Dealing with an ENFP: in 17 Easy Pieces

SN
SN
Sep 6, 2018 · 18 min read

I’ve been communicating with INTJs a lot (just because they are the most fun to interact with and they don’t drain my energy unlike many others? :) ). In these interactions, I find that my preferences are often very similar to theirs, with some notable exceptions. I’ve gone as far as questioning whether I am some sort of a closet INTJ, which I quickly established to not be the case. (But I have some serious inconsistency and procrastination, which are simply never INTJ. :D ) Nevertheless, the similarity was intriguing.

In this post, I specifically want to talk about how this ENFP finds certain interactions more fun and useful than the others. In fact, conversations don’t even have to be both fun and useful; I could put the yardstick quite simply as “does not drain my energy by the end of it”.

I am putting them down here, with an emphasis on partnerships — of various kinds. If you are an INTJ, see for yourself if this sounds in some places like you! :D

Note: it is written from the point of view of an ENFP woman. I am specifically an ENFP/T; meaning, I am not the partying variety. So YMMV. :) Also, when I say ‘partner’ here, it may be a romantic partner, work partner, a good friend or all three. Depends on the context — use your judgement. :)

In no particular order:

#1 Speak in no uncertain terms

What doesn’t work: The cycle of “guess what’s on my mind” is a frustrating one. Even worse than that is, “You should have known that this is the right thing to do/say. I shouldn’t have to spell everything out.”

What works: At least the first few times of a particular type of interaction with a person, each one owes it to the other party to come clean on what they like/don’t like. While, for the sake of social graces, one may choose non-verbal communication in the place of explicit statements, this approach is detrimental in the long run. Where the stakes are high and the relationship truly matters, I’d suggest eschewing social graces and choose direct, honest communication with empathy.

“This works for me.” or “This doesn’t work for me.” or “This statement/action hurt me.” are clear statements of impact that their actions had on you. I’d much rather be told such things without pussyfooting than be asked to ‘guess’ the same.

#2 Empathy, not sympathy

I am an Fi auxillary user. I don’t care to be told, “You poor thing.” I’d rather be told, “I can understand what you are going through. We can think this through whenever you are ready for it.”

By far the best form of support I’ve heard are the words that my closest friends use with me. Almost verbatim, it reads as: “I can see that you are upset. Would you like to talk? Happy to listen without offering comments. Happy to help you think through. Whatever you wish.” While I may be more insistent with you generally, in order to bring you out of your shell, whenever I perceive that the matter is serious, you will get the courtesy back from me: Support, that respects your competence and isn’t overbearing, but always available on call.

#3 Honesty, not commiseration

What doesn’t work: Even though I may be complaining about someone,taking my side and actively dissing them or calling them names is not something I’d like you to do.

What does work:

When I speak, my friends listen attentively. For the most part, they don’t comment and if they do, it is gentle or at least, factual. But when I am done, when they get around to reacting to my statements, what I get is an understanding of my situation, followed by a dose of honesty. They don’t sugar coat it; they just say it with kindness. It is an art. Not one that I claim to possess myself. But I value it immensely.

They don’t feel the need to agree with me; they don’t take my side necessarily; they make it clear that mine is only one perspective and they will need to hear the other parties involved before judging anything. But even in the absence of such a fair, multi-party hearing, they offer support.

They tell me how I can think this through, manage my emotions practically and deal with the issue in a solution-oriented manner.

#4 Let the journey be about improvement

I am in the world to be a better person than I started out being. I operate in it to make things better than they previously were.

With that in mind, I think there is a bit of a Pygmalion Project baggage to ENFP interactions. I think the INTJs are like that too. The ENFP wants the potential to be revealed. The INTJ wants the potential to be actualized.

What doesn’t work: “Let sleeping dogs lie” attitude seems too distant and uninvolved to me. If you don’t take the bull by the horns and fix issues in a person/relationship/situation, you are losing the opportunity to make things better. Optimizing systems and improving their outcomes makes the world a better place to be in. Anything less than active investment in that cause feels like laziness or self-preservation to me.

What does work: Recognizing issues, identifying corrective actions and taking the initiative to implement those actions is what our life journey is about. If we need to give each other feedback to enable/hasten that process, why not?

The best gift their partners can give them is initially, a sounding board to brainstorm with, then providing clarity of ideas and a clean path to the goal/solution, when it comes to the ENFP’s dreams or worries.

In this specific thing, INTJs excel and make the ENFP feel incredibly ‘validated’ and ‘supported’.

The ENFP will believe in your competence and give you the space and peace to do what you do best. They will compliment and respect you in very specific ways with regards to what you do. They will believe in you, whether you succeed or not. They will call you out on inconsistencies when they notice them.

You can, on the other hand, help the ENFP work their way towards better competence. They will be sincere recipients of your mentorship and ever grateful for it. (You’ll need patience, though, with their inner fear of failure and resultant procrastination sometimes. :) )

#5 No realm is outside the ambit of analysis and expression

What doesn’t work: This is similar to the first point about guessing the intent or the right move. Being unwilling to discuss certain topics because they are sacred or sensitive, seems to refer to a rigidity of view point that does not entertain other perspectives.

What does work: Being open to communication — across areas of interaction, age groups, genders, hierarchies. When my little boy of 9 (a precocious ENTP) came and told me rather crossly, but calmly and firmly, “Mother, I don’t like it when you advise me on things that you don’t know anything about. I may not be a great chess player. I’ll take advice on it. But things you say don’t seem credible to me since you’ve never played chess in your life.” I got the point clearly. And it was a fair argument. I’ve never proffered opinions on chess after that and we both are the better off for it.

I’m going to be controversial here (if someone is feeling prudish, don’t read this paragraph). Political beliefs, religion, family members and even sexual preferences are best handled with honest communication. “I like this. I don’t like this.” should not be seen as rejection of identities or egos or diminishing one’s effort. It should be seen as feedback to help improve the mutual outcome. Be it in religion, politics, sex or profession — the ENFP will appreciate a partner who accepts multiple perspectives and evaluates them — to either take forward together afterwards or discard altogether as worthless.

#6 Conversation balanced with quiet time

I am an ENFP. Conversations are oxygen to me, but I am far more introverted than how I come across if you met me on a playground or at work. I exude a lot of energy even at the end of a 16 hour workday. Especially if I like the work I do or the people in it. But that doesn’t mean that I am some Energizer Bunny who can go on and on and on. ENFPs need down-time.

What doesn’t work: A string line of activities one after the other, or socializing with a lot of people at once with conversations being limited mainly to casual topics and superficial matters, would be fine once in a while, but not on a regular basis.

What works: One on one time is most valuable. More than gifts, more than money, more than shared activities, the attention of the partner is the most valuable thing to this ENFP. And during that attentive time, let there be conversations — informative, deep, exploratory, curious, questioning, contesting, but without having to be ‘politically correct’.

And right alongside such conversations on a variety of topics, there needs to be the space to be left alone. And ENFPs will give plenty of time alone for their partner too. ENFPs (or at least, this ENFP) does not care to constrain the partner at all. Everyone is allowed to pursue paths that engage them independently and with people of their choosing. ENFPs are not possessive. They don’t like to be possessed by others either. Their relationships are often unconventional. Trust. They are loyal and will stay where there is enough reason to invest.

Somehow — and forgive me if this sounds contradictory — for the ENFP, sitting in the same room as the partner, both doing their own thing on their own devices/tools/spaces, counts as great bonding! :) Sensors may find this ridiculously fake, but it is ‘authentic interaction’ to the ENFP.

Once in a while — this may not be terribly rare, unfortunately — they may not want to talk to anyone. This points to a very tired ENFP, exhausted mentally from too much exposure to people and too many tasks to juggle. The ENFP may not want to engage anybody at all — not family, not children, not friends, not even workplace colleagues — and withdraw into a shell, doing their own thing. Generally, at work, they are professional enough to not let these mood swings show, but then, at home, it is exacerbated even more! Make it clear that you are available when they need you and then leave them alone to come out of the moodiness. In gratitude, they will offer you support the way you want it, when you feel low.

#7 Imitation is the best form of flattery

What doesn’t work: People who call the ENFP ‘fake’ because they morph like chameleons

What does work: Understanding that the ENFP is a ‘different person to different people’ because they want the other person to feel comfortable.

The ENFP will sub-consciously imitate the mechanism of communication put forth by whom they are talking to. Many an ENFP has been suspected of having multiple personality disorder! :D But it is just their attempt to ‘connect at the level of the other person’. In the same vein they will actively read up about and involve themselves in matters that matter to their partners. They will also read up and find out about you, with investigative fervour. Try not to feel offended that it is a breach of your privacy! :D They are trying to get to know you. If you too are interested, proffer to have conversations about yourself, so that they stop ‘looking you up’ everywhere! LoL! :D In any case, they will spend months trying to ‘piece you together’ and create a mental framework of who you really are, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what motivates you and what your dreams are. There is no stopping that ship. :) Are you game to be studied thus? :)

The flip side is that their comments on your deep areas of expertise may be superficial and juvenile (because they just started reading about it and it is not their natural area of interest). They may show up at your events just to be alongside you. This may be annoying to you. You can tell them that you don’t really care for it, if that is the case. However, if you find their interest in your world ‘cute’, you are all set to roll. :)

#8 Practical support

What doesn’t work: Putting all the burden of practical, mundane work on the ENFP and not giving them any credit for it. They will feel taken for granted.

What does work: The ENFP is not naturally organized. But in recognition of your high contribution to the world, they will be happy to do all that is required to keep systems functioning smoothly (well, mostly, anyway… ;) ). But remember, they are overcoming their natural inconsistency to make it happen. It would mean a lot to them if you noticed that and said a nice word every now and then explicitly showing gratitude for their discipline and commitment.

Likewise, when the ENFP is busy or lazy, if the partner could pick up the slack and keep those systems running, they’ll be very grateful and be eager to release the partner to do their own great work to change the world. :)

A word on illness: ENFPs are often self-reliant when it comes to illnesses. In general, they don’t like sympathy or the implication that they are incompetent (unless they are truly so, in which case they will be glad that you pointed it out to them!). The best way to ‘tend to’ an ENFP who is unwell is to say a supportive word to them, and then pick up the slack on the chores and ensure that they get their spaces in more or less the same condition as they left them before falling ill. If the ENFP’s partner is unable to do that, then the ENFP will be happy to pick up the chores even when ill, but will like to be noticed for their service. They are rather vain and self-absorbed that way. :)

#9 Have a frikin’ ambition!

What doesn’t work: Easy go lucky floating.

What works: Clarity of thought, clarity of purpose and decisive action. Hopefully, you have a high aim and are willing to work towards it with a strategy in place for it. (Reason: if you aren’t sorted yourself, how are you going to help sort the ENFP’s hot mess out? ;) )

Pro-tip: The ENFP is herself going to be one with high ideals and big dreams, and even the willingness to work hard for it, but not necessarily the concrete structure to achieve it by. Helping an ENFP think through the practical structure to achieve their dreams by, will be the greatest support you can offer her. Ever.

#10 The ENFP has only a few things to offer — are they meaningful to you?

The ENFP will help you along in your endeavours by respecting your work, giving you all the time and space you need and picking up all the other pieces around you, freeing you of mundane responsibilities. They will work hard to be consistent and be on time — two areas that trip them up all the time, but they will be conscious about it and do it because it matters to you. They will always be willing to listen to you talk about things that are important to you and have questions about it. They will think the world of you. Where appropriate, they will offer you warm, physical reassurance — be that a hug or a squeeze of the hand, a long shoulder massage or anything else that makes you feel better.

But, most certainly, don’t count on her to bring structured clarity into your world of thoughts. She has no talent in that — her own head is a mess! :D But the ENFP can definitely help with sorting out emotions, if you care to engage her in that. :) And she will be the greatest champion you can have for your cause. She will adopt it as her own and be your biggest believer. If you succeed, she’ll cheer the loudest. If you don’t, she’ll continue to believe in you more than even you do yourself.

#11 Creativity is intelligence playing

What doesn’t work: Roses, gifts, chocolates, surprises, big groups of people barging in when they are ill-prepared and in pyjamas. What is seriously boring: Rituals on set days of the year that are done mandatorily.

What works: Conversation. Again. :) (After chores are done!)

This, obviously, refers only to the romantic partner. The true prelude to physical intimacy is mental intimacy in a relaxed and private setting. They cannot relax when there is work pending that cannot wait, or if the place feels unsafe or insufficiently private. Hence, a little help with finishing up tasks and moving to a cozy location is often a great starting point to feeling relaxed.

In a safe physical place, mental engagement can turn quickly into animated verbal sparring. I can joyfully visualize a nice long conversation over dinner and drinks, leading to a sarcastic barb in the middle of a conversation by the fireplace, poking light fun at the partner, turning into a steely “That shall be responded to in kind” look, escalating into a crazy pillow fight (fought to win, no less!), finally resulting in sweet surrender which then takes its own (imaginative) course thereafter. :)

Pro-tip: A somewhat inebriated ENFP can be fun in these circumstances — anything random can happen — to you and to them!! ;)

#12 Impress with intelligence, authenticity and humaneness

What doesn’t work: Ritually purchased gifts, untruthful claims of achievement, display of wealth or power, treating others poorly, high handedness etc. do everything to kill interest

What works: What really really work are things done/said/bought in the spur of the moment because you just felt like doing so. The less fancy it is the less guilt it comes with and easier it is to accept easily. A proposal to ride around a nearby park on bicycles on a late Wednesday night may be just the thing. But an occasional expression — a truly rare and heartfelt one— of knight-in-shining-armour gentlemanly panache, will be cherished forever. Also yes — if an ENFP sees that you treat the lower rungs of society, the underlings and underdogs well, her sense of justice will well up to form a warm fuzzy feeling about you. While the occasional display of subtle intellectual arrogance to put a faking snob in place will elicit her affirming chuckles, treating an underling with disrespect won’t.

Pro-tip: Wearing your intelligence with secure humility and using your talent and intelligence to help others grow, are seriously sexy in the eyes of the ENFP. You score high points if you do so regularly.

I find, with many ENFPs, that words work their minds and hearts with great effect. Partners who don’t communicate in text or words would be less effective. Crass or disrespectful language is a huge turn off. (They believe you are better than that!) So, partners who are adept with the language, have a nuanced vocabulary and willing to use it as a regular tool, would thrive. Pun and word-play are downright fun… even sexy! :)

#13 Too fussy is too boring

What doesn’t work: Scheduled-in-the-calendar outings and elaborate social mores.

‘Going out every 25th of the month’ is just not workable for the ENFP. (In a romantic context, some personality types like things like ‘sex every Friday evening’, which are seriously off-putting to the ENFP.) Likewise, going out too often with people who are manicured creatures that are always worried about their tail coats and the cutlery clanking at fancy dinner tables, is just. too. much. work!

What works: Making a dinner plan for the coming Thursday, in order to schedule their work routines around it is perfectly fine. And indeed, quite calming. They prefer to schedule upcoming appointments in order to keep other tasks properly managed. But over-planning is over done.

The ENFP is not fussy. A dinner could be a casual cookout at home, an easy outing to a nearby stall (with a nice walk around the streets afterwards), meeting friends for a drink or coffee at a watering hole, a quiet dinner at a fancy restaurant, or a fully ‘dressed up’ date at an upscale place — everything is kosher; and indeed everything is welcome, in turns. The key is to do things for each other and enjoy those experiences while at it. Hosting a pot luck with friends, followed by a board game or an animated discussion about matters of the world (gossip is boring, except in very small quantities) or a karaoke session would be much fun indeed.

A word about being presentable and polished. The well-bred ENFP is perfectly capable of keeping up appearances to the T, where it counts. But they just don’t want to do it all the time; it’s too stifling.

Many ENFPs enjoy dancing with a rambunctious bunch of friends at a club. But I can only do it once in a while as a one-off thing with my ‘other group of crazy friends’ — the Sensors. :) The ENFP may not be bothered by it if their gentle partner doesn’t care to join in. They can do their own independent things that day!

#14 Endearments shall flow freely

What doesn’t work: A stiff upper-lip and exacting social rules on what is and isn’t permitted to be spoken. Bah! Prudes, be gone!

What works: Spontaneous expressions of affection and varying levels of fondness to be conveyed and permitted to be conveyed in the ENFP’s own special choice of words. When the ENFP likes you, they’ll find nick-names for you. It is inevitable. The ENFP, though, often gravitates towards more serious types who are not into such expressions themselves. What is key is that the ENFP’s own spontaneity and verbal affection, touch of the arm, endearments and bear hugs not be interpreted/branded as ‘inappropriate’. My ENFJ friend and I have loooong hugs when we meet — the bond that it forges is incredible. But with some other reserved types like the INTJ/INTP, I try to give more space. Where it goes too far for the receiver, the ENFP may be told as such.

Pro tip: If PDAs embarrass you, make a deal with the ENFP to let them be completely themselves in private and behave more socially appropriately in public. That is likely to work as it gives them the room to be themselves where it matters the most, and it gives you the peace that they won’t act silly in public. ;) (Yes, you may send me consultation fees for this brilliant tip! :P)

#15 Clinical about moving on

In the realm of emotions, the ENFP is more mature than they seem.

What doesn’t work: Bearing grudges and creating drama. In steeply emotional territory, the ENFP is steady, sure-footed and calm. They will respect you if you don’t act out dramatically. Even if you do, that’s OK. They’ve got it handled. But if you try to ‘get back with them’ after they have moved on ‘for good’, it may not work. Vengeful manipulation will completely break them down — they have no resources to deal with ‘evilness’ and are strategy duds.

What does work: Mercy and justice need to be in balance. As stated before, after giving plenty of opportunities to fix the problem (during which they will actively communicate their expectations and offer to support you in achieving them tactically), if there isn’t sufficient promise in the dynamic, the ENFP will let go of all attachment to you and clinically call it ‘done’. You can be friends thereafter, but anything else is definitely out of the picture. The entire process is highly neutral. Clinical, but not cold. Definite, but not draconian. Vivid, but not vicious.

But if they are invested in you, you can be sure they will leave no stone unturned to be aligned with you.

#16 Intensity smoulders.

This is a double-edged sword and one of the sharpest knives in the ENFP war kit.

What doesn’t work: Don’t expect the ENFP to be flighty and fluffy and air-headed all the time. They don’t like the superficial existence even if they indulge in it socially for a while to keep the wheels turning in the community.

What works: ENFPs are extremely passionate — whether it is in the area of their ‘cause’ or in the people they have invested emotionally. The expression of that passion is intense and could burn and be very overbearing. How those moments are handled greatly determines the strength of those bonds.

#17 Handling the passion — the good, the bad, the downright ugly

The ENFP passion is like a fire — a forge — where bonds are tested. If they shape up well, the bond comes out strong as steel! If bungled, it may result in dampened spirits. If spurned, the fiery contempt and scathing criticism of the ENFP may come burning through. That thing is frightening. Even to the ENFP herself!

What doesn’t work: When the ENFP is being intense, the most off-putting response would be dismissive humour. It may evoke sharp sarcasm in response or an unceremonious dismissal of you. This is their most serious self and it takes no prisoners.

What works:

So how do you handle it?

The ENFP’s intense negative feelings are best handled by calmness. Listen. If appropriate, offer a hug, hold their hand. 90% of times, this should dissipate their negativity. Sometimes, in spite of your fair warning, they may choose to drive off the cliff. Try to dissuade them with love. But if stubborn, tell them you are waiting for them and let them go. They’ll come limping back to you, feel very sorry for what they did and never attempt to leave you again.

Pro-tip: Your calmness and words that validate their place in your world, are key. Once they are in equilibrium, you can reason with them in a more rational way; it will be an effective conversation because by now, they’ll be willing to listen.

If the intensity is more the positive sort — say, for their work or for their partner — play along with seriousness.

In the context of their work, give them the time and space and practical support they need to obsessively go after their passion for a while. Almost no one in the world takes them seriously; they will appreciate your understanding that they are being dead serious this time. Let them do the hard work. Let them spend the hours. Let them burn themselves at both ends — it is OK. You just support with insight and critique, if interested; or just practical/logistical support if your areas are different. And if you authentically feel so, tell them you believe in them. (But please please only say it if you authentically feel that way! They can’t stand being patronized!)

If it is in the context of an emotional bond or a shared activity, play your part. Be an equal. State your preference. Explore fearlessly. Raise the bar. Beat them at their own game, if you can. Else, give your best shot. They’ll respect you for it and give you a run for your skills. Plus they will feel validated that you took them seriously.

If you are the better player, you can expect to hear admiring compliments from them, egging you on and observing precisely where you are sharp at your ‘sport’. :) If you ‘win’, they will celebrate your victory over them with all their heart and put you on an even higher pedestal than before! :)

And if they lose, if you have the heart for it, catch their fall. Don’t taunt. Be tender. Hold them close (or whatever else is appropriate:)). Accept them for their honest effort. Yours will be the most beautiful partnership ever. I guarantee. :)