It’s a bad, bad, bad, bad world: a swift guide to shit films

My friend and I went to see Bad Moms yesterday. It’s ostensibly a movie about mothers. Who are bad.

Oh, the scandal! This mother has boobs! BOOBS! No good mother has boobs! What a BAD MOM!

If your immediate reaction to that is OH MY GOD, YOU PAID FOR A CINEMA TICKET TO SEE THAT CRAP??? then do not fear — actually we got a cinema deal and each paid for half a ticket.

If your immediate reaction to that is OH MY GOD, YOU WASTED YOUR CINEMA DEAL TO SEE THAT CRAP??? then, yeah, well, you know what, your mom wasted her cinema deal on that crap. Yeah. She’s a bad mom. I saw her in the movie.

Anyway. Your bad mom made a good decision to go see this movie about herself, and so did we. This film is a rootin’ tootin’ hoot. It features a dog wearing a bicycle helmet and never explains why. It makes baffling jokes about Jews joining ISIS. It spends approximately eight thousand years talking about the INCREDIBLY RARE AND MYSTERIOUS THING that is — gasp — an uncircumcised penis.

This movie seriously sucks. Obvzzz, that’s why it’s so fucking funny.

The whole “so bad it’s good” thing isn’t new. There’s a whole slew of them, we all know that. That’s why my friend and I paid full price to go see Robert De Niro hump unsuspecting youths in Dirty Grandpa (SORRY NOT SORR- well, okay, quite sorry).

Having been a connoisseur of these films for many a moon, I’ve seen it all: the bad rom-coms, the bad thrillers, the bad kids’ films, the bad dramas… just, the bad.

I’ve laid them out in a series of six handy categories. So whatever your mood, you can find the right bad movie for you. You’re very very welcome.

  1. Day-to-day life is HAAAAARD
Sex and the City 2, starring Regular Women Who Are Just Like You.

Guys, have you ever noticed how incredibly hard it is to find love? I swear I had it, right here, but I turned around for a second and now it’s gone again. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker in Failure to Launch. Or Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City 2. Or Sarah Jessica Parker in New Year’s Eve.

Various rom-coms and spring break style movies, like Dirty Grandpa (AKA ‘Why Robert De Niro, Why?’), Valentine’s Day (AKA ‘If You’re Alone On February 14th You Might As Well Kill Yourself’), Just My Luck (AKA ‘McFly Are In It WTF’) or What Happens in Vegas (AKA ‘It Barely Even Takes Place In Vegas For The Love O-’) have taught me that other common parts of life are similarly difficult. For example: talking to someone you like without drooling and flailing your limbs; having a boss who isn’t a tyrannical dictator; staying upright; having any shred of standards or self-respect at all.

2. Animals do the darndest things

This poster tells you literally everything you need to know about the movie.

Abner the dog accidentally drinks something that gives him the powers of speech and invisibility. This paragon of cinema teaches your children that they should always let their dogs imbibe mysterious toxic liquids, and if they don’t, they’re selfishly denying their dog special powers!

Watch out for your cat as well, because as Nine Lives shows us, the hapless Kevin Spacey may well have swapped bodies with it. And watch out for your guinea pigs too, because like in G-Force, they may well be super-intelligent secret agents on a mission to stop the one and only Kip Killian. (Seriously. Killian. He has “kill” in his name. Also, he’s played by Will Arnett. Did you really need the guinea pigs to tell you he’s the bad guy?)

3. Sequels, sequels, everywhere

As we all know, wearing pink and purple is an indicator of some serious meanness.

Mean Girls 2 — In which some girl meets some girls and makes friends with some girls and gets angry at some girls and betrays some girls and plays football with some girls. They do the “Girls” part of the title extremely well.

S. Darko — In which Donnie Darko’s younger sister runs around complaining about how she’s too perfect for life.

American Psycho 2 — In which Mila Kunis tries to be a good criminology student by murdering a bunch of people and hiding them in her dorm room closet.

Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows — In which there is no single, solitary mention of a book of shadows.

4. Fucktastic beasts and where to find them

This is my favourite character in any movie ever. Sorry, Atticus Finch.

Strange creatures from outer spaaaaace! Or, from Washington staaaaaate, if you’re Bella Swan from Twilight and accidentally stumble upon a family of vegetarian vampires who consume meat to live. We’ve all been there, am I right? Am I right?

Then there’s the aquatic world, full of bloodthirsty Sharknados, Megasharks and Giant Octopuseseseses.

And please, please, please never move to a town called Nilbog. As our wry protagonist notes in a scene of particularly acute observation, it’s “goblin” spelled backwards. Because it’s a goblin town of goblins who eat goblin food and drink goblin drinks and seek to wreak goblin vengeance in the manner of goblins. Little wonder the film is called… Troll 2.

5. Complete and utter ineptitude

Oh NO!!!!!!!!

Now we come to the movies which can barely even be defined as movies. They’re more botched PowerPoint presentations with ClipArt GIFs and constant sound imbued with static.

Take Birdemic, where a young couple preparing to bone are rudely interrupted by some birds. “Some birds?!” they wail in despair. “Why must you stop us from boning?” Cue a terrifying chase through the streets and forests. It’s terrifying primarily because the birds are so ridiculously, absurdly, ludicrously fake that you despair for the future of humanity whenever you consider how the hell this movie even got made.

Then there’s good old Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake, which is an excellent movie all about me and how excellent I am. In this excellent picture I live in an excellent lake and attack excellent victims because I am an excellent frog of the excellent sort. In one excellent scene an excellent man gets pushed off an excellent boat whilst an excellent rendition of the excellent Swan Lake plays excellently. In conclusion, anything called Rana = excellent.

Also, be sure to check out anything by Neil Breen. Fateful Findings (directed by Neil Breen, produced by Neil Breen, written by Neil Breen, edited by Neil Breen, starring Neil Breen) has this tagline: “A paranormal thriller where a computer hacker exposes worldwide secrets.” Guess who plays the hacker? Hint: it’s not Tommy Wiseau.

6. The Room

The kind of joy you can only experience when you’ve accomplished the greatest feat known to mankind.

Speaking of the almighty deity himself, I have to say that The Room is completely impossible to categorise. Hence it gets the final category all to itself. Tommy Wiseau’s disasterpiece transcends all human notions of cinema, culminating in a piece of film so insanely bad that it loops the circle right round and becomes the greatest film ever made.

It has a dress, badly orchestrated sex, a beard, a doggie, more badly orchestrated sex, a pizza, a horrific vodka-wine cocktail, yet more badly orchestrated sex, a cancer diagnosis, a drug deal, even more badly orchestrated sex, a party, a death. Not to mention all the badly orchestrated… music.

Do I even have to say anything? You are The Room. I am The Room. The Room is light. The Room is sound. The Room is all things. The Room is… The Room is.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.