Dark clouds. Impending Doom.(source)

My arch nemesis, Anxiety!

And how I have gained an edge over it.

August ‘10, Mumbai, I join Sardar Patel Institute of Technology (S.P.I.T), to pursue Bachelors degree in Computer Engineering. Thus began the darkest period of my life (yet, *looks for wood*). It took me 5 years to complete my Engineering instead of 4. In those 5 years I appeared for over 65 university exams and I failed at least 25 times. After getting into one of Mumbai’s top college and failing to score even 40 marks out of 100, 25 times, does things to your self esteem that you cannot imagine. In those dark times I found myself an unwelcomed companion — ANXIETY.

After going through the same stomach wringing pain each time I had to appear for an exam, I knew anxiety better than the back of my hand. This was no ordinary stress. With time it only got worse. I, otherwise an above average table tennis player would lose against a first time player in a tournament, an introvert sitting in the next room could have sledged me with his faintest attempt at mocking me. My trembling feet could slip over a pool of my sweat. I would hate getting out of house to meet people, meeting new people was worse. I would be sweating like a pig even before I got out of the door. I had a serious case of IBS, where I had to tale a dump at least twice before I left the house. If it’s exam day I would go once again right before we were handed our question papers and another time right amid the exam, sometimes twice. I failed almost ever time I had to deliver. I now knew I had developed performance anxiety (yeah… yeah… I know enough jokes about it already). Oh and please save your sympathies because I brought it upon myself. There must have been some 100 ways I could have avoided stress and the vicious cycle that follows.

Stress is not Anxiety!

I believe a little stress brings the best out of people. A stressful situation or ‘stressor’ is just a situation that demands more efforts than usual. It’s anxiety when the stress breaks you, and you find yourself in stressful situation more often. Anxiety is often correctly associated with a feeling of impending doom. It’s as if your body remembers your stress response and starts acting it out, whenever it wants, rather when you wouldn’t want. Even some situations that one would take for granted, start seeming stressful.

This is how I would explain suffering from anxiety to someone who doesn’t know: ‘Remember that situation when you thought you were under stress. Remember the nausea, pain in your lower abdomen (it’s not butterflies for sure), that shitting sensation, trembling fingers. Remember trying not to sweat but sweating a lot instead. Now how about going through it next time you have to go out and meet some friends? now try every time you have to meet someone…’. Not pleasant, right?

One of the images on internet that helped me realize, I had to look for help and that it was okay to see a psychotherapist. (source: I wouldn’t say the website is of any help, other than that image.)

The pressure of keeping up with everyone’s expectations, trying to please everyone itself is stressful enough. The feeling of letting myself down led to depressing thoughts. I found comfort in anti-social habits which directly affected my health. I became more sensitive to stress. Then on wards it was just a sinking ship stuck in a typhoon.

Everyone has to face some or the other kind of stress. Perhaps, if I was in a better physical health or if I was living with my parents, I might have manged myself. But nah, I would never trade the life lessons to avoid the pain. What I went through was not an out of the world reaction in some extraordinary circumstances. The circumstances were fairly common. People expected me to just get over it, because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Because I had everything I needed, I am not allowed to fail. As if it was a switch I just had to flick, but I was too stupid to do it.

NO! Anxiety is not something to be taken lightly. I have worked on it a whole year to, overcome it. I won’t say I never get anxious now or it’s gone for ever. I just know how to ‘deal with it’. I have learnt to deal with stress, in a healthier way, and avoid getting anxious. In retrospect, what I did was well planned, I might as well call it a program, a course on beating anxiety.

My 3-Part Program to beat anxiety!

Part 1 :- Be comfortable with being in the spotlight.

Walk into spotlight like a boss.

Why? #1 thing anyone hates, is letting others find out they feel anxious. Understand how your body reacts to being in spotlight, when all eyes are on you, when you are expected to perform. Become comfortable with your physicality.

How? Learn theatrical improvisation. I recommend learning improv comedy. It seems safe, if you fuck up on stage, worst case you could be a joke, which is not bad for comedy.

Lessons:

1. Improv comedy teaches you to think on your feet while you all eyes are on you. This is very helpful if you tend to go blank when you are being watched.
2. You accept your physicality. You notice your quirks, looks don’t worry you. Skinny legs? Long arms? Ugly face? Stammer much? meh… people are gonna laugh anyway.
3. You are not alone. On stage you take care of each other. A good fellow improviser would know how to ease you in.
4. It’s okay to fuck up. No one is going to beat you up for a mistake. Improvisation is about the moment. All that matters is what you do in the moment.
5. You learn to live in the moment. Even though it’s a shaky one.
6. You let loose. You do not have to be uptight all the time. It’s important to have a little fun.

Pro tip: #1. Wear loose trousers so no one sees your shivering knees.
2. Make sure there is a toilet nearby.

Part 2 :- Become Mindful. Meditate!

Changing perspectives. Look at thoughts as if they are passing cars.

Why? Become aware of your thoughts. Don’t try to block them, don’t change them, not yet. Just know your thoughts. Our minds almost forget what being calm feels like. A moment of calm might even feel a bit uncomfortable at times.

How? Meditate! Use headspace. Headspace is the best guided meditation app.(I wish they paid me for publicizing their app)

You are not your thoughts.

— Anon

Lessons:

1. Meditation is not about blocking your thoughts, it’s about becoming aware of your thoughts. Not knowing so is the most common beginners mistake.
2. You find out what a calm mind feels like. Become comfortable with not doing anything.
3. You learn to letting go off efforts. You will train your mind. (I love the ‘training the horse’ metaphor in above video, go to 0:46.)
4. Eventually you become mindful in your daily life situations. When you are not lost in thoughts, you have a better grip over your body once you control your mind.
5. Understand how your state of mind affects your body. In my case I learnt about my posture.
6. Helps imbibe focus, gratitude, compassion into life. Oh and better sleep. It really is a super power!

Pro tip: Shut up and install Headspace! Take 10!

PArt 3:- Get hold of your nerves. Learn an adventure sport!

My paragliding experience: No sweaty palms, no trembling or any sort of negative thoughts. I was my truest self. Those were the calmest 15 minutes of my life.

Why? Now that you have understood the mind and body connection, it is time to put it to test. Remember how your body would tremble when you felt anxious? Well.. Adrenaline is the real culprit. Understand that fear and anxiousness are not all bad, the right amount is quite helpful.

How? Learn an adventure sport. I picked up Paragliding at Bir Billing.

BRAVE IS BUILT, NOT BORN: Micro-bravery now!

— Caroline Paul

Lessons:

1. Adventure sports are meant to give you an adrenaline rush. Embrace the hormone. It helps you stay sharp, make quick decisions, and pumps a lot of energy through your body. Beware, you don’t need too much. Remember, your mind controls your body, you control your stress response.
2. Be afraid. Know the risk. A fearless person is not always the wisest.
3. Micro-bravery: Do not think about the whole insurmountable task. Break it down to small steps, be brave, small successful steps count.
   Micro-task, Micro-bravery, Max-effort.
4. Go all in, hold nothing back. There is no turning back in adrenaline sports. You take firm decisions at every step and see yourself through.
5. You will fail. Pick yourself up. Get on with it, try again. Let nothing stop you. The payoff at the end is worth it all.
6. Plan, always plan. Envision it with every minute detail you can.

Finally…

Get out of your comfort zone.

Pick the bravest memory, your legendary moment when you were invincible. When you applied most of the above principles and you excelled. Remember this moment, relive it every day. There will be a time when you would relapse, make sure you are reminded of this moment, then. It will bring you back on track.

You will feel the need to get away from people, friends, family, social networks. Being around people does add some pressure of keeping them. You will have to get used to saying ‘NO’. It is okay. You do what you have to.

Integrate these lessons into your life, keep learning. Live every moment.

And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I defeated my arch nemesis - ANXIETY.

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Have you ever suffered from anxiety? What was your experience? Do you know better ways of dealing with it? Do let me know what you thought of my 3 part program in the comments :P. Share it with people you think could be suffering, it helped me, might help someone else. Thanks!