Love is a curse
Some say there is no worse feeling than being hopelessly in love with someone who is not in love with you. But they aren’t 100% correct. There is something worse. When the person you are in love with is still in your life but they are in love with someone else. Yet you still hold out hope that maybe one day it can be fixed. But they don’t. They say “we can’t be more than friends because” this or that reason. They say “I’m sorry that’s how you feel” or “I’m sorry I’m not saying what you want to hear” all while still being in your life. All while depending on you for friendship and companionship of some sort. Expecting you to be there for them when you need them yet all the while loving someone else.
How do you make it go away? How do you just…give up? I’ve been trying but I just can’t seem to shake it. “Just block his number” “just stop talking to him” “just move on and find someone else”. Those are the things I hear on a daily basis. And while those things are easy to say, they are much harder to do. To convince myself that he is not worthy of my love and that I deserve so much better is so hard. My brain knows. My brain knows he is not the one for me anymore. My brain knows that I should just drop it and move on.
But oh that thing in my chest that knows nothing other than when I see his face, I feel butterflies. When I hear his voice I smile. When he smiles at me, I melt. That damn thing in my chest that always forgets the pain and the anguish that we have put each other through. That thing that forgets how it felt to be ripped apart many times without so much as an “I’m sorry”. That stupid thing in my chest that won’t let it go!!
Why have I been dealt this curse? Why is this my burden to bare now? Why can’t I just wake up one day and not remember the last two years of my life?
Because love…that’s why. Because it’s a curse that I can’t figure out how to break…