Making Impressions, A Stoic Perspective
About a week ago, I met someone socially (first meeting), and was having what I believed to be a good conversation. In the middle of the conversation, this person abruptly says, “don’t you care about making a good first impression?” to which I understandably replied, “what?” This person reiterated, “do you care about making a good first impression?” Before I could reply, they continued, “I don’t think you should have said some of the things you said if you’re trying to make a good first impression.” To clarify for context, what I said, which was apparently offensive to this person, was that when first dealing with people, I don’t care much for what they say or think until I get to know them and understand where they are coming from. I try not to make snap judgments on a person’s character, good or bad, and also generally keep people at arm’s length until I know them better.
Personally, I don’t think my statements were offensive, however, let’s take them as given, offensive or not, and get back to the point of this writing. The point is that someone is telling me I should be mindful of what I say to make a good first impression. In other words, what I actually said is irrelevant to this discussion, and the point we are examining is the fact I said something to someone, whatever it happens to be, and the other person has judged that to mean I'm not concerned about making a good first impression. So, the question I was asked, and the question on the table is, do I care about making a good impression, particularly a good first impression? The answer is, no, I do not. Continuing in dialog form, the rest of our conversation…
Them: Do you care about making a good first impression?
Me: No, I don’t.
Them: Why not?
Me: Because I cannot affect what is in your head or what you think. People think what they want to think, and it is not my concern to try to influence or alter what other people think.
Them: So you don’t care what people think?
Me: I did not say that, I said, it is not my concern to influence what people think. There is a difference. I may care very much what you think, depending on who you are and what you think, however, I do not care to influence what you think. Those are different things.
Them: So you don’t think you can make a good first impression, and you don’t try to?
Me: I may make a good first impression, I may not, but no, I don’t go out of my way to make a purposeful good impression. That doesn’t concern me.
Them: So what concerns you?
Me: I have two concerns, to be the most genuine and authentic version of myself, and to continue each day to be a better version of myself. That’s all. What you do or don’t think of me along the way is not in my control, so not something I worry about.
Them: So you don’t care if people don’t like you?
Me: I did not say that. I said I don’t try to make them like me, or worry if they do or don’t.
Them: Why not? Wouldn’t it be better if people liked you?
Me: No. Absolutely not. It would be better if people who are good for me liked me, and it would be better if people who are not good for me disliked me. It’s simple, if you are just yourself, people who like you will naturally gravitate toward you, people who don’t like you will naturally gravitate away from you. I don’t have to influence that process, and I should not try to influence it. That process only requires me to be myself. If I try to influence that process, the only thing I will accomplish is bringing people who are not good for me closer to me, while potentially losing people who are good for me. That doesn’t seem smart to me.
There was more to the conversation, but that portion is sufficient to get to the heart of this writing, which is this; should I, or you, or anyone try and purposefully make good impressions? My answer is no, and that answer is rooted in the Stoic philosophy, a philosophy which I attempt to follow as best I can.
The Stoics teach us basic principles about people, expectations, and reputation. From the writings of Epictetus…
Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are our opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and whatever are not our own thoughts and actions. Examine whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and, if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.
The Stoics believed we cannot control what others think or do, and to attempt to influence those things is a foolish waste of time. I agree. Conversely, modern society teaches us to be extremely concerned with what others think and do, and we are taught from a young age to make good impressions. We are taught to tailor versions of ourselves for presentation to the outside world, changing and adapting to our audience as required. If you take that to its logical conclusion, there is no you, there is only the temporary and hollow version of you which you wear like a costume, to entertain and ingratiate yourself to your current audience. That alone should cause you to pause in aversion, and to realize that is no way to behave for any noble person of good character. However, there is an even deeper cause for concern when you purposefully attempt to influence what others think of you.
Logically, you can only present yourself in one of two ways, i) the genuine and authentic you, and ii) the not genuine and authentic you. In true Stoic fashion, if you present the genuine and authentic you, you have no need to worry about anything else, you are who you are, people think what they think, and there is no cause for further concern. However, if you alter your behavior in any way to purposefully influence what others think of you, you have by definition lied. The very act of purposefully making a good first impression is an act of dishonesty. It’s simple, if you present the true and authentic you, without thought to how you are received, you are simply telling the truth about yourself. If you present anything else, by definition it’s a lie. In other words, if you have to alter who you are and present anything of yourself which is not truly yourself, you are lying. In fact, you are not just lying, you are scheming because your lies are specifically intended to cause others to think and behave towards you in ways counter to your true self. The Stoics had definitive and unequivocal thoughts about truth; truth is the highest ideal, and to stain it or subvert it in any way is the lowest form of behavior.
If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.
— Marcus Aurelius
When you go out of your way to make a good impression, especially a good first impression, you have not only lied, you have denied a very basic fact of life, you cannot purposefully affect what is outside of you, especially not another’s thoughts about you.
The counterargument to this, which I often hear, is that the act of making a good first impression is not necessarily an act of deception, it may simply be a matter of social convention and appropriateness. For example, there are things which are inappropriate to say on a first date, simply out of courtesy or respect. There are things which are inappropriate to say in a job interview because they are not professional. This is true, and the Stoics have an answer to this as well; it is not necessarily a lie to keep the truth to one’s self.
Be for the most part silent, or speak merely what is necessary, and in few words. Attempt on every occasion to provide for nothing so much as that which is safe: for silence is safer than speaking. And omit speaking whatever is without sense and reason.
— Epictetus
The issue comes down to one of intent. If the intent of your silence is simply modesty, safety, and/or propriety, that is not a lie, that is a virtue and exercising good judgment. Conversely, if the intent of your silence is to influence another’s thoughts toward you in a way they would not otherwise think towards you, that is by definition a lie. Specifically, in this case, your silence is a lie of omission, and is directly counter to the Stoic philosophy of virtue and truth in all things.
The Stoics give us clear guidance on making impressions on others, and that guidance is to not concern yourself with such trivialities. Concern yourself with being the most genuine and authentic version of yourself possible. Concern yourself each day with becoming a better version of yourself. Everything else you do to affect what others think of you is a waste of time, and serves no purpose other than to keep those who are not good for you in your circle, while those who are good for you pass you by. Case-in-point, I presented the genuine and authentic me, and the person with whom I had that conversation left the conversation angry with me and my “bad attitude.” 🤣 Good.
