Dear Mother, You lied to me!

Why people in my country treat Men like gods?

I ask myself that question everyday! every-freaking-day.

Why they always think a man can do what he wants or say what he wants, because he’s a Male!

What’s wrong with being born as a Female?

When I was young - like really really young — my mom used to tell me she was glad I’m a Girl, she always wanted to have a Girl. That made me super happy, and I though “Oh! so being a girl must be a good thing”, but I have never been so wrong in my entire life, and I never thought back then that my mom was such a good a liar!

A divorced woman they say! that’s my mom, a divorced woman. You might say “Okay! So what?” which is actually a good question! What’s wrong with a divorced woman? She simply was a married woman who chose to ask for divorce, because she thought that’s better!
But in my country, they treat divorced women like they committed a sin or something! Which is funny because their religion told them that woman has the right to divorce a man if she wants to leave him. Then what’s wrong with a divorced woman?

What’s wrong with my mom?

Why she always takes her MALE brothers side against me? It’s not my fault that one can’t find a job because he thinks he’s too great to work and the other spends all of his money on prostitutes like an animal that he even embezzled money from the company he used to work at just to spend it on women even if he almost went to jail!!

It’s not my fault they’re still act like that even now when they’re in their 50's! It’s not my fault that she let them take control over her and even me all that time!!

But because of how they treat her, she used to take all of her anger on me by hitting me, she turned into an abusive mother — a scary mother — but still no one stopped her, because she was punishing a Girl, so she kept being abusive till one day she had to take me to hospital and I had a small surgery, and when people asked about what happened to me, they simply told them with a sweet smile “Oh it’s nothing! She just had an accident”.

She stopped being abusive after that “accident” but she still kept giving them all of her money and the power, because they’re the Men of the family. She even let them take the decision of where I should go for my college, because I’m a Girl and that was just enough reason to tell me what to do in my own life, so they refused to let me go where I wanted to go, and they changed my entire future just for how they thought it’s better for me, because I’m a Girl and they’re Men.

I remember the first thing they told me when they saved me after I tried to kill myself, they said “What will happen if people know you tried to kill yourself? they will think that you’ve slept with a man and committed a sin that you tried to kill yourself ” and I was like “Wait, what? What the hell you’re talking about!! How can they even think of a stupid thing like that?” They simply answered with “They will! because you are a Girl, and what else will make a Girl wants to kill herself other than that?

I wished to be a boy so bad, I’ve never been able to do what I wanted because I was convinced that being a Girl was the reason for why they hated me, its the reason to be an epic fail in society, and it’s a reason to be in a relationship when a Man tell me even what and what not to wear.

I’ve been scared of all of the Men I’ve encountered the whole entire time, and what made it worse that when once an old Man in my family — A relative who was 60 years old back then — pleasured himself by touching a 9 years old Girl! I didn’t know back then what exactly he did to me, but it scared me to the death.. But you know what scared me more? Telling my mom or my uncles — her brothers — I was afraid they would yell or hit me! So I kept it a secret that no one knew about except for my ex-boyfriend who when I told him he just said “It’s not a big deal”…

Am I still afraid of Men? The answer is Unfortunately Yes!

Did I lose hope in Men? The answer is No, I know very well that not everyone is the same.

Did I lose hope in Men in my country? The answer will be Maybe, I don’t know to be honest!

I won’t lie I got traumatized badly and it took me years of depression and suicidal thoughts to just know it’s not a bad thing that I’m a Girl and I even learned to forgive my mother, because I know it’s not her fault. Yes, she did bad things to me and being abusive is something she chose herself, not one forced her! but I also know that she was born and raised in a time worse than my time that she didn’t even had a chance to learn about what’s her rights was nor it’s not wrong to be a Woman!

I still have suicidal thoughts, even few days ago I did want to kill myself, but now I’m learning to control it and know I’m better now at least… I guess?

I still think I didn’t do anything for me yet! I still live with my mom and her brothers in the same house, because Law forced me to do so, but since I’m adult enough now I’m working hard to save money to live alone.
I’m somehow scared of living alone, because it might sound weird, but it will be my first time to do something for Myself! Do you understand me? But I’m trying and I will do it.

I learned to stand for myself, I learned to say NO! and I’m learning to stand on my own feet.

So I hope the whole world read this, and know there’re still places where they look down on women, torture her mentally, and make her believe she’s nothing!

But it’s not true, you’re who you are! no one ever has the right to tell you what to do or look down no you, so keep running and don’t look back..

And that’s what I will try to do it too.