Ben, I’m crying…I’m 52, my father is a Korean War combat vet and in his late 80’s. I didn’t understand as a little girl growing up why he was so hard and mean (I’m not talking about discipline with children). He was mean! Of course, I have had many years of therapy and feel at peace for a decision not to see him again. He is still cruel, secretive and mean.

I am sending this to the one brother of 4 siblings I have…he has daughters. He’s a good dad. Why only my one sibling? Because my father in his pride, mental illness (anxiety and PTSD-never diagnosed) is responsible for imploding our family and not being the example or remorseful for the things he did to me (I’m not sure about my one sister). But, none of us speak and most of us never will.

My father he ‘prided himself’ in pulling his own teeth out when they were lose; he ‘took care’ of my mother who had MS and did everything he could to keep her adult children away over the years. She died and as she was dying at the foot of her bed she said little, her mouth filled with thrush, her hair gone from chemo treatment my father insisted she have the chemo even though her immune system was compromised from MS and after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Though the tumors were contained and removed, he wouldn’t consider input from her adult children, all well educated and his wife’s children. He even insisted the doctor didn’t want us to be there with her. When my husband and daughter insisted I travel the distance I showed up unannounced. My father was clearly shocked and embarrassed and in his shame did a reverse turn, by saying “he misunderstood the doctors. As she lay dying in the bed he centered himself at the end of her bed with her family surrounding her and announced “you didn’t deserve me, I was such a schmuck”. She replied with pain and sarcasm, “you’re such a martyr”.

If only he could have had the insight and humility you describe…we all have our story. My families is complicated. You talk about the war and the inexplicable things you saw that most of us will never experience and can’t imagine. One therapist I had, ironically was a Korean combat vet who tried to help me understand why my father was the way he was at least in part from war.

I guess the way I read your message is from the vantage point of helping men who do or see bad things, understand that somehow when you bring children, especially daughters into this world how you treat them will lay the foundation for their choices later on. I’m okay, in fact I’m good. I don’t wish those experiences on anyone and for daughters who may have had similar stories to mine….find yourself, get help, be an example to your children (both daughters and sons), have courage to hear what this writer is saying, copy and carry his story in your pocket……thank you.