7 ways to feel happy forever

Hey you! Yes you, the miserable sack of shit crying in the corner! I’m talking to you!

Are you tired of your life constantly spiralling into a descent of chaos and despair? Are you sick of young children on the street seeing your woe-addled face and immediately flinging themselves into the path of an oncoming bus to save themselves from the horror that is your very existence? Are you feeling kind of cold right now, and wondering whether to put on another layer, but worried you might then be a bit too warm, and considering jumping out of the window just to stop the voices, voices, constant voices?

YOU [clap emoji] DON’T [clap emoji] HAVE [clap emoji] TO [clap emoji] LIVE [clap emoji] THIS [clap emoji] WAY [clap emoji] ANYMORE.

Tear your eyes from the melting Dali-inspired mess that is your mirror, and instead fix them upon me. Me! ME! Look at ME! I’m happy, and free of care, and beloved by all, and I own two coats. But I didn’t have to kill another happy person and eat them to feel this way, oh no. That is so 2015, and apparently isn’t very good for your spleen either. No, I achieved happiness in 7 easy steps — and you can too.

1. Climb a mountain. Looking down at the world from above will not only cleanse your soul, but also set aflame your passion for professional success, for mountains are truly nature’s skyscrapers. If there are no mountains nearby, a neat trick is to get a lift to the top of a tall building, for skyscrapers are truly the city’s mountains. In many cultures it is also customary to stack lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of milk crates in a pleasing pyramid form, for milk crates are truly the world’s milk crates.

2. Do whatever the hell you want, all the time. Go fly that kite. Go swim that sea. Go punch that guy. Go eat that goat. The key to happiness is following your heart, and that means being brave enough to follow through on your desires. If you’re hearing the words “fired”, “police”, “lawsuit” and “bazooka-based vengeance” more than you used to, then congratulations — that means it’s working.

3. Throw caution to the wind. Caution is quite difficult to come by in this country, but you’ll often find clusters of it growing under damp windowsills. If you cultivate enough caution and throw it merrily into the air, you’ll immediately become 17% happier. Make sure the wind’s blowing the right way, of course, or you’ll wind up with messy caution all over your face, yeah it’s just dripping all over you, hot glistening caution all over your face, oh yeah you fucking like that don’t you.

4. Listen to Junior Senior’s Move Your Feet on repeat for forty days and forty nights. This is no joke.

5. Drink Dr Happy’s Happiness-Filled Happy Drink. Don’t let the bright purple colour perturb you — this stuff is nutrient-packed, flavour-bursting, only-sometimes-stroke-inducing goodness. After intensive scientific research, the Dr Happy team have managed to strike the perfect ratio between cocaine and radiation. Alopecia, schmalopecia!

6. Try harder, you lazy worm. Still not happy? It’s quite evident to me that you don’t really want to be happy. Put some real effort into it, go on. Clench your fists, grit your teeth, and really feel that happiness growing inside you. Oh it’s not working? Well ain’t that a crying shame?! You clearly don’t deserve to be happy, so cease clutching at remnants and leave some nice, untainted happiness for the rest of us. Now what? I dunno, kill yourself or something.

7. End each day by consuming three bottles of vodka and a block of brie. Always works for me.

So… happy now?

[This post is sponsored by Dr Happy’s Happiness-Filled Happy Drink]

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