PARENTING
Dear Perfection: Being a ‘Perfectionist Kid’ Feels Tough
And not being cared upon adds to the misery.
Ever came across the phrase “Fill in the blanks?” The majority, including myself, might raise our hands merrily in agreement. Whether during school, university, or life assessments in general, this task often pops up and rolls adventure in our lives. We scratched our heads endlessly for the answer that fills the blank. This fun-filling task created an ambiance of curiosity and enhanced our critical thinking. Let’s recreate playing the game again.
Complete this blank: “Before I send my resume to the potential employer and is ready to address the interview panel, I must ensure that things are ____.”
Your response might be “good” or “pleasant” or “great.”
But I guess the highest vote gets won by the word “perfect” that most of us might have completed the sentence with.
Perfection in humans remains deeply rooted since its origin. If not enough, other external influences ingrain perfection within us. People constantly babble about perfectionism and assign them superiority tags. These principal tags scream audacious goals achievable exclusively by the perfectionists.
The notion of perfection gives the impression of occupying the elite class and is often over-rated. In a true sense, perfection makes us feel distant, less connected and sometimes treat other subjects with untouchability vibes.
Recent studies have ascertained that the psychology of perfection is passably complex. In striving towards flawlessness, we tend to set a high benchmark for goals in life. The work bar is unrealistically high and added perfection indirectly hints at neglecting our shadow sides.
The wheel of perfection is embedded not only in the grown-ups, but kids today likewise crave perfection to a greater extent. In the real sense, kids obsessing over unhealthy perfection habits is heartbreaking.
The unwelcoming sides of perfection
Often we converse about the magnanimity of our dreams. Sometimes the conversation about the same is with self. Most time, external influences try outlining our paths. In regards to it, the few phrases that I commonly hear are, “Dream Big,” “Aim high,” “Think of the moon and stars,” and so on so forth.
But “In the hopes of reaching the moon,” said Albert Schweitzer, “humans often fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.”
In reaching our highest potentials, we jump over Perfection repeatedly. Even when we do not, the alien sources try their best effort to make sure that the thunder of Perfection isn’t forgotten. And now, even the young children are under the grips of Perfection. Both internal and external forces in combination try to bend the child towards Perfection.
At times, I feel Perfection is crazy. Because they approach life like — Humans have already made to the Mars. Now think beyond this. What if we make our way to Pluto? That’s a high-end goal worth seeking. Perfection grinds people of different generations to wear their perfectionist self. Beyond its scope, everything else is ordinary. These unhealthy attributes of Perfection are critically unwelcoming.
1. Perfectionist tendencies can impair learning.
Almost every parent hopes to witness their children advancing to their full potentials and climb the success ladder. While some kids desire continuous encouragement to perform better at schools, other overtly disciplined kids obsess themselves with perfection and beat themselves up if met with failure.
In a recent study of over 1000 children aged 8 to 11, researchers found that nearly 80% of the kids showed perfectionist tendencies — indicating that the impulse of striving towards excellence is pervasive in kids than we might ever have imagined. For kids who favor Perfectionism or who get miffed if things are not correct, bringing them back on track can be alarmingly tricky.
Although Perfectionism induces owing to exceptional standards yet it remains not viewed as a disadvantage by few parents. The problem arises when the child becomes self-critical, sets unattainable standards, and is frustrated or anxious when the planned things crumble down.
At this point, it becomes painful for the parents to see their children suffer and witness how high standards adopted by the kids interfere with their fun in the learning or goal performance.
A seven-year-old kid of my aunt showed signs of Perfectionism when she visited our house on New Year’s Eve. In bright ways, we admire kids whose learnings have a perfectionist touch. Children with such talent hone high values, are goal-oriented, responsible, and high-principled.
But a high dose of perfection also mounts children with an achievement overload. While assisting my aunt’s kid in his homework, I noticed that the child easily crinkled on paper if his work escaped reaching his marked standards.
Inwardly this cute kid seemed inspirational to me. His work ethic was disciplined, but he got easily angry, panicked, continually started over and over again, and subsequently gave up on the learning process when met with failure.
2. Unrealistic nature of perfection triggers pain.
Perfection stretches as a boundless entity, and the expanse of its horizon is limitless. No matter how much the efforts put in, perfection always commands — please improvise a bit more. The impossibly high standards of perfection make the children annoyed and upset when those standards remain unattained. The meltdown occurs when the child internalizes the failure as something immovable within them.
“Parents need to recognize the situations in which their kids are a perfectionist, whether it’s at home, school or preschool,” mentions clinical psychologist Dr. Danielle Einstein.
Perfectionism often becomes apparent in children around the age of six to seven when they start comparing themselves with others; however, one can also see perfectionist tendencies in preschool children. This comparison mindset makes the kids extremely self-critical, harbor them with a negative feeling that aggravates mental health problems. If left unchecked, this unrealistic perfectionism can lead to clinical depression.
Research showed that perfectionism has increased among children and teenagers over the past. By the time children reach the adolescence stage, between 25 and 30 percent will strive for unrealistic perfection, studies suggested. Altogether this will have a painful effect on the child.
While assisting my aunt’s child in his homework, I noticed that the kid continuously spent an unhealthy amount of time in the work and obsessed over the content and the presentation. If he underperformed in small ways, he expressed signs of anxiety and discontentment. He developed an oversensitive behavior towards criticism even if they were constructive and demanded constant assurance to regain confidence.
Altogether, the culture of perfectionism travels with the possibility of exerting inflamed pressure on the child despite its bright side of making the child work hard.
Addressing the perfectionist child
Undoubtedly perfectionists children are desired by parent worldwide. But when children are obsessed with perfection, then most parents get discouraged and continuously look for answers that can reduce their child’s high self-deprecating nature. Overall, the perfectionism storm impacts the child’s psyche, well-being, and relationships at large. It downpours as a total breakdown.
Author of “Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good?” Miriam Adderholdt mentions that “There is a difference between excellence and perfectionism.” The feeling of excellence involves the person being happy about their work, realizing the virtue behind learning, and which appends to their confidence factor. Perfectionism remains based on fault-finding character despite placing in a great effort.
When a person strives for excellence, then the process feels rewarding, whereas perfection rips the heart out of the soul and makes the process feel disheartening.
In such a critical situation, creating opportunities for children to exercise the balance in perfection is essential that can assist them in achieving more. One can start by observing the habits of their children. Notice how the child reacts to failures. If they disregard the adversities, try outlining an optimistic example that makes troubles appear easily acceptable.
Organizational psychologist Adam Grant mentions that the times when setbacks knock his way, he asks his children for advice. He normalizes imperfection for his kids by discussing his shortcomings. If his kids later experienced the same struggles, Grant reminds them of the advice they presented to him.
For managing Perfectionism, parents should:
- Encourage high standards but highlight the difference between Perfectionism and excellence.
- Set realistic strategies devoid of the comparison mindset.
- Remind the child that even if they fail, they still will be loved.
These practices positively impacted my aunt’s son and so can significantly benefit other children. Herein, parents should always focus on rewarding their child’s efforts rather than stressing about the outcome.
Healthily Perfectionism is appealing. It drives the child to improve, to think critically, model self-talk, learn from their mistakes, and indulge a sense of graceful pride in them for further accomplishments.
Perfectionism isn’t always a mournful thing. Although it has certain negatives associated, past studies revealed that perfection gets linked to better school performance results. Provided the only requirement is “knowing the right art of balancing perfection.”
When the child crosses aback from this mathematics, then the outcome seems like a failure iceberg to them. And none of the caring parents would want their child to remain trapped in the vicious web that floods insecurity and self-criticism.
The genetics of perfectionism in a child can be due to inborn tendencies or environmental factors. If your child has unreachable expectations, becomes too harsh on themselves, and runs away from failures, then your child is a Perfectionist. Although you might chin up in the pride of perfection but sadly, this perfection isn’t applaud-worthy.
As a caring guardian, you can work with your child to cultivate a healthier attitude towards their goals. With the passing times, the child will progress with better understanding, realize that perfection is an unattainable spirit, and can embrace imperfection perfectly.
