7 “Dos” and “Don’ts” You Need to Know if a Friend is Going Through Hell

What do you do when someone you know is going through a serious illness, death of a loved one, or other trauma? People get scared they’re going to blow it. Say the wrong thing. Or not say the right thing.

The fear is real. But if you push past it, you’ll reap the rewards.

I’ve forged some of my closest friendships over the past couple of years. The people who supported me during my health crisis are dear to me in ways I can’t express in words. We weren’t necessarily close before then. But boy are we now. They’re family to me. I’d do anything for them.

If you aren’t there for a good friend during their time of need, you may have regrets — especially if they’re dying, but even if they aren’t. That’s crappy. And unnecessary.

But, you protest…I don’t know what to say! I’m scared. I’m nervous. I, I, I …

Fear not. Below is my handy dandy, real-life-tested guide to the dos and don’ts of helping a friend through a traumatic time. Follow this, and you’ll be sitting pretty. You’ll be so proud of yourself, you’ll tell all your friends how much you rock.

You’re welcome.

1. Do ask, “How are you doing?” Seems obvious, right? But people rarely ask this question. It’s a great opener if you’re feeling nervous or tongue tied. Most likely, the person will be glad you asked. They’ll tell you all about it.
2. Do listen. Allow the other person to do most of the talking. They need that more than anything else. And actually, it makes your job easier. You don’t have to think of anything to say!
3. Don’t try to fix the person or their problem. This should be a relief. Your job is simple: just be there. If you’re the type of person who likes to make things happen, see it as a new challenge. It’s a valuable life skill you can use in all kinds of ways.
4. Don’t diagnose them. Unless you’re the person’s doctor or therapist, it’s not your job to make a medical or psychological diagnosis. It doesn’t help, and it can cause real harm to them and their family.
5. Don’t preach — even to the converted. You may think this is the time to give them religious or spiritual counseling. Maybe you want to teach them about law of attraction, visualizing, or something else that has helped you in the past. Even if you and the friend share a belief system, don’t go there. A major trauma can shake people to the core — they may become spiritual or religious in a new way, or they may lose their faith. Steer clear unless they specifically ask for it.
6. Do ask how you can help. Again, seems obvious, but most people don’t do it. You may be afraid that by asking, you’re letting yourself in for more than you can handle. But you don’t have to sign up for anything you don’t want to do. Choose something that feels comfortable. Or ask for time to figure it out. If you do end up agreeing to something you later regret, don’t worry. Apologize, and explain what you will do instead. Most likely, they’ll understand and let you off the hook. The fact that you cared to ask will go a long way.
7. Do remember that this is about them, not you. This can be tough. Especially if you’re used to the back-and-forth of a normal friendship. But things aren’t normal for them. All their focus and energy is on their situation. You have to put your own stuff on hold and be there for them during the times you’re together. Get support elsewhere.

I hope this helps you. And if I’ve missed any, feel free to put them in the comments below. Or, if you think I’m all wrong, tell me about that.

Photo credit: Leticia Bertin, Flickr