I’m done being your back burner friend.
If you haven’t read my first story called I’m Your Friend Not Your Mother , please do so before continuing on with this post because it ties into this.
God works in mysterious ways. The Spring semester of my junior year has shown me that if your the only one putting in an effort to make a friendship work it’s probably time to end it. If you are getting tired of the excuses from this one and that one , the friendship is over. If you’re like me and your done always being the one who sends a text first, always the one who checks-in on other’s but doesn’t get the same courtesy, congratulations you’ve grown from the person you were when you met your friend’s. You know how to accept change. You know how to be friend. You were properly socialized as a child. You know how to admit that you have issues and that you need help. You were taught how to be a decent human being. You can admit you may need professional help. You can’t place yourself in the categories of : Needy, Clingy, Lost, or Unloved. You know how to be happy for someone else despite your own situation. You don’t look for your friend’s to be your parent. You expect that in a friendship, you should get back the same energy that you put in. Or at least expect to.
Per the title of this post, a “back burner friend” is a person who has been placed on the sideline’s of a friend group based on the level of need of that person compared to the others in the group. This is the person you call or need when it’s convenient for you. The friend you think about but don’t check on. The friend you have placed in the background.
How can I make all of these assumptions, you may ask well because I’ve become that friend. I didn’t meet the needs of one friend and recently two of my close friends have become almost non-existent in my life. The people who I’ve expressed my feelings to all say that they are valid. When confronting the people I feel these things towards have been met with radio silence via text message. I’ve learned being a “back burner friend” is very isolating and lonely. At one point I blamed myself and then I realized that it wasn’t me not trying it was them not trying. I’m done waiting around for a text back. If you don’t want to be my friend please tell me to my face so I can delete your number. I don’t have time for people who don’t have time for me. If you realized that at some point I didn’t have a place in your world anymore a simple “Hey, listen you don’t give me the attention and validation I crave. I don’t wanna be your friend anymore.” would’ve been simpler than socially isolating me.
I’m done with these “friends” I have in my orbit. They have turned into acquaintances. It hurts when you realize that your the “tag in a meme friend” and not the “Let’s have brunch” friend. It sucks to come to the realization that you may have been pushed away because you have something that they want.
What do I mean by this ? I grew up with loving parents, they made sacrifices for me to have things and have new experiences. My friends don’t have that. They either have one parent , parents who don’t get along or divorced parents. Their parents are not great support systems. They basically come from broken homes. In reality, my parents can’t stand each other but their together and I have a lot of cousins I could call on as a support system day or night. I have friends from high school I can count on more than the one’s in close proximity. My friends mentioned in this post and the previous one that I’ve made in college don’t have that family support system. That’s where the problem comes in at. My friends see the fact that I have my parents and other people in my life that I can call on and they also see that a mutual friend of ours, Allison is truly the only one who hasn’t strayed from God and hasn’t lost her marbles on how to be a friend and although her parents are separated they still come together to support her and her younger brother.
In all of my years as a new adult , I have never encountered more insecure and toxic people. I have seen friendships fall apart through my cousins but this is another level of toxicity and stunted life growth. I know that everyone processes grief and the curve balls of life and living differently but at some point growth and change is optimal for survival. As for being the back burner friend I refuse to be in that position ever again. I’m too mature to have to wait for you to catch up and grow up. I don’t regret confronting my friends about the way I have been treated lately. What I do regret is that I didn’t create a life separate from them because that is exactly what they did to me.
