The Schizophrenic society, or?

Chronic emptiness

Broken soul in Neverland to regain strenght. Atins, Brazil 2016

….and then I cried and cried. The lifeworld that surrounded me smashed in front of my feats. It was not a surprise but Ive never expected this respond. — There is no medication to help you for this mental illness. No shortcuts so a say. Mentality based emotion control therapy is the only solution. Therapy as in dedicate your life to become stabile and functional as a person. Away from dramatic rollercoaster living on a road to self destruction. I was prepared to change, still I feel down in a dark hole of self hate and thoughts about life failure. I need my time to understand the words that just came out of your mouth. Young woman showing inadequate intense rage and have problems to control aggressive impulsive behavior. Stress related paranoid mind with serious dissociative symptoms. Feels chronic emptiness and have problems to separate imaginative thoughts from reality. Instability within self identification. This person has difficulties to show emotion and empty for other people. 85% of the people with this diagnose do suicide in early ages. Emotion control is zero. You could be a danger for society.

Hiding in masks. Decorating your emotions. Picture: Me.

I was stunned and chocked and I can only remember drinking this horrible news away. In to the darkness of grief and hate, like the day tomorrow will never exist again. Never in my life I felt so disappointed. How did this happened? Why me? The reactions are always different and most people feels a relief when they get their diagnoses. Me no.

Unfortunately its all correct information and I recognize my life path through the criteria of my one of my diagnoses.. Its just a chock to get enlighten by the truth and the fact that its time to act for real. No more excuses and no more bullshit. My life has been my playground and I played it well. I do circulate in different dimensions and i sometimes don’t know when to stop and I get insecure that reality is really reality. Am I totally out of my mind? sometimes yes and I involve so many people in the hurricane of ideas and inspiration I get from the life. sometimes its positive and sometimes it is negative. But I affect people and I hurt many in my self destructive living. Many times I fucked up and may times I been forgiven. Now Im alone and I have to fight to feel really good. Its scary to leave the dark side behind but I cant play hide and seek with my heart anymore. Again an explosion of emotions that I don’t know how to handle at all. Sadness is like a black wave that smashes your face to the ground and that enters your mind and take over. My power is weak towards the dark mind. In early years I couldn’t do it. I should be happy to be alive.

I always felt misunderstand and I always had the feeling that people wants me to change or be less to much. This doubt against my personality created a warrior inside. Always prepared to fight. You made me an outsider and I defended my self with all I could

I quite all I had. I tried for a while to do all as I used to do. I was in my last year of university where I studied media- & communication studies. I also worked as market and communicate for a company who did beverage fairs. In the nights I worked extra as sommelier in a wine bar. The rest of my time was always dedicated to be the techno girl I am. Dancing the night away in colours. Drinking wine and travel. I had time to do all. When Therapy stated I continued as before and I crashed. The therapy was three times a week a two hours. To much to handle in an already stressful life.

I started to lie in all angels to try to keep together my busy schedule and surface. To give in to therapy was not an option in the beginning. Reality stroke like a flash from the sky. Its impossible to live like this. Same day I quite my both jobs. I fucked up the last paper to hand in to get my exam that year. Never had I felt so many emotions in the same time. Group therapy effects you a lot. When you really realize that you are not alone. We all had different stories but the emotions are the same. The way of react and act are the same. I could slowly identify myself with this people and I cried a lot during the sessions. Reality check. Its hard to hear others pain and its even more hard to realize that you are suffering in the same way as them. My mind opened up and In this group I did not have to lie anymore. Here I could share the most sick, fucked up and terrible stories and they looked at me and understood. In this room there was no shame and I could slowly develop trust for my own actions by starting to understand how my actions effect other people.

I felt like a monster that has been stabbing people in blindness. Empathy was not my strong side, cold as a stone with a shelter of metal. At one point I was sure I would kill someone one day with a gun and then just keep on walking. I hated the world and I never cared about any consequences of my behavior. In paranoia I started to wonder whether I was pure evil; the devil send to destroy peoples life. Most actions I did unconscious and my brain acted as it wanted. Never could I control the emotions storms that hit me many times per day. My brain contains the white side and the dark side. To find balance between the two has been a long and constant journey. Every day is a fight for me and I easy fall down in the darkness. There Im bored of life, I only want to get really drunk and escape reality and then feel really shit because I never remember anything. The pain I feel is helping me to feel stronger in a way I cant explain. I regain strength after really fucking up and my level of fucking up always escalate.

My white side is positive, has an enormous life spirit, feels empathy for all being and have ideas and thoughts about the future. In the dark side it does not exist a future.

To live on the edge of life and death all the time is craving for your mind and body. I always had one feet on one side of what society calls underground or criminals. For me life has been as a bloody battle where I during many years cut my self through the pain and demons. At 17 they told me I was an alcoholic and that I could die from the amount of alcohol I was consuming. For month I drank a bottle of vodka every day. Drank until I passed out, this could sometimes take days. My heart stopped twice in the emergency room in Cyprus. I celebrated with a ouzo.

Symbols are creating my days and separation fiction worlds from real society. The natural slut created by a society that hates to be provoked. My way of self expression has always irritated and upset people in my surroundings.

My break is to find the true answer and help to TOTAL self reliance by resolving the missing link which is damaged by my addiction. Is the borderline really me or are all the madness created by a society with no patience? Im not a hater nor a lover and all my texts are based on real talks and emotions regarding diagnoses and feeling like an outsider.

Alone and never alone.