Doubts and Hope in confusion times
I feel again a little bit of depression sneaking up in my body. Its like a nagging feeling of pain thats thrives in your muscles. Like an itchy feeling that makes your appearance become more and more un pleasant. Like a small troll that is controlling your inside and turning my soul into an empty hole in my heart. I don’t like the feeling cause I cant control it all. I don’t fear anymore but It also make me wonder if im totally reliant or not. I want to be on my own but still I miss the safe zone where my life is easy because its more predictable and more easy to steer. For once I actually found a place where I can relax and where people more and more seek my presence which is a feeling of belonging that Ive never felt before. I always been struggling to always have friends and now they all come to me, old as new. I have made a big cut in my group of friends and many of them I don’t want to see again after the summer in Amsterdam.
The new/old friends they support me in my decisions and they support my, a part manic side, that is super active and I can see a lot of them get energy by being close to me. I make plans and I follow them. I start up projects, and no I don’t finish them all. I have never before met this support and im very thankful for this new feeling of being loved. I don’t know whether I’ve changed or people are just stating to see the real me, not the other more selfish me.
The feeling of emptiness that I know feel is based on the trust Ive felt at home. I really started to see my life over there, a mix of Scandinavia. The deco work I want to continue and I want to create a whole world of deco, including self healing, the Papaver collective and all things that we have been doing already. Im scared Im on my way to get depressed again, but the deep of the sadness is not so strong and I have to remember I stayed up al night and I did experience some really weird stuff in Milan. Things like that always effects me a lot. Always seeking for explanation. i can never relax and I have the world as my playground at the moment. I want so much but I cant keep all my words and my actions they run out in the sand. I promise to much I cant keep up. I lose the track of time and my willing to create change is so strong that I lose myself in projects that doesn’t help me, rather the opposite. I crawl the dark a lot, but I have to keep the balance otherwise I loose myself. I cant keep all my words and this is hunting me now,I feel like a bad person, leaving undone behind. Ive promised myself, dont do it again. Only say things you know you will reach, otherwise i create hope among people that I later cant keep up- My main way of pushing things in to peoples life feels like im forcing people to change to much and then I disappear, not reachable. I know its not all my responsibility but I also know the importance of keeping a word.
Again I have the feeling of escaping reality and running away. I fuck up the last days because I cant take the responsibility anymore. I block totally and I choose the road of fucking up instead of finishing up the last things Ive promised to do. I tell myself its oaken and that you also need some space to fuck up, but I know its always like this. In the end I cat do it. I get bored or upset or something and I crave my space and freedom. I hide for a couple of days, not answering the phone, not facing people I don’t wanna hear any blaming from, I don’t answer no calls or check my phone. I dispappear from the ground.
Sometimes my multiple faced appearance turns it back on me, like a punishment for being to good. The other side of my brain is trying to take over and its like a war between the brain halves. Who’s is write and I loos the possibility to have power over intuition, there is o intuition at all actually, its just confussion. When I break the road of habits and musts, I loose the light and get lost in the dark. Crawling back in to light, almost to late, I get my shit together again and begin the new adventure. Im sorry for all people I hurt on my way, but hope my actions don’t really hurt anyone for real anymore. When I fear my apprentice I fear myself and I avoid the mirror that only reflects misery and self hate. Better to close the world for a while.
I dont longer see the small beautiful things, I leave myself in the arms of others. I HELP TO MUCH AND i LOOSE TRACK OF MY PATH…..
I know I make people belive but I also make people doubt. Im to much always, please understand I dont want you any bad, I just want to understand and help. I know Im to much, dont hate me.