To: White House Correspondents’ Association

Re: White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Dear White House Correspondents. You had a lot of trouble with your last speaker, so I am proposing a new speech that’s mostly been heard before.

Hello everyone. First, “Any Hispanics out there? Not so much.”(1)

Correspondents love leaks…

“Is everybody believing what is going on…James Comey can’t define what a leak is. He is either very sick or very dumb.”(2) (Wait for applause) “…a real nut job.”(3) (Wait for more applause).

There are some women here tonight working for the “fake”(4) news. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. But she’s got to be young and beautiful.”(5) But that Megyn Kelly, during President Trump’s debate with Crooked Hillary(6): “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”(7) And then there’s “low IQ Crazy Mika”(8)…Is she here tonight? Hope she isn’t still “bleeding badly from a face-lift!”(8)

We should say hello to the first lady, who as a birthday present got to hear the President do a call-in interview to Fox and Friends. Hey, the president is “very busy to be running out looking for presents, okay?”(9) We should also say hello to Ivanka “one of the great beauties of the world. 6 feet tall and she’s got the best body.”(10) Uh-oh, maybe we shouldn’t be talking about birthdays and Melania. After all, when a woman turns 35, “It’s called check-out time.”(11) So if you see a 10 year old, remember, you will be “dating her in 10 years.”(12)

Our country relies on the media — we would never have known about the terrible Bowling Green Massacre(13) without our reporters. Before we really got the fake news(14) we got alternative facts.(15) Thank goodness, because with facts we’d know the inauguration crowd for Trump was not the biggest ever. With our handy alternative facts we can rest easy knowing 2017: “…was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.”(16)

So glad we are here to celebrate the media. There’s Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd.(17) Now, some say that “sleepy eyes” is a racial slur on Jews. Snopes(18) says that’s only a mixed truth, and it depends on context. If someone calls you “sleepy eyes” and is known to be a racist and a xenophobe, hey, how’s that context doing? Because sometimes you have to look at both sides. Like when describing white nationalists. They can include “some very fine people.”(19)

Other fine people are our members of congress. We have Pocahontas(20), Flakey(21), Wacky Wilson(22), Lamb the Sham(23), Sneaky Dianne(24), Cryin’ Chuck(25) and many other fine people. And since we are here to celebrate the media let’s not forget Crazy Jim(26), Little George(27), and Dumb as a Rock Mika(28) Did anybody check that’s she’s not still bleeding from that facelift?

I need to wrap up now — Politifact is going to start charging me by the line and since my taxes are being audited I don’t know how much money I have. “Tax experts throughout the media agree that no sane person would give their tax returns during an audit(29). I could have billions — you’ll never know since I won’t release my taxes. So yes, I’m definitely a billionaire and didn’t get any money from shady money laundering(30) or Russians(31).

Thank you and good night. See you next year when you are all rounded up and enjoying the White House waaaay south, also known as Guantanamo Bay.

And Flint still doesn’t have clean water.(32)

Notes

1 Trump at Michigan rally 4.28.18

2 Trump on Twitter 4.27.18

3 Trump to Russia’s foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov in the Oval Office, 5.10.17

4 Trump, too many times to count

5 Trump in Esquire magazine, May 1991

6 Trump during most of the 2016 campaign

7 Trump speaking to Don Lemon, CNN 8.7.2015

8 Trump on Twitter 6.29.17

9 Trump on a call for Fox and Friends 4.26.18

10 Trump on the Howard Stern show 2003

11 Trump on Howard Stern in the mid-2000s

12 Trump on Entertainment Tonight 2005 as unearthed by CBS news

13 Bowling Green Massacre is not real — Kellyanne Conway made it up and cited it on three different occasions per the Washington Post 2.6.17

14 See number 4

15 Kellyanne Conway to Chuck Todd 1.22.17

16 Sean Spicer 1.21.17

17 Trump on Twitter 4.22.18

18 Snopes.com

19 Trump speaking about Charlottesville, Atlantic 8.15.17

20 Trump at an event honoring Native Americans, NBC News 11.27.17

21 Trump on Twitter 11.18.17

22 Trump on Twitter 10.22.2017

23 Trump at Pennsylvania rally 3.17.18

24 Trump on Twitter 1.10.18

25 Trump on Twitter 1.23.18

26 Trump on Twitter 2.13.18

27 Trump at Phoenix rally 8.22.17

28 Trump on Twitter 7.1.17

29 Trump on Twitter 2.27.16

30 The parent of Trump Taj Mahal, one of Atlantic City, New Jersey’s struggling casinos, has settled U.S. government charges that it violated federal laws designed to thwart money laundering, court filings show. Trump Taj Mahal agreed to the assessment of a $10 million civil penalty by the Treasury Department’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network, according to a proposed consent order filed on Tuesday with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Wilmington, Delaware. Reported by Reuters 2.11.15

31 We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia,” said the young Trump (Don Jr.) Washington Post 11.2.17

31 Michelle Wolf at the WHCD 4.28.18