An encounter in my spiritual journey.
Hi there. My name is Samantha and I’m new to this whole blogging thing. I’m not a professional writer, I misspell words, I make major punctuation errors and my husband has to correct pretty much everything I write. Forgive me if you notice these things, I’m willing to admit I’m not perfect.
More than I’m willing to admit I’m not perfect, I’m willing to admit I’m a sinner. I’m sure you guessed it just then, and yep, you got it right… I’m a Christian. Now that that’s out there, go ahead and take your minute or two, based off of that information alone, to make hundreds of assumptions and judgments over me so we can get to the good stuff, okay? We are going to talk about it. By “it" I mean my conversion. Well, not just my conversion, but my entire spiritual journey leading up to it.
In this series of blog posts, I’m going to go over pretty much the entire story of how I got here and why that’s important. This is one you may want to sit down for. Atheists, if you’re still here, you’re going to think I’m bat attack crazy. I dont blame you, part of me thought the very same thing when this all started. Probably because the very beginning of my journey started with some good old fashioned DMT.
Yep, that’s right folks, I’m that kind of sinner, I loved drugs. Mind altering substances, in moderation, but none the less, made me feel some kind of spiritually awesome. Connected to some kind of higher realm, and I thought I knew EVERYTHING. Come to find out, I had an over active imagination, an addiction to getting altered, and I knew absolutely nothing about anything. Not. A. Thing.
Well, I guess you could say I had a deep underlying idea that Jesus was something important. But I was basically a satan worshiper at the time, so no, I really wasn’t aware of anything.
I’m not even sure I should be telling this story because the information I was given is dangerous, esp to a non believer or someone easily led astray, such as a teenager or a newer Christian. I’ve been there before, do not let my stories be a faith shaker to you. Stick with Jesus, he is your only door to eternal salvation. Anything other will land you in a spiral of chaos and destruction. This much I can promise you as this is what God Himself has promised you. He never breaks His promises. This is a warning, do not allow my past to be what leads you to a darker doorway. This is intended to shine light in some darker areas of my own spiritual journey and something for others to contrast their own to or hear the testimony for Christ. Not to mention, it’s an interesting story, even if you take it as absolute fiction.
Before I start this excerpt from my life, I should mention that this particular starting experience happened in 2013, the year I met my husband. As a matter of fact, it was only a couple short weeks before we met. Somehow, he loved me through everything and I will never stop being thankful for his patience. I am nowhere near as patient with anything compared to how well he waited for me to come around. Before this particular experience, I had been bouncing back and forth between atheism, agnosticism, and potential Christianity warped to what I desired it to be. Mostly, I had never experienced God other than as a small child and wasn’t even sure he was there.
Here is how it went;
It was right around my 22nd birthday, I went over to my friend’s house to hang out for the evening. My friend was a big time hippy stoner type, big into astrology and kind of a spiritual goober. He once mentioned that the universe was created by enormous, horrifying worms that were kind of eating themselves, or something of the sort… based off of another friends ketamine trip. Strange kid, I wouldn’t trade him for anything, but we definitely have our differences. We have had some crazy and very interesting conversations over the years.
Well as it was for my birthday, he offered me something I had never done before. I had heard of DMT, and other people’s experiences but I had never done it for myself. I was terrified because I knew it was going to launch me into seemingly another universe. And it definitely did something like that.
*Also, before I continue, I want to disclose that I in no way condone this kind of behavior. I do not suggest doing any form of drugs as they they are spiritually and physically damaging. They may send you on a journey, but I promise you, its heading in the wrong direction. I do not intend to glorify drug usage or other spiritual pathways, but to show you where I came from and how far I’ve come. I believe with all my heart that Jesus is the ONLY answer.
Anyways.
He handed me the bong, and I started to breathe in, wondering how long it would take. Slow, deep, inhale. Before I could even finish my breath, I started “taking off.” The sound was like a horrendously loud whoosh mixed with a womping, it sounded similar to an airplane mixed with a train. It sent me through this tunnel, it was a dark grey color and there was something on the other side. I was scared, but there was a comfort there. When I broke through there was nothing there. Nothing that I can remember, up until a certain point. It was like the experience was too heavy to be able to remember, or I was left in absolute silence and darkness, alone. Completely and utterly alone. One or the other. Much like in rem cycle or the deepest parts of your sleep, we have no idea where we are during those times. At the time, I believed that I had experience life after death and that I had actually seen heaven and that’s why I couldn’t remember. This was not true, although the experience was one of a spiritual nature, it was a much darker experience as I am more aware of truth.
When things got clear enough to witness, there was this fluid looking realm before me. Shapes and colors that do not exist to our human eyes. A blue “person” appeared somewhat off in my peripheral, seemingly attached to my own body, though it didnt seem like I possessed a body. This creature was whispering things to me that I believe made sense at the time, but in human words were absolute gibberish, it was not a human language but one of a demonic realm. I’m not sure what they were telling me, but it felt like the secrets to the universe. Which keys to unlock certain doors. What I was there for and the sort. Things I had not yet experienced, that were promised to me in exchange for worship. I see why the fear was there before now, more clearly than ever. I met satan there.
That’s kind of funny, considering we always pictured him as a red dude with horns. Nope, blue genderless spirit, probably where they came up with all of the Hindu gods, honestly. I think he has a tendency to take on many forms depending on the person. Another experience I will get into another time. I’ve met him over and over and over again along my spiritual journey, I know him almost as well as some of my friends. Needless to say, I dont consider him a friend… anymore. Horrifying, right?
At one point in time, I was sitting there, aware of my body, holding this small orb of light in my hands. It was the first time I can remember being aware of any form of a body encompassing my spirit. I was manipulating this orb, and satan over there was telling me I held all of this power in my hands and that I was in control of everything. All kinds of power that day, I’m sure, was bestowed upon me, by the master of deception. Something again, I will explain further slong in my ventures into the deep darkness of esoterics.
When I started coming to, the blue fella was explaining chaos and balance to me. I would start coming back into the material realm and everything was horrifying and chaotic. I didnt understand what life even was on Earth, let alone inanimate objects. The things all put together as solid matter didnt make any sense whatsoever. It was similar to what I would have figured being born felt like. Just less wet and goopy. It certainly was a painful experience though. My friend had so many colors and random items in his room and I had to make sense of everyone of them as I came down. And then satan would whisper now feel the calm, and I would go back into this other worldly realm and instantly be comforted because it seemed to be so much easier to understand. Out of nowhere he would start screaming at me, NOW EXPERIENCE THE CHAOS, FEEL THE FIRE MUAHAHAHAHAHA, and I started spiraling out of control. He wanted me to believe that he was our comforter, while simultaneously tormenting me, torturing me so I would experience Earth as hell. I know now he was dangerous. I was messing around with Kali Yuga. Playing with fire.
When I finally came around, I had one of the worst, most embarrassing panic attacks of my entire life. I had to go through literal hell on Earth because of what I had just experience, both in coming down and during the rest of my slumber party with my friend. And he got to bear witness to it all. To this day we get kind of awkward if it comes up in a conversation as we both have been trying to forget about it. El Oh El.
I will, however, spare you the details as some of the things I was saying to him, still to this day mortify me. Okay, maybe they make me laugh because of how dumb I was being about everything, but none the less, I’ll keep that part to the back of my memory. Although, I clung to him for dear life that night; I grabbed onto him and refused to let go because I thought I would float off into outer space if I let go of him. Or implode, Something like that. I remember staring out the window, out into the stars and thinking I had seen the beginning of everything, I had a vision of the big bang as far as the creation of the Earth and the expansion of everything. That is, right there, where I determined what I believed God was. Pure, raw, untamed, energy and light. Consciousness. An orb, both larger than anything as well as smaller than the smallest possible molecule. I thought I knew EVERYTHING. I was WRONG.
This entire experience happened over the course of 15 minutes, but I was honestly gone for an eternity. It felt like I had always been there, from the very beginning, until the very end, which became a rebirth into darkness and my walk into the worst anxiety and mental illness I’ve ever experienced in myself. It was the most intense illusion of my entire life, which caused many other illusions throughout the next five years. Until I finally came to Christ and accepted him into my heart as my savior and my only God, our Father who art in heaven. The whole thing was an interaction with satan, who I mistook for my “higher" self or an angel of some sort and was in constant contact with ever after, with out realizing what was going on as I had no real Christian influence in my life up until weeks after.
I skipped work the next day wondering what on Earth the point of working even was. I started questioning everything I thought I knew and all of my moral values and why they were even there. I was a completely different person. I started living more sinfully when I was already a self-centered person, fulfilling personal desires only, doing anything and everything for instant self gratification. Living very angrily, always starting drama and jumping to defense. A lot of drinking and poor decision making. Neglecting my son to sit on the computer for hours and hours. Fortunately before I went down an even deeper and darker road in which I would have likely been lost forever on, I met my husband. Just a few weeks after this experience, I unsuspectingly met my dearly beloved and two days later we began our journey into our eternity together. I will tell you more in my next post about how the… I dont know what the heck and the Christain came together.
In conclusion of tonight’s encounter in the spiritual journey of Samantha;
When I made the decision to do DMT in the first place, I basically gave the devil permission to come in and do his work relentlessly, to turn my life into some kind of chaotic,anxiety ridden, upside down cake. Full of hatred, anger, and terrible decisions. The fruit of it was very clear. My conversion would have been so much easier, my life with my partner much smoother as I was already borderlining christianity here and there. My parenting would have been much better a lot sooner. My whole self, so much stronger and more worthy of the forgiveness I have received. With Jesus though, the other has no authority over my life, thank the good Lord. This was one of the worst mistakes of my life and I still have not properly asked for forgiveness for it. I see how the Lord has used me telling this story, five and a half years later to show me what I didnt understand at the time. To show me how very wrong I was and that I was a sinner to an extreme and am STILL in need of his amazing grace and forgiveness every day of my life.
I was wondering where God was during that entire experience, and I’ve recognized him as what was trying to prevent me from taking the drug in the first place. He was ther placing that fear in there, saying STOP! This is not where you want to go! Very well knowing I could not yet hear him, or that I wasn’t aware that he was even there. I had no understanding of his ways of communication.
How far I’ve come.
This is one story out of many of my experiences in the last several years. I do plan on sharing every one of them in detail as I remember them. So if you think I’m crazy now, just wait… they get even weirder and harder to explain.
If you want to put in a prayer request with me, or talk to me about converting to Christianity and your own spiritual journey, please feel free to email me at thechristcafe@gmail.com I am more than happy to answer any of your questions, especially if I can be of help along your way.
Many blessings loved ones. In Jesus name.
