Everything You Need To Know About Cuffing Season

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Is there anything like fall? Corn mazes, sweaters, chai lattes, crying in your bed because you’re cold and lonely… wait, what? Yep, that’s right, y’all. Summer’s over, and it’s officially the season of wondering if you’ll die alone and using an electric blanket as a substitute for the warmth of another human being. And everyone wonders why I hate the cold.

But never fear. Though it is the end of the season of summer’s sluttiness, it is also the beginning of something promising: CUFFING SEASON. Whether it’s your first season of cuffing or you’re a lifetime veteran, I’m here with everything you need to know to get back on your sex game A-game and get emotionally laid all winter long.

What Cuffing Season Is — And Isn’t

For longer than I would like to admit, I thought that cuffing season referred to the time of year where dudes roll up their pants so you can see the Nike swoosh on their socks. (Hipster boys love rolling stuff — cigarettes, shirt sleeves, pants, molly.) This assumption, as it turns out, is not correct.

Internet legend has it that cuffing season originated on Twitter. Its first big cultural break was in 2013 when 50 Cent and Brooklyn rapper Fabolous dropped a track called “Cuffin Season,” which is all about girls who flex being single and fabulous on Instagram but still hit you up with the dead of winter, 2 a.m. “let’s cuddle” text. I’m sure you’re familiar.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUzh-9PyD4E

Urban Dictionary defines it this way:

The “cuffing” is a hat tip to literally handcuffing yourself to another individual for reasons unknown. Let’s use it in a sentence.

It is a time of year to, as Drake says, be on your WORST behavior.

To Cuff Or Not To Cuff?

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Some questions:

  • Do your all your relatives ask you whether or not you’re seeing someone special at holidays?
  • Are you too broke to buy a Fleshlight, vibrator, or electric blanket?
  • Are you lonely?
  • Does seasonal depression hit you hard every winter?
  • Have you ever thought of buying one of those lamps that mimics the sun so you won’t kill yourself?
  • Do you like making out?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations! You’re off to the races.

If you didn’t answer yes to any of these questions, stop reading this article, because I hate you and we’re not friends.

Do’s and Don’ts of Cuffing Season

Cuffing season is a lot like jumping off a very high diving board or quitting your job with no backup plan: scary until you do it….at which point, it’s STILL scary. What exactly do I mean by that? I mean that getting naked with someone new, either physically or emotionally, is soul-shatteringly stressful. It can be a lot! But never fear: I put together a handy list of t(hot) tips for the upcoming cuffing season.

If you’re not a cuffer, that’s fine. You should never do anything you don’t want to do. If you want to be cold and lonely until next June, that’s your choice.

Do listen to sad and slutty music

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You know you listen to a bunch of sexy R&B and rap and dance in front of your mirror to wind yourself up for a Friday night on the town? You should do that for cuffing season too. It’s a time of emotional melancholy and seeking emotional reassurance you don’t really need in people who are fundamentally unable to provide it. Gotta ramp up for that shit.

Here, I made you a Spotify playlist.

Please note: There is, of course, a fair amount of Drake on this playlist. Which I felt conflicted about. On one hand, his music and overall brand really embodies the unhealthy relationship to your feelings that I consider to be the essence of cuffing season. But earlier this month I saw something on Twitter about Drake being canceled because he’s a pedophile.

The Internet is accusing Drake of being a pedophile because he’s dating a 19 year old. Which is, yeah, technically kinda weird because he’s 29. But if being 29 and dating someone ten years younger than you makes you a pedophile, then literally all my male friends should have been incarcerated at one point. I don’t know. I put him on the playlist. I’m sorry. Please don’t email me.

DON’T get back with your ex

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Haha, just kidding, this is a GREAT time to get back with your ex!!! Why would you burn your bridges when you could just sleep under them like the slutty little troll that you know you are? If the Mercury retrograde is a time to branch out and bone new people, cuffing season is a time to rewind for a hot minute. I used to think getting back together was stupid, until I realized that there is, in fact, some merit to eating your own sloppy seconds. It might be dumb (it’s definitely dumb), but at least you know what to expect. Also, if you’re going for warmth, comfort, and stability, there is something to be said about sleeping with someone that you’ve already slept with.

So the moral of this one is, don’t get back together with your ex. (Get back together with your ex! Makeup sex is so hot.)

DO read their astrological chart

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If you’re going to be spending the better part of the cold season with someone, you better know their moon, Mercury, and Venus placements at the BARE minimum. That way, you can forgo communicating like a mature adult and just read the newspaper instead.

For you normies out there: moon = emotions, Mercury = communication, Venus = luv. If any of these are in Pisces, Cancer, or Scorpio for the love of God, RUN. All my most self-destructive relationships have been with water signs! They are great lovers, though. Choose your own adventure.

Don’t tell them that you’ve read their chart

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Do you WANT to seem like a psycho? I cannot stress the importance of being discreet about your insanity enough. Of course, it’s a chore to find out when, where, and what time someone was born without them knowing exactly what you’re up to, but if you spread the questions out over a long enough period of time you should be fine. Make up some pop psychology article like, “I read something online that said people who were born in the morning are more likely to be morning people! What time were YOU born?”

Don’t be emotionally slutty

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God, I do this all the time. You shouldn’t share the inner details of your emotional life with someone just because they have seen you naked twice. Because eventually you’ll have to see them around with their hot Mercury Retrograde hookup, and you’ll have to look them in the eyes and pretend like you never told them about the first time you ever saw your mother cry.

I know people are all like, “honesty is foundation of a healthy relationship!” but I’m pretty sure that people who say masturbate to pictures of Pomeranian puppies in mason jars they find on Pinterest because they can’t get laid. Every good relationship I know involve a healthy dose of… what’s the word I’m looking for… not deception, but… discretion??? What I’m trying to say is that your Cuffing Season Significant Other does not need know the source of every single emotional scar that you have. They shouldn’t have to play therapist to the ins and outs of your terrible childhood and bad relationship with your mom/dad/cat etc.

Just be cool. Cool people are discreet. Again, do as I say, not as I do.

Do keep your options open.

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You know what’s better than one good thing? Two good things.

Most importantly, have fun.

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Summer will be back before you know it. So while the world is hibernating and you don’t know how to handle your own needs, drink eggnog, go to corn mazes, do all the cute things you can think of. There’s something to be said for drinking eggnog and passing out, and staying in to watch Netflix on a December night. PLUS, if you’re open-minded, you might meet the love of your life. Who knows? Sometimes cuffing season turns into happily ever.

And if it doesn’t, at least you saved some money on your heating bill and got laid. That’s the most that any of us can really ask for in this life of sin.