Out of Control

Girl after my own heart…yard work and lyrics! My extra motivation to be kind to myself.

Yesterday, I got some bad news. Not cancer-bad, but some financial news that makes me a little nervous. After years of worrying about money, things have, just recently, finally become a little easier…it’s a hard feeling not to get attached to. So, I spent the rest of the day doing what I often do when something threatens my normally peaceful, little world.

I accomplished things.

I cleaned the kitchen, washed the blankets that have been piled in my dining room for a while, walked with the pooch, pulled some weeds, swept a little, trimmed around trees, caught up on Medium reading, sorted through old bills, did a walk/run interval workout…

Doing, doing, doing until I couldn’t do any more.

I was so exhausted (the entire time, mind you, not just at the end of the day), I couldn’t string two words together. I’d look at the titles in my drafts, and nothing would come to me. I even had trouble formulating short responses. Every single time I stopped to write, my mind would wander to something else I should do.

As if, by doing, I was suddenly, somehow going to gain control.

That was it, of course. I was trying to control the situation, a situation I was never going to be able to control.

So, after a giant piece of (not even that tasty) chocolate cheesecake for dinner, and one last unsuccessful attempt to compose something, I gave it up and went to bed.

When, despite my exhaustion, sleep wouldn’t come, I reached over to hold Wayne Dyer (Insideout was at a show). I flipped Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life open to a random page, and saw this:

Affirm: This is a temporary setback. I am going to release myself from having to be the person in control.

Whoa!

The next thing I remember was Lilly’s tail slapping me in the side, sometime in the middle of the night, signaling my honey’s return.

And now, here I am, writing at my kitchen counter, in front of an open window, feeling the warm breeze, taking a few moments every now and then to gaze out at the songbirds on the feeder. (The one I originally strategically placed there to make food prep more enjoyable, because I need all the help I can get.)

Today, I am feeling peaceful. I am putting nothing on my list of things to do. After the crazy of yesterday, today, I will enjoy goallessness. (That is too a word…I put it in the Urban Dictionary myself a few years ago.)

As soon as I get off here, I’m headed outside to get sunshine on my shoulders (no, not the song, silly), to smell the violets, to wander barefoot in our super-soft, freshly-mowed grass (thanks, Babe). Maybe I’ll divide some flowers, maybe I won’t. Who knows? Whatever happens, will.

And, if anything gets accomplished, that will just be bonus.

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