A Borderline Love Story

Sumaiya Islam
Aug 8, 2017 · 7 min read

Last week, I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and put on medication. For months, I’ve known that I have the disorder — for about a year, it continued to develop as my moods became more intense and unstable. My fear of abandonment worsened to the point where I’d have a breakdown if my boyfriend at the time didn’t text me back within a certain time frame. I constantly felt empty for no reason, but when I did feel, my emotions came in extremes. I grew attached to people in a very short span of time, and I became increasingly dependent on other people for my happiness.

My psychiatrist noted that much of my anxiety was rooted in the instability of my interpersonal relationships, mainly romantic ones. My relationships were falling apart because of BPD and it was ruining my life, because my happiness was centered around my relationships. Should it affect me this much that a man didn’t want to be with me? Probably not, but it’s going to ruin me forever, until I finally get over him and it happens again with someone else.

In borderline communities, there’s a term we use called an fp. It means favorite person, but it’s so much more than that. My fp is the one person who I’d do anything for. I constantly crave his validation; so much of my self-worth is based on what he thinks of me and how he feels about me. I subconsciously put him on a pedestal and value his opinion more than anyone else’s. I’m extremely attached to him to the point where I can’t fully function properly without him in my life, or imagine a future without him where I’m happy.

During one of my psychiatrist visits, I was ranting about how heartbroken I was since my fp broke up with me.

“How long were you together?” she asked me.

“Three months, but it was a very intense three months.” I felt kind of embarrassed, because to the average person, three months is a very short span of time, especially for a relationship. From the way I was talking about him, it sounded like we’d been together for three years.

That’s how it felt like to me. That’s how intense borderline relationships feel. From the moment we met, we just clicked. We had everything in common, from our music tastes to our political ideologies. He had all the qualities I’d always been looking for in a boyfriend, and he was so incredibly sweet. And the best part? He accepted how borderline I was. He was perfect for me, in every sense of the word.

He taught me what a healthy relationship was like. Every moment with him felt like I was on cloud nine. With him, I was worry-free, content, and nothing else mattered except for us. He offered me just as much emotional support as I needed, and I wanted to be there for him every step of the way, whenever he needed me. I could feel myself getting more attached to him as he transitioned into my fp. I knew I was idealizing him, but it was okay because my feelings for him were reciprocated. I felt a deep sense of warmth and familiarity whenever I thought of him and what he meant to me. He made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me, that maybe I didn’t have any mental disorders after all. I was happier with him than I’d been in a really long time and it felt like everything in my life was finally getting better.

Because of how good our relationship was, I wondered if I actually did have BPD, or if I was just faking it. A symptom of BPD includes rapid fluctuations of idealization and devaluation of your fp. Because of one small thing that your fp does or says, you can go from intense love and admiration to intense hatred or anger within a matter of seconds. Within the BPD community, we call this splitting. I split constantly on my former fp whenever we had political disagreements, and I’d be ready to break up with him on the spot because I would be convinced that he was a horrible person. After a few minutes though, we would make up or change the topic because I couldn’t stay mad at him. My attachment to him was so strong because I put him on a pedestal, so I loved him despite flaws that I would hate anyone else for. I never had those kind of disagreements with my current fp, so I constantly doubted the validity of my self-diagnosis.

Within the first two months of our relationship, my fp and I were already talking about our future together. I was open with him about my BPD, and he actually wanted to be my fp. We casually talked about getting married and having kids. He treated me like a goddess and complimented me constantly. It was everything my borderline self wanted.

It wasn’t until later that I started having breakdowns over him as well. When he became too busy for me, I started worrying about him leaving me. I knew he was out drinking with his friends, but why wasn’t he paying attention to me? I wanted him involved in every part of my life, and I couldn’t help feeling that way despite knowing he had his own life to live. I’d split on him, but I wouldn’t necessarily hate him. I’d get angry at him because he was clearly abandoning me, but I wasn’t surprised. I felt like everyone hated me, that he hated me, and he didn’t really care about me because he was going to leave me just like everyone else. After my breakdowns, I’d feel really guilty and apologize to him for overreacting. He said it was okay, but it really wasn’t.

When we broke up, he said it was because he had to focus on his own mental health and he couldn’t take care of both of us at the same time. I told him I could take care of myself, and I begged for him not to leave. There wasn’t anything I could do to change his decision, but for a while I was angry at him because I felt betrayed. It’s not like he didn’t know what he was getting into; I’d disclosed my BPD from the start, and he was excited about being my fp. He said he could handle my mental disorder, but the moment it started getting worse, he left, just as I predicted. I was mad at him for abandoning me after he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t even try to make it work, he just gave up.

After a month of self-reflection and talking to friends about my breakup, I realized just how selfish I’d been, and how badly I ended up treating him. I was so concerned with how I felt, I didn’t realize how my breakdowns were affecting him. I was so self-absorbed and centered myself constantly without considering his feelings, which were just as valid as mine. It was difficult for me to process the fact that he needed to isolate himself for his own mental health, because I couldn’t help but think that he didn’t want to interact with me because he hated me. I can’t help feeling that way each time he ignores me, but I’m working on rationalizing that it’s not the case. Even though I can’t really change how I feel and how anxious it makes me, I can prevent myself from lashing out on him for not paying attention to me. It’ll drastically reduce the amount of stress put on him for being my fp.

I realized the difference between idealization and unconditional love was considering his needs and being willing to compromise, even if it hurts me. I’m willing to give him the space he needs to work out his own issues. I want to apologize to him for any additional stress I caused him. I want to tell him that it’s okay, that I’m not mad at him, that I’m here to support any decision he makes.

In any healthy relationship, it’s important to realize the need for balance. I’ve come to the realization that I personally won’t meet anyone who reciprocates the intensity of the love I feel, and that’s okay. Whoever I end up with will love me in their own way, even if it’s different from the kind I feel towards them. I need a great deal of emotional support from my fp, but it’s unfair of me to place such high standards on him and demand constant attention from him when he has his own life to deal with. I didn’t consider how stressful it must’ve been when I told him how I broke down over him, and how disappointed he must have felt when he couldn’t live up to my expectations, or provide me exactly what I needed in that moment. I can’t expect him to be a replica of the perfect boyfriend I envisioned in my head. He’s a real person with real feelings, so I have to consider his needs instead of always centering my own. It’s healthy to communicate openly about how you feel about each other, but telling your partner that they don’t care about you because they left you on read is not the best way.

I’m still working on how to be a better girlfriend. My fp broke up with me because he didn’t think he could handle a relationship or be a good boyfriend to me, even though he was the best boyfriend I’ve had thus far. I need to work through my attachment and trust issues, so I can find a balance instead of putting exceptional responsibilities on my fp. I’d do anything to make him happy, even if it means prioritizing him instead of me. I think it’s still possible to work out the problems we have, if we’re open about them and mutually support each other to establish a healthy foundation for our relationship to thrive. Becoming more self-aware about my symptoms and taking responsibility for my harmful actions was the best thing I could’ve done, and I really hope it’ll help me to get better and stop my BPD from controlling my life.

Sumaiya Islam

Written by

20, NYC, college student. I write about my culture and mental health experiences.