To be a self-centred Indian Woman

Dear Readers,
If I were to be wearing rose coloured glasses I would lie to you and tell you there is complete gender equality in my country but that’s far from the truth, far far from the truth. I am not going to go into the details of how unfair everything is for women in India. I am only here to talk about my personal experience. The story of the life of one sad and selfish Indian woman.
I am not a very family centric person, I prefer to eat my meals in silence alone or while watching television rather than sit with a big group of people (family) and discuss what happened in my day. And no matter how much Sooraj Barjatya movies try to tell me that families that eat together and pray together, stay together (actual dialogue from Hum Saath Saath Hain, not kidding!) I dread that time of the day, 8 pm when everybody’s at home and I will be called out of my room and be subjected to less than voluntary family bonding time.
Apart from this, I prefer to spend my weekends either reading, going out for a stroll or meeting my friends and partying. I cannot even count the number of time I am berated for not giving enough time to my family. I have been told quite often that I am not a very good person/daughter for being what is essentially an introvert, who enjoys her own company. And this has made me start feeling guilty for being such a self-centred person.
And it’s just not my immediate family members but even my extended family tells me (it’s India everybody has an opinion about my personal life), if I stay like this;
if I don’t talk about my day to the people (who I don’t really feel connected to) or;
if I continue to not answer calls from relatives (who I don’t feel like gossiping with) or;
if I continue to avoid social functions (where I feel extremely out of place);
then my life is going to be difficult and my marriage an absolute impossibility.
Both of these consequences have scared me a lot.
So I decided to approach The Committee of Wise Indian Ladies (long for CWIL), to teach me how to become a better Indian woman. They are all middle aged women who have been happily married (questionable!) for more than twenty years now.
I specifically asked them that what it is that I can do to make sure my life doesn’t end up difficult and my wedding does happen.
Their service is extremely quick, giving free advice is their forte and they work relentlessly (a bit too relentless if you ask me). I enter their committee room, it looks like a church except it’s a wedding hall where instead of christ, there are photos of all happily married couples on the wall and the alter leads to a mandap where good indian girls are initiated by marriage to good indian boy into The Committee of Wise Indian Ladies.
Me : Oh members of the C-WIL please teach me how to be civil — teach me how to be the good Indian girl.
All Members in chorus: Sada suhagan raho (may you always stay married).
Member 1: You have come to the right place beta (my child), your first lesson is you should be nice to everyone, even the people you don’t care about because you never know who might spread some gossip about you.
Member 2: Also, you should ask people who you don’t really care about, like distant relatives, how they are doing in life when you go to social functions so that they don’t judge you and call you rude and arrogant later.
Me: Ummm but it isn’t it better if I don’t go to functions or events where people are going to judge me and say mean things about me in the first place.
Member 3: No no beta, then they will judge you for acting like you are too big for your boots or too good for them, aisa nai hota (you can’t do that), you have to go.
Member 4: So when you go these functions you alway smile and be polite to everybody, that way when the neighbour’s daughter enters the function and she behaves badly all of their focus shifts on her and she is judged and talked about. You are off the hook beta.
Me: But that means how I feel about myself and my happiness is dependent on other people.
Yes! All the Ladies of CWIL shout in delight.
Member 1: Finally you are understanding what we are saying.
Me (looking confused): But you said your training will ensure I have a happy marriage, if I am dependent on other people to make me happy, how will I have a happy married life, wouldn’t I be dependent on my husband to make my happy too?
Member 2: Tssk! What are you talking, if you make your family happy, even your husband will be happy.
Yes, Yes, scream all ladies in unison!
Me: So basically instead of enjoying my meal in silence you want me to always want somebody to eat with so that when my husband is not home on time to eat someday I call and scold him, and give him a mindful about being subjected to the torture of eating alone.
Member 3: Yes! That’s right, wow so fast you learned everything, I am proud of you beta!
Me (feeling exasperated): And I should spend my weekends doing what I don’t love and what my family loves so that I can spend the entire time sitting and cribbing about how uncomfortable I am at that event and I constantly berate and abuse my husband (or family members) for taking me there.
Member 2 (almost crying): Oh, my god she’s grown up so much, she was just a child when we met her.
Me (ready to kill myself): No wait! You mean you want me to call every relative that I have and ask them about their day and when they tell me things that don’t matter to me, I finish the conversation, keep the phone down and then sit and gossip about them for hours because I am so frustrated with that person.
Member (hugs me tight): You are now a lady.
Me: You know what, fuck you all.
(And they gossiped about me, heavily, ever after)
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