Only after you lose faith, you realise you had one. And that it was wrong.
I decided to dismiss my whole nature — the faithful one— and adopt a new nature that is more useful. People say you cant change who you are, or that you should not, but you watch me. I decided to change the leading aspect of my personality that prescribes me a lifelong suffering. Even if I require years of therapy, psychology books and putting myself through electric shocks and injections, I will become a ‘thinking’ one instead of the ‘feeling’ one.
Not because I am bad or not good enough, but because I want to be better. Because it is interesting to start a new life, in a new skin, with a new outlook on the world. I'm a fighter, a rebel, and fighting own self became the biggest struggle of my life.
People spend lives searching for their true selves, though I have met myself and known it for long now. I have the clear picture of who I am and I am going to abandon it. Now I want to be another version of it — STRONGER.
I want to tell that older self: You are weak, You are not worth living, nothing good will be made of you if you stay the same. You are submissive, vulnerable and accommodating. You are a patient servant, a dutiful caregiver, a helpless teacher of the fool. You will be utilized for others’ wellbeing and never appreciated. This may be who you are, but you don't want to be it. You are a weakling fed off of others’ merciful kindness. You are deprived of life and jaded and nothing will save you. You have to die and another one must be born.
Love, in the form You understand it, is the greatest weakness of the humankind and, while You still think it is a strength, I proceed with condemning it and wholly dismissing it from my life. You will not have the same glory — or rather a pitiful illusion of the glory you think you had. I will not intoxicate my consciousness with unproductive preposterous empathy towards others any longer.
The world seems binary. Everything is divided in Right and Wrong, Black and White, Yin and Yang, Male and Female, One and Zero. And People as well choose sides: those who seek Love, and those who seek Power — as their life-long purpose. YOU have always been the one in the love-group and it never brought ME anything but torture.
Now I am choosing the other group for a change. I want to become like the people I have always admired — bright visionaries, rulers of the world and thinkers of the future — maybe the cold-hearted, but holders of the truth. You didn't bring me any meaningful knowledge through suffering — only a subtle idea about how to avoid a few of the unpleasant circumstances. It is enough.
I will ditch the innocence of my spirit that is sickening and almost stupefying. I will work on eliminating the unproductive emotions. They only come from not holding enough data about surroundings. So I will become the data-collector. I will get the knowledge power, so You, the naive dreamer and faithful believer, will be gone.
One man said that empathy is the product of flawed thinking. Maybe he was right, but he was wrong about me being one of those flawed ones. I’m the power-seeking one. I will use this brain to change the delusional, prejudiced and paradoxical core of my soul, or even destroy, if necessary, to build a new one.
I will create a new operating system for my life — a platform of reason, serenity and mindfulness. The anger will give way to indifference. The fear will become knowledge. I will emerge from the ashes — only stronger and braver.
And even if the devil rises in the face of me — SO LET IT BE.