Andrea N Carr
I am trying to be extraordinarily human.
I am taking care of my mother who is ill
but, I didn’t even like her as a person
Nor would I ever be caught dead at her house. I was done with her and had not spent more than an hour at a time, in her presence until recently. I had not even seen her in several years, at least ten probably more. I choose not to remember how long exactly. However, here we are together everyday. I can’t imagine the situation being reversed. I would not want her taking care of me not because it is her but because of the circumstances. Not anyone.
I bath her, and I make sure she eats and takes her insulin and vitamins etc. She is almost completely blind now with a hydrocephalus condition or water on her brain also. This causes dementia which has started to effect brain function. With memory loss and confusion along with her loss of eyesight from wide angle glaucoma. It’s a situation that is nothing nice.
I love her is why I am here but, I did not like her as a person. And in this short experience, so far, has changed every thing about me in ways I couldn’t imagine. I am learning to like her, I have no choice really. I have had to let go of my need to be right.
I felt at first why is it, I am being punished. I never got along with her so why call me to come home from Spain. I was gone and not planning to come back any time soon. I was feeling content with my life and fine with our estranged relationship, I thought. I was as close to happy as I have ever been.
I didn’t miss her ramblings about everything being wrong with her life. I didn’t need that negative energy in my life. “Come home” I said when my son called. I had just left only a month before to go and finish the sequel to my novel. Sign a contract after choosing a publishing company and be on my way to fulfillment of purpose.
I have reminded myself in this week that I have been back home. Happiness comes from within and it’s always there. I need to adjust my thinking and my problems adjust themselves. I am not immune to unwanted change. It’s temporary being here and Spain isn’t going anywhere. The universe feels I need to be here. Just go with it and find out why.
I learned from my mother more than anything else. The true meaning of love. In the end we all need support especially, if one has health problems. I found she missed me and enjoyed my company. I make her laugh and agree with her far more than I thought, I ever would. My son says, I am more like her than I know. “Let’s not push it” I said.
I have left the past exactly where it is located. I look forward to what the future holds. For the first time in my life, I accept her for who she is and not what I wish she would be. I don’t care what she is not or what she does anymore. Love has conquered all, I mean the love in my heart, for myself. I can truly move forward now with my life by helping her say goodbye to hers because, in the end it isn’t between she and I anyway.
It never has been.