My personal loyalty grant money of $7,000 is waiting at CVS

“Hello, this is… Susan…Speer? This is Jeremy with United States Federal Government, and I’m calling you today to inform you that you are eligible to receive a $7,000 grant from United States Federal Government.”

“Uh huh…”

“This grant is because of United States Federal Government demographics survey of students who pay their bills on time. This is personal loyalty grant money, and you do not have to pay it back. All you have to do, is…you must speak with our Accounts Department, and tell them how you would like to receive your personal loyalty grant of $7,000. You can receive it by mail, or you can receive it from Walgreens, CVS or Dollar General. How would you like to receive your $7,000 in personal loyalty grant money?”

“How do I do this? I just go to CVS and they’ll give me $7,000?”

“Well, yes, but first you must call the Accounts Department, and I will give you your confirmation number that you must give to them. Then the Accounts Department will make the money transfer, and you can go to CVS and receive your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money, OK?”


“OK. So, I will now give you the confirmation number. Please have a pen and paper handy, as I am about to give you this information.”

“I’m ready.” (OMGGGG LOL I’m so ready to get FREE MONEY!!!)

“OK. Your personal confirmation number to receive your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money is N… N…as in Nancy… H… like hotel… one, zero, six. Do you have that? NH106?”


“OK. Now I will give you the phone number to call Accounts Department directly. You must give them this confirmation number and they will then authorize the transaction so that you may pick up your your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money from CVS. Are you ready for me to give you the telephone number?”


“OK. The number is two, zero, six…206…two oh nine, one, six, one nine. 209–1619. Can you repeat that number back to me please?”

“206–209–1619.” (Because I’m gonna call you back to troll you)

“Yes. That is correct. Now. You may call this telephone number and the line may be busy. You can just keep calling back until it is not busy, but I will give you a second number that you may call. That number is two zero two…”


“Yes. 202…656–9603. You got that?”

“Yes. I’ve got that.”

“Now all you need to do is call those numbers and you will receive your instructions to have your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money transferred so that you may pick it up at CVS. And remember. This is a grant and you are not required to pay it back for any reason, OK?”


Now, I need to confirm with you that we have your correct information. Can you confirm this for me? You are Susan Speer and you live in Texas? Your zip code is (redacted), and your street address is (redacted)?”

“How did you get my personal information?”

“Well, we have it because it is the US Federal Government.”

“Oh. OK. That makes total sense. You’re the government.”

“Now that we have your information confirmed, please call these numbers so that you can pick up your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money at CVS.”

“OK. I’ll call. Right away.”

Yes. Please. It is very important that you call right away. You want to get your $7,000 personal loyalty grant money as quickly as possible, so you must call.”

“OK. Bye.”

© Susan Sheffloe Speer, 2016

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