Things I Did Wrong As A Mom
Just This Week:
Jul 20, 2017 · 2 min read

- Bought a pineapple that was too green and then had the audacity to put it in the fridge. I’m a monster.
- Asked my son to not sleep all day, so he woke up at 2pm. We had a loud disagreement about whether or not this meant he’d missed the better part of his day, so he went behind my back and told his sister that she’s the favorite now.
- We’ve eaten fast food for dinner twice in three days because when I cooked dinner once I burned the spaghetti.
- Got caught watching an orgy scene on TV. Super awkward. In my defense, it was on basic cable.
- Asked my son to fix the vacuum. He spent TWO HOURS taking it apart, turning it off & on, hitting it with a screwdriver, swearing at it under his breath. It’s still broken. Then he told his sister she’s the favorite when he thought I wasn’t listening.

- Let my daughter take the car out after curfew because I’d taken too many sleeping pills. She came back eventually. Everything’s fine.
- Forgot to buy Eggos.
- Forgot to buy toilet paper.
- Ate cheese when they told me something might have cheese in it and I definitely shouldn’t eat it, and then farted up the living room.
- Stole some booty shorts out of my daughter’s dresser.
- Stole batteries out of my son’s game system.
- Won’t let anyone else have the mini-frosted donuts. This is something “dad would never do”. But they’re really good mini-frosted donuts.
- My daughter found the Burger King receipts when she borrowed the car. I’m not supposed to have Burger King. She’s going to tell my doctor.
- Burned a one inch strip of skin on my shoulder with my hair straightener. Not allowed to have pretty straight hair for the rest of monsoon season. Also, cross examined about doing my hair without wearing a shirt.
- Finally and officially gave up on our plant. I’m a murderer. RIP, lil succulent.

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