Skirting the Locker Room

Donald Trump says a lot of horrible things. At the top of the heap — for now, anyway — is the hot mic heard around the world from which the Donald grabbed all kinds of criticism for his deplorable statements about women. Instead of apologizing for being caught bragging about his sexually predatory behavior, making lewd comments about co-workers’ bodies, and sexually objectifying a female colleague while being recorded on an Access Hollywood shoot, Donald Trump passed it off as “locker-room talk.” Like it is no big deal; something that happens every day.

Half of that statement is true. It is something that happens every day. But it is a big deal; and like the Access Hollywood taping, it did not occur in a locker room but in a place of business.

Tic Tacs or not, women receive unwelcome kisses, touches, comments about their bodies, their clothes, and their weight from the men they work alongside. And you won’t read about it in the Washington Post.

It’s not because it’s unimportant, or that people are apathetic about it. The real story is that it’s difficult for women to be successful in their careers without smartly skirting the casual sexual harassment that exists everywhere. I would not be a VP in Silicon Valley today had I not learned how to graciously maneuver through sexual harassment.

Here’s the ugly truth: you don’t gain influence by hanging out with HR. You gain influence by winning the trust, admiration, and respect of your superiors, who are, almost always, men.

Let me be clear: I have never been attacked, threatened, raped, cornered, or beaten by someone I work with. That’s not the kind of behavior I’m talking about. And anyone experiencing that should go straight to the police, HR, or their boss. I’m also not talking about being sexually propositioned, which is especially reprehensible coming from a superior.

I’m talking about the things I — and so many others — have encountered regularly, and that are commonly tolerated while on the job, specifically:

· being kissed (including the common excuse, “We’re in Europe now!”)

· having to remove a hand from my thigh, arm, back, or ass

· declining the offer to sit on my boss’s lap in a crowded car.

· being asked by my boss’s boss to “take one for the team” and have dinner with an exec at a partner company who had expressed interest in me.

· receiving flirtatious texts and calls at all hours from this exec, because my boss’s boss gave him my cell number without my consent.

· being called, “beautiful,” “hot,” “sexy,” etc. by a client, superior, or colleague.

If reported, any of these behaviors would be significant HR violations at any of the companies I’ve worked for; and in some cases, maybe even grounds for termination. But if I were to report them, I might as well be the one with a demotion. If people are worried you’ll sue them, they’ll limit their exposure to you. Client teams can be reassigned as can your seat at the table. It’s a fine line we have to walk.

HR policies can’t change cultures overnight. The culture of men’s and women’s relationships throughout most of human history have been based on mating, dating, and child-rearing. Women as co-workers is, in the grand scheme of things, new. There’s a whole system that needs to be broken down and habits have to change.

I used to think that to be in the Boys Club, I had to prove I could be one of them. Stay out late, drink on expense accounts, know the best strip clubs. All while producing phenomenal results while being thin and attractive; a Trump 10. My boundaries were all over the place and I was undermining myself at every turn.

Sometimes I feel like a sell-out — that I should take a more radical approach to the problem, like the idealist in me would. But when I sat down to formulate my philosophy on leadership, or when young women come to me with their own experiences with misogyny, I realized that screaming, fighting, suing, and filing complaints will never be as effective as working within the system, one-on-one, from a place of confidence and authenticity. Assertively and graciously flagging and modifying unacceptable behaviors, comments, and attitudes to the offender as they happen can change the sexist dynamics at our workplaces.

The toughest situations often arise when socializing with co-workers, when lines get blurred (often with the help of alcohol). But there is a simple way to draw those lines, in big permanent marker.

If we’re not working, we are pals. Pals can go out to dinner, have some drinks, catch a show, smoke cigars, whatever — usually as a group. And pals don’t get handsy with each other, we don’t sit on each other’s laps, we don’t put each other in awkward situations where someone might lose their self-respect or get hurt. And as work pals, we don’t go to strip clubs on business trips. It’s weird for everyone and is bound to generate unflattering gossip, regardless of if it’s just dudes or mixed company.

It’s not fair that we have to do this. It’s not right that women encounter everyday sexual harassment with the frequency we do. But unless we make ourselves the change agent within the system, we will remain on the outside, earning a fraction of the wages and an even smaller fraction of the influence.