I often tell myself (and other people, because for some reason, I can’t shut up and keep things to myself) that I’ve changed a lot over the recent years from everything that’s happened to me but the reality is that I haven’t really. I’m sure that I’ve grown in some way but it isn’t big enough for me to be truly proud of myself. I’m aware of my faults, which is a start, but my reaction to things hasn’t changed that much. The only reason why I think I’ve changed is because I’ve always removed myself from the situation to let myself become numb to the pain. But I always go back, and think that everything is different now just because I’ve numbed my feelings and emotions for that small period of time.

It’s a struggle. I don’t know how to change myself exactly, even when I say that being aware is a start. I’m unsure of where to go after that, and how to go about it.

I feel almost like a failure? To tell myself and others these things yet fail to reach them is the reality that I have to tell myself in the end, and it feels bad. I know people say that I shouldn’t be so strict with myself because I’m trying to improve myself but it makes no difference in how I feel about myself and the disappointment I feel in myself.

It’s like one minute I feel completely fine and on my way to becoming someone my parents would actually be proud of, and then the next, I’m a disaster, waiting for someone to come down and save me, from myself. And I’m sure everyone feels this way so it’s not something different, but it doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel these things and it doesn’t mean that they don’t feel bad.