The Gang Goes to the Primaries
It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of the hit television series, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. “Always Sunny” as it’s colloquially known, pushes the creative envelope further than most shows have gone before. It’s innovative, hilarious, and sometimes downright strange. Yet, it’s such an addictive and likable show regardless of the down-low, despicable lead characters. That’s what makes “Always Sunny” so fascinating.
The presidential race has been a hot topic for months now and continues to heat up. How does this relate to “Always Sunny”? Well, recently a well-known actor from “Always Sunny”, namely mister Danny DeVito, endorsed presidential candidate and democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders by introducing him at a rally in St. Louis. This quickly resulted in delight for Bernie/Danny fans, and the inevitable meme that followed.
When I discovered said meme, it prompted a discussion between my husband and I. Who would Frank from “Always Sunny” actually endorse for president? This lead to a discussion on who all of the characters would endorse. Which in turn, leads to this article I’m writing right now. So, who would the characters from “Always Sunny” endorse? Here’s what I imagine the dialogue would be like…
Dee: So who are you guys going to vote for in the primary?
Dennis: Dee, why in God’s name would we give a shit about voting?
Frank: Nah, your sister’s right Dennis. Voting is important. We gotta make sure those illegals still keep coming over here to work for cheap. They’re the only ones that’ll work for nothing in my sweat shop schemes.
Dennis: Frank, you don’t have any sweat shop schemes.
Frank: But I could if there were more illegals hanging around!
Mac: No, no. You guys have it all wrong. Voting is about God.
Dennis: Goddamnit, Mac.
Mac: God would want us to vote. He needs us to vote, to get the most Godly candidate in there. You know, someone to run America like Christ himself led the Jews to Christianity. Only, he wouldn’t be as good as Christ because Christ is the only Christ and Son of the living God. So, I’m definitely voting for that God-like but not actually Jesus guy.
Dee: You don’t mean Ted Cruz, do you Mac? Please not Ted —
Mac: YES! Yes, Ted Cruz. That’s the guy. He’s the Jesus non-Jesus guy.
(Everyone starts shouting and arguing, enter Charlie)
Charlie: Guys, what’s the big deal about voting? I mean, Obama is definitely the guy to choose. He still has like three years left anyway.
(Everyone gets quiet, stares at Charlie)
Mac: Oh, no Charlie you can’t vote for Obama, he’s a Muslim. He’s like, a terrorist!
Dennis: No, Charlie can’t vote for Obama because Obama isn’t up for re-election you morons. And Mac, you can’t go around saying Obama is a Muslim terrorist. God —
Dee: A Muslim terrorist, Mac? Really? Really?
Frank: Ah, who gives a shit about Obama. He’s out, and Trump is in. I’m voting Trump.
Dee: How could you possibly vote for that disgusting, despicable, horrible man, Frank? For God’s sake he’s orange.
Frank: Yeah, but he’s loaded. He likes money, he has money, and he’ll fight for people with money…like me.
Dennis: You greedy son of bitch.
Dee: Trump wants to build a wall to keep your precious illegals out, Frank.
Frank: Yeah, but that wall will take at least 30 years to get built. Politicians never get shit done quick.
Dee: Well I am voting for Madam Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton. She cares about women and equality for all.
Frank: Yeah, equality for all rich people and big banks.
Dee: No Frank, No. She cares about women’s rights, empowerment, education —
Mac: Who gives a shit about education and women, Dee? Why do we care about education when there are millions of Godless children out there who need to be saved so they don’t burn in hell? That Cruz guy will make sure that instead of ‘education’ our kids get to know the Lord, the ultimate educator instead.
Dennis: Jesus fucking Christ, Mac. And Dee, nobody cares about any of that shit. Hell, no one wants a woman president anyway. I mean, please.
Dee: What? Dennis, seriously —
Dennis: SHUT UP BIRD, YOU STUPID PRO-VAGINA BIRD!
(Everyone laughs hysterically)
Charlie: Haha, Dennis said “Vagina bird”.
Mac: So Dennis, you’re voting for Ted Cruz too, right?
Dennis: I’m not voting for anybody. I don’t give a shit about voting.
Charlie: Hey guys, look on the TV. They’re talking about this voting election stuff.
TV Reporter (on television): And today, Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in multiple upcoming primaries. Regardless of previously projected numbers, Bernie supporters insist they will not give up on their candidate —
Frank: Bernie Sanders. Who the hell is that guy?
Dee: Oh, he’s Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the race. He’s some old white guy who seems to be really popular with young people. Millennials specifically. He’s too socialist for me though.
Frank: There’s a goddamn commie running for President of the United States?
Dee: NO Frank, he’s not a communist.
Frank: That son of a bitch, who does he think he is —
Dennis: Shut up, Frank. Quit rambling about commies. In fact, don’t use the word commies anymore.
Charlie: The reporter is talking again about the commie guy…
Dennis: He is not a goddamn commie!
TV Reporter: We’re live at a Sanders rally here in Philadelphia, and the crowd is going absolutely wild. (Camera pans across crowd)
Dennis: Wow, there sure are a lot of chicks there. Hot, young chicks.
Mac: Yeah. And they are being pulled into the clutches of evil! This commie is supporting shit like abortion and welfare. We can’t let those women be suckered into that! God hates abortion, and he pretty much hates welfare too because God thinks you should work for everything you have regardless of how poor you are. If you’re poor, it isn’t God’s fault. It’s your own fault for being a lazy hellion.
Dee: I can’t believe all of those women are going to vote for Bernie Sanders. I mean, if they want change they need a woman. They need someone who understands their plight, not some old white guy.
Charlie: I dunno guys, I mean this Bernie guy has like the most awesome slogan. There are people everywhere with these signs that say, “Feel the Bern!” That’s pretty bad ass, dude. Apparently, this guy is so hardcore he burns himself.
Mac: No, it is not bad ass, it is an abomination!
Frank: A bunch of them young broads is hot. Look at the knockers on that one! WHOO.
Dennis: Yeah. There are a bunch of hot chicks there, aren’t there? Hot, young, and supporting abortion. Guys, I think I’m gonna vote in the primary.
Dee: Dennis, you sick son of a bitch —
Dennis: Shut up, BIRD!
Charlie: Yeah, I think I’m gonna vote for this Bernie guy. I mean clearly, “Feel the Bern” that’s like…the coolest. I just want to scream it over and over. It’s like, “Feel the Bern!! Feel my BERN!”
Dennis: Charlie, Feel my Bern is not the same. It sounds like you’re asking a woman to share an STD with you. Just stop.
Charlie: What about “Feel the Greenman Bern?”
Dennis: Not any better, bro.
Mac: I cannot believe you people are not voting for Ted Cruz. You’re all burning in hell, I’ve done what I can do. I wash my hands of you all, of this whole thing!
Charlie: Well I guess I’ll just “Feel the Bern” in hell then, Mac! Feel my Bern!
(Charlie and Mac argue)
Dennis: Jesus Christ.
Frank: Well, I gotta get going. Gotta go get some bribe money to Donald Trump. Shit, maybe he’ll make me his VP! VP Frank Reynolds. I like it!
Dee: You are not going to give that slime ball bribe money, Frank. That’s mine and Dennis’s money goddamnit, and I wanna give some to Hillary.
Frank: Good thing I’m not dead and it ain’t your money cause that shit ain’t happening. That broad ain’t getting a dime! At least my slime ball is honest about being a slime ball!
(Frank and Dee leave arguing)
Dennis: Well, Bernie Sanders. You’re getting my vote. And you’ll also be getting me laid. Thank you, sir for your dedication to this great country and all the young, sexy women who live in it. Time to scout the talent.
Mac: Dennis, where you going man?
Dennis: Oh, gonna wash the Range Rover. I’ll be back later.
Charlie: Well, I’m gonna go to that Bernie rally! Feel the Bern! Greenman! Feel it!
Mac: No, Charlie. You are not going to that rally! I will physically wrestle you to the ground right now.
Charlie: Then do it, bro!
(Mac and Charlie start wrestling in the bar)
And that, folks is how I imagine the gang would attend the primaries. Queue the “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” ending theme music, please.