First day.

In a whim, just decided to delete Facebook, Messenger and Instagram. Would do Snapchat too but i don’t know how they’re data backup works, just in case it wipes out my contacts and etc once I delete the app.

Not too bad of a loss in a way.

First day. Of just trying to detox from the chatter around me. It’s been a trying season of my life. Coming out of a presidency that has its great joys and great celebrations but at the same time, one that had sucked all the energy from me, one that has left me feeling constantly indecisive, doubtful and scared. And mostly just tired. Because it was just constant giving and giving and dealing and handling and just no.. Or rare.. Receiving. It felt like both on a work level and personal life level, I was just constantly giving of myself and rarely receiving of support in kind. Where I’m always the one that is there for someone, or there to answer a question, deal with a situation or figure out damage control. But also the one that gets the shit thrown at first, that has to deal with the most difficult personalities and also have to be awake and on call 24/7 for any friend that needs a call or a shoulder or a listening ear or help or advice or just a punching bag to make themselves feel better about their lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a friend. I loved the work I got to do during my term, and I love being able to help people and be there. But now I just feel so worn out, burnt out and used up. And even now I’m being sucked dry, trying to flounder and waving for some help but not receiving any because we’re all too used to the dynamics of me being the one there and them not needing to do the same.

I’m just tired.

And hurt and confused and lost. A far cry from the strong sense of security I had in the previous post on who I am and what I have in God. Now i just feel spent and empty, with nothing left to offer or maybe I never had anything to offer in the first place. And I just feel constantly.. Beaten down. And dragged down whenever the up days come along.

It regressed me to the game of comparison, the toxic, unhealthy game of constantly feeling like it’s unfair, and that it’s tough. Because it does feel tough. And it is unfair. Having to fight to belong or to fit in or even to just not disappear into the shadows. And thinking that just makes it worse, adding to just a host of things that feels like it’s eroding my confidence and identity day by day.

So that’s why today is the first day. Of just shutting the chatter and all the toxic channels out of my life, at least just for a little while. Until I regain some consciousness again, some energy and some solid ground in my life once again. I think for right now, it just needs to be about me, and God and figuring out what the hell is going on.