bit ourselves to make the people in our lives feel happy.
You never ask for anything other than for us to be ourselves around each other, when we suck, when we’re confident, or when we’re less. You know that relationships are fluid and complicated but you’re in it to bring out the best in me and the best in yourself.
Thank you for standing up for me, for arguing with me when I’m wrong (its insanely attractive and lets be real I can be a total nagging bitch. I mean a strong, confident woman — I’m a woman right.. lets be real until we’re married and have kids I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy.. wait forget the rom-com this is real life).
Thank you for caring, for being quiet and there for me… for letting me be there for you.
For wanting to always be a boy and have fun (ok JM Barrie, I’ll give you that, no one ever wants to be with someone who pretends to be mature because thats boring and most of us are not… but dude, ya gotta give Wendy something)!
…and for being a good kisser (hey JM talks about the hidden kiss, the yucky love stuff is super important too even I might not be able to actually talk about that — thats for another article with guest stars).
For being political… and more importantly for going for the politically incorrect joke just to make me laugh.
To that end thank you for helping me be better by allowing me to the worst.
For understanding that IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, or about us (but uh its the only way we know how to ruck — wait thats an Usher song, also not real life).
For being honest, for being scared, letting us both be independent but safe. Is that basically being vulnerable? Hey we’re new to this too.
Ok that was a lot but I think the end all be all and the most important thing is, thank you for seeing us, because girl/boy straight/ gay being seen and acknowledged means more than flowers or dumb ass gestures.
Be this for me and I’ll 100% be this and whatever else you need.