How to be good

A complete guide to becoming a half decent human being.

Stop talking about people as soon as they walk away

This is something that I have observed in my (really sad) school days, at college, at work, there is just no growing up from this, is it?

There are a bunch people standing in a group and as soon as one person walks away even just to buy a drink, at least one of the members of the group (you can lie to yourself but not to god and big brother, you know who you are) will take it as their moral duty to talk about the person who has walked away, and that too not in a very good way.

I mean I get it that being bitchy is your second nature but couldn’t you wait for just a few hours, go home, and then call the other members of your satanic club to talk about that person.

What if he or she accidentally hears you while walking away, do you even know how will they feel and how will it affect that person?

It ruins you as a person and makes you want to stay in the bathroom or the soda counter and never come back, and sometimes even if you want to pee you hold it in and not walk away from the group because you can’t risk being spoken about, again (true story), in case you were wondering how it affects (affected) the other person(me).

Stop being friendly to somebody only to call that person annoying as soon as he or she leaves the room

I was with a friend, let’s call him the charmer (that’s because his ability to win over people is second only to Jennifer Lawrence), he has the tendency to talk to everybody like he really loves them and to make them believe that he is their best friend and has their best interests at heart (which he does not).

So, recently Mc.Charming met this boy at a club (I was there too, introverting it out) and he spoke to said boy for not less than twenty minutes and as soon as the boy left, my friend turned to me and said, I quote, “Kya pakka raha tha? (He was annoying, naah?)

Firstly the fact that he wanted me to agree with his totally unfounded and hasty judgement about this other person who I hardly knew, pissed me off (I can’t get myself to judge somebody I just met, what if they have secret super powers, why would I want to bitch about Batman?) and secondly I just couldn’t understand why did he talk to that person for twenty minutes if he was getting annoyed and bored? That too with a dazzling smile and the eagerness of a beaver.

When I put this question to my friend, he said I quote, “I dint want him to feel bad.”

Dear Reader, tell me, who is worse?

The people who talk to you nicely to your face and then completely put you down later or those who don’t talk to you unless they really like you, at the same time whoever or whatever you are doesn’t really matter to them.

Honestly, I’d rather be disliked/ignored by a cynic, than be under an illusion of being liked by a charmer.

As for our male Jen-Law, he thinks its better to be well liked than to be truly loved. All I can say his god save him from the likes of himself.

Stop calling every woman you meet a slut/bitch and every man a loser

If I had a penny for every time some person was labelled a chutiya (a highly derogatory hindi language cuss word, that is used as a substitute for loser), for absolutely no reason, I wouldn’t be writing this blog because I would be fuck rich (and therefore be holidaying in Miami/Nantucket, or wherever it is that the rich people go to holiday nowadays).

Somebody laughs too loudly, branded loser, somebody talks too much branded loser; somebody talks sense and still he (or she) will be branded a loser by using extremely fuck logic statements like “arrey waise he is smart, par chutiya hain (He is smart but too dorky!)”.

Firstly who appointed you the king of cool people? No, tell me, so that I can a file a writ of mandamus against that person to correct his abuse of discretion. And secondly, do you realise that calling somebody the c-word is akin to activating Newton’s Third Law of Motion; for every person you call a chutiya (loser), there is another person who calls you a chutiya (loser), and in your case, I am pretty sure, there are two, so please could you not judge other people, please okay, thanks.

Read the entire thing again in context of calling a girl a slut or a bitch.

Stop snubbing you snubbers

Sometimes I feel like people around me go home, look into the mirror and ask, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the wittiest of them all” and the mirror says, “You really think it’s you,LOL!

This is how most conversations that I witness take place, I live in a snub culture where it’s important to have a good comeback but not so important to have decent compassion.

Why is it so important to out smart each other? Why can’t we have a five minute conversation with our friends, without somebody burning (insulting) somebody else for a seemingly innocent comment or a delightfully weird character trait.

Could we please stop constantly behaving as if we were practicing for the auditions of Whose Line is It Anyway and have real conversations.

Note to self: Get new friends

Stop texting people when they are in the same room as you, specially to talk about somebody sitting right across from you

Arghh! This one is so disgusting that I cannot type without first going and screaming into my pillow (anger management is not my strong suit).

Firstly your face is really expressive, we are talking about Govinda (or Jim Carrey) high on two bottles of rum, expressive, so you are not really doing a very good job at hiding that you are texting the person sitting right next to you (stop constantly giggling you geniuses).

Also, your whole strategy of smartly putting the phone down if somebody passes by and then picking it up again is not half as subtle (or smart) as you think it is.

The person you are talking about is already feeling highly uncomfortable with all of your bad vibes, so you know what, might as well just say it out aloud, “You see that jacket she is wearing, so ugly right?”.

(Another true story)

Stop creating separate WhatsApp groups to talk about people on existing groups

Read above point and apply it digitally.

The hint over here is co-ordinated replies or too much time elapsing from not replying but being online at the same time.

Also, I can almost feel the flash on my face from your screenshots you hoe.

Stop cracking inside jokes in front of a third person who doesn’t know shit about what you’re talking about

This one should be banned by law.

And with this there should also be a fatwa against any:

  1. Two people who discuss their school/college memories in front of you, when you were not in the same school/college as them.
  2. Any couple (romantic or otherwise) who say incoherent things and then laugh, because they have a secret language that they learned while transferring saliva and now only they both can understand what they are saying, so they keep laughing at their, “you know what I mean, wink, wink” type naughty jokes, when you have really no idea what they mean (Pro-tip: If you want to keep your innocence and sanity alive, don’t even ask).
  3. Two people who discuss any sport which you don’t follow (which includes every sport that ever existed except for Quidditch).
  4. Two people who discuss their wedding plans.
  5. Two people who discuss a party, which you are not invited to.
  6. Two people who discuss a party, that you did not go to.
  7. Two people who discuss a party, where every kind of ass-fuckery happened but you dint go.
  8. Two people discussing any topic in which you have either zero involvement or zero interest (and still you are forcefully being subjected to witness their conversation).

If you are are the discusser of any of the above please go get a room or something.

Stop saying I won’t tell anybody and then go and announce it to the entire state of Maharashtra

This is so obvious that if you need a logical explanation so that you can follow it, you need medical help. Here:

Please be good, you owe it not only to humanity but also to your future generations, unless you want to raise bullies just like you.

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(Sorry about that, post completion happiness)

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