My life is an extension of the Murphy’s Law

Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Surabhi’s Life: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and I will be responsible for it or blamed for it.

If there is a race for being careless, I would come last because I forgot to pay attention when the whistle blew.

Also, I have the motor skills of a drunk puppy, with a tendency to push and drop things almost everywhere. No matter what I do or where I go, something or someone ends up being hurt or injured (usually it’s physical but there have been instances of emotional injury too).

And I have the superpower of making things disappear, one minute it’s with me, the car keys, the mobile phone, the expensive sunglasses that my (NRI) Aunty gave me as a gift (If you are reading aunty, kem chho, majama? I love you and I miss you but I know those were from Walmart), and in the next second it’s all gone.

My mother thinks I have a lethargic approach towards things. Honestly, I don’t know who teaches her these english words that can be used against me, considering how she doesn’t know how to spell gym, I am tired of telling her jim (Morrison) is her future son in law reborn again with the sole purpose of making me his bride and not the place I go to exercise.

I have to shamefully admit to my tendency to lose almost anything that is detachable from my body and is lying loose in my hands, it has caused so much loss to my family/friends/relatives/that man who asked me to watch over his umbrella, that even if I sell double the amount of copies of my book, then what J.K. Rowling did, I still wouldn’t be able to pay for the damages.

You would think my ability to cause destruction to the world and myself would end at misplacing and breaking things/hearts, but nope, there is also the ability to being the world’s worst formal emailer, saying the wrong stuff in front of the wrong people, laughing too hard and choking over water and spitting it out on people, wardrobe malfunctions, public tripping-s etc.

In the memory of being an absolutely disoriented person for 25 years, I am going to relive some of my best fuckole moments:

World’s worst work emailer

During my law school days (yes, back in the dark ages I thought I was fit to be a lawyer), I did several internships which entailed me to send a lot (a lot, a loot, a looot) of formal emails. And I ended up making one inadvertent mistake or the other in almost every email, which is how I learned the word inadvertent, in the first place.

So once I had to email my superior a very well drafted MOA for an important client, which I did, after working on it for eight hours and struggling very hard for fifteen minutes to type an email to go along with it, just to make sure it doesn’t look like a WhatsApp message; seriously why can’t we send, as discussed, in every email, why do I have to explain to my boss what’s attached in the email when he spent an hour explaining to me what I am supposed to attach in the first place, immense waste of mental energy if you ask me.

Anyway so, I have send out the email and in celebration of finishing my work on time, I sit and watch cat videos on my phone for half an hour. Just then, when I am in the middle of funny cats and kittens mewing compilation (2014), I see my superior hovering over me. He’s looking at me like I stole his lunchbox on the day that his mother packed lasagna instead of methi-lehsun ki sabzi (Indian curry).

I look at him all confused and sorry.

“You were supposed to send me the MOA an hour ago?”, he says while staring really hard at my phone, hoping to blast the YouTube app with his x-ray vision.

“I did”, I reply confidently.

“Check, what have you send.”, he asks in the most mom-ish tone ever.

Also, hate it when people do this, just tell me my mistake instead of making me self introspect.

I realised that I had forgotten to attach the file.

Looking really ashamed I email the file again and sit there cursing my existence and blaming my phone for all my mistakes, I yank it away from the charger, no food for you, you a-hole.

He comes back, this time I am hoping he praises me for my hard work and we laugh at that silly little mistake that happened earlier like best friends or mentor and student who have now formed an informal bond that surpasses family (Basically, I am his Karate Kid and he is my Mr. Han), but what really happens is he almost Karate Chops my head and says, no attachment again.

I look up and as say sorry like a chant, a million times with great devotion and as I am fumbling with my Outlook (I crumble under pressure), he pushes me aside (bruce lee style), stares really hard at my computer screen and emails himself the file, no subject, no body, only attachments.

I feel angry at the barren email he send himself, because if only I had the liberty to send the file without an ass-kissy description of what’s it about, I would probably have remembered to send that attachment.

Copy pasting poo-poo

I have been emailing people pieces of my writing hoping I get some work and just like any rational and phoney employee, I copy paste the same enthusiastic cover letter to each organisation that I send my writing to.

This one time, I emailed my articles to the editor of one very famous blog, rhymes with guzzreed and while emailing the same cover letter to it’s Indian version, I forgot to change the name of the very popular editor of the first blog.

It dint take the second blog’s team even two seconds to reply and mock me about my mistake (which I totally deserve), I felt really stupid, so to save my face I send another email full of false bravado saying that “the cover letter may be copy paste, my writing is not, please hire me!”

Obviously I haven’t heard back from either of the two places.

Is The Huffington Post India listening?

From Making it to Made it

Romantic ball dance turned into an awkward fall

I was with my recent love interest and we were doing fun things at my place and he attempted to pull me in a spontaneous ball dance, and I tripped on the edge of the bed and fell during the first twirl. That was the last of his attempt to do anything romantic with me and last of mine to ever expect anything from him.

Cracking unfunny jokes

Whenever I am in any social setting, I crack really unfunny jokes (they are funny to me, I don’t know what’s wrong with other people). My jokes are often (always) received with stark silence and awkward stares, but I laugh, in fact I make myself laugh for 30 seconds after after I crack a joke, just to cover up the awkward silence and hope (pray) that my laughter is so contagious it catches on (but it doesn’t).

Saying things that cause major offence

It is the working Monday, after Good Friday and I am interning at an office full of catholic people, I want to fit in, so during lunch break, I say, “wow! awesome day today, finally your old man gets to leave the cave”, they all look at me like I just told them I support Donald Trump.

Anyway after lunch, I get an email from a very kind colleague, subject: Difference between Easter and Good Friday.

I look angrily at the ceiling and curse Ganesh for making me like this.

All hail Surabhi, the destroyer of cars!

At 18, when I got my driver’s license, it was a momentous day, as a very excited, confident and extremely chubby teenager, I decided it was time for me to hit the road, I ended up hitting a couple of cars and came home with a sad face and a red side mirror of somebody’s brand new Honda City.

Honestly, if you park your car next to mine, you asked for the dent.

Due to paucity of time and severe finger laziness, I am going to quickly list all the other mortifying events of my life:

1. Losing two mobile phones in two different cabs.
2. Laughing way too loudly while eating and spitting food out on others.
3. Accidentally spitting while talking to the cute guy who may be falling in love with my quirky personality (nothing happened after that).
4. Sweating a lot, in parts where there should be no water stains. I have several wedding photos with boob patches, may start a new trend, ya?no? okay.
5. Realising I am wearing torn sweat pants at the gym, while stretching in front of two bulging men (who may have dropped their weights and hurt themselves, “I am sorry!”).
6. Wearing a shirt inside out (not on purpose) and going to a party thinking I am looking rad (on purpose)!
7. Leaving my scooters keys in the vehicle (multiple times) to make any kind of thievery very convenient.
8. Asking my friend about her annoying boss in front of the annoying boss (These people get promoted real fast, he looked so young!).

Okay now, I got to go because my brother has lost his earphones, I swear I had them in my hand just a minute ago.

FML

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To learn more about all the weird happenings of my life, please follow.

Also, you can check out these other posts that I have written:

10 Lessons from 10 days of Vipassana

Autobiography of a sleepy looking person