I’ve always known that I wasn’t the most pretty or attractive girl. But I never thought that I was ugly. I mean I knew there were parts of my body that I wouldn’t mind changing; thinner legs, smaller face, toner body, the typical stuff. But never at one point did it even occur to me that perhaps, people might view me as unattractive, grotesque, ugly.
Recently people around me have gotten me to start thinking about boys. Many of my friends are getting into relationships, and even my own mom has suddenly given me “permission to start dating”, as if that was what was holding me back. I haven’t liked a guy since tenth grade, nor has a guy liked me since then either. I’ve always thought that boys didn’t like me because I acted too much like a boy — built like one, dressed like one, sounds like one. But I figured, that’s my own personal decision. I can change if I wanted to! I can go work out, dress nice, wear more make up, and suddenly I’ll be able to get a lot of guys. It’ll just happen when I want it to, it’s up to my own discretion. But never would I have thought that boys don’t like me because they don’t find me attractive, in fact they find me repulsive.
Today a friend messaged me asking if I knew this male that went to his high school. I did not. I was curious to know why he asked, maybe the guy was talking about me, maybe a secret admirer?? That was my first thought. Guess you could say I’m quite an optimistic person. But then my friend sent over a screen shot of a chat. It was a large group chat from first year, full of students in the same program. In the recent messages of the chat was a photo of my face — a screen shot of a very derpy and unattractive snapchat of me from last year.
I was surprised at first, laughed it off a little as I figured that I was just being roasted again. The usual banter I have with all my friends. But then I realized, I don’t know this guy, yet he was sending an ugly screenshot of my face to a facebook chat. What else could that mean.
I hate getting into conflicts and getting on people’s bad side, so I’m usually not the subject of gossip or a target for slander. But seeing the screenshot of that chat hit me pretty hard. I’ve always been pretty self conscious about how I look just based on my own standards of beauty. But that chat just completely made my self esteem plummet. To find out that other people also see the ugly in me. People can be mean and people will be mean.
I’ve wanted to change how I look for a long time, especially since I gained weight in the past few years. But I’ve never really pushed myself to actually make a change, perhaps because half of my really didn’t want to believe that I was actually that unattractive. I guess I’ve always been a little too optimistic and hopeful that someone will appreciate me for who I am inside. I mean I’d like to think my snazzy personality makes up for this less attractive outer appearance. But evidently people are shallow, and pretty people will always win in this world. Why do people’s ugly words always manage to undermine our self confidence. If only mean people were ugly inside and out, that’d make things a little more fair.
I really didn’t know what to do in this situation today. I was mad and I was sad and I wanted to confront the guy so badly. I wanted to tell him to shove his ugly opinion back up his butt where it belongs. Scream the ugliest words I can think of to his face. Tell him that his words don’t hurt me, that I don’t care about some random strangers opinion, and that he’s a pathetic excuse of a person. But it did hurt me, though it shouldn’t have. Besides, what good would confronting him have done. Simply makes him think that that ugly girl turns out to be an angry bitch too. It’s a lose lose situation. Why can’t ugly people ever win.
I’m friends with a lot of attractive people. It’s weird being surrounded by beautiful human beings — makes you think that maybe you’re ok looking too. I mean you must be at least decently attractive, why else would they hang out with you, right? Wrong. Don’t gas yourself honey, you’re still the ugly duckling.
- DUFF signing off.