An honest and pretentious guide to crack your next big interview

Since the last few months, I have done and failed so many interviews, that suddenly when I woke up this morning, I decided to certify myself an expert and offer free interview taking advice. The last time when I was so spontaneous and instinctive, a big Israeli multinational (I’m talking 20 odd billion dollars in sales) rejected me saying and I quote: “Too spontaneous and instinctive. We are looking for people who can fit our organizational culture.” which I am guessing was probably not so spontaneous and instinctive.

Honestly, before coming to Italy, I didn’t have much experience of doing interviews and didn’t think of it as something you need to prepare for. Also because in India, job interviews work quite differently. Usually in India, you have the interview and then you get the job. And it’s not that it’s more difficult for me because I am a third world citizen (actually it is, but just a little bit). It’s equally difficult and challenging for a person of any nationality. And the reason is that employers here really like to sit with you for hours and know you inside out. So below is what I have learned so far from the several experiences I had, served totally free and totally pretentious.

Feel Honest

The usual advice that most people give is to be honest throughout the interview because the interviewers are experienced and have been doing this all their lives. But the truth is that most interviewers are not so smart and have fuck all knowledge of human psychology. As long as you feel honest, you can pull off the con of the century. Of course to feel honest you need to be extremely confident and act like you truly believe in every word you say. Usually in every interview, there comes a point where a small door opens. All you need to do is to make sure the interviewer comes on-board with you, before you start selling her bullshit.

Ask Questions which might not be so intelligent but seem so

This is a really tricky one especially for someone like me who is far secluded from this land called intelligence. But like I said before, so is the interviewer. So ask simple jargon laced questions which shows you are really interested in the company and have done proper research before coming to the interview, but above all, makes you seem intelligent (which by the way you probably aren’t). Something like this: “I went through the company’s quarterly reports and observed that the staff synergy is functioning way below projections. What steps are you taking to streamline the ‘outside the box’ thinking of the staff?”

Be Attractive

Samantha Angelo — Milan Fashion Week 2016 (I don’t own the copyrights of the image)

In the end, all these tips and advice are worthless and meaningless if you are ugly. So if you get anywhere below 10 matches per day on your Tinder profile, you shouldn’t even try. Start your own business or something because if you are not hot and attractive, no one will recruit you. OK, you can try and “Dress for Success” but the truth is that it won’t hide your ugly face. To attract the attention of the employer you need to have an attractive face. I am not saying you don’t have a future if you are ugly. In the next five years, you can be anything from the CEO of an over-funded silicon valley startup to a multiple Nobel prize winner in whatever field, but you won’t be working for the Big four, the Big ten or even the Big 100 for that matter. If you don’t believe me, then believe this FT article.

Note to self: Never forget to back your bizarre theories with an FT article.

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