Thank you for sharing. For those of us who never had functioning parent(s), this is how we feel to hear your story of a good one that was ever alive in the first place. The chaos and fear and need of survival you went through when you lost one as an adult was what we had to cope with and survive as small children, when we were physically and psychologically dependent upon one. Try to imagine the developmental effects of that. This survival mechanism in a child who is given insurmountable hurdles of neglect or abuse is what gives rise to a fractured self and personality disorders. Narcissism, borderline, sociopathy, etc with their protective mechanisms of the ego of depression or anxiety, all center around a void in the self. Then, adult relationships often replay these mappings that lead to intense regression at their inevitable loss. (Even suicide, which in the case of men is tragically and silently skyrocketing to 4x as frequent as women). Your loss had a “foundation” or “safety net” of how to take care of your ‘self’ — reaching out for help from other healthy people, being open to bonding, etc all are missing in our case. That was the real gift your father left you — a proper foundation of self in your psyche. You are a very lucky person. The rest, as far as I’m concerned, is gravy.
Your father’s letter and ones like it make me cry because I didn’t even know until very recently that this is what a parent looks like. On the contrary, I was forced to mirror my parent’s abusive states, moods, emptiness, and praise her for it. My mother sent me emails too but they were about how I owe her for being born, calling me hurtful names, telling me on my birthday that it’s not all about me and I need to celebrate it the way she wants, announcing my hard fought successes were because of her, undermining my happiness when I would find love (I remember announcing to her I finally found a soulmate to which she literally replied “It’s not going to work out”), and other attitudes that, in her case, she frequently encapsulated in a ‘feminist’ framework to support her narcissism and obsession with herself. (In other words, justifying behavior that hurts others as ‘empowering’ rather than just plain shitty, and raising my hand that I am being hurt and would she please stop would get being called a ‘misogynist’ for telling her what to do, etc.). Of course, she has high standings in the community and is very charming, but I’ve since cut her out for my own health and safety, having to “kill” my own parent in my life which is an incredibly difficult and strong act for an adult child to do to their parent even when abusive, because you still lose the parent relationship. She’s gone. But also having to realize I’ve never had one in the first place, and somehow I’m still here! (which is actually, properly ‘empowering’ because its about my real self shining out to the world rather than drawing energy into it like a black hole).
Sorry to just talk about myself but I thought I would share. Your story makes me immensely jealous. I’d give anything for your “loss” because it means you had something to begin with. For those of us who didn’t, stand strong and there is help out there to get to know your real self. Only the false self is what needs to die and there actually is unconditional love waiting for you on the other side. It will never be able to take the form of a parental figure, but it is there for you on a larger level if you learn to connect with it. Best,
