Why do gay men and trans men never have this conversation?

Demand sex? Not that all transfeminine people take hormones, but it seems an unfortunately common trope to impute transgender women with “male” sex drives despite the fact estrogen HRT more often than not trashes sex drive and gendering sex drive disempowers female sexuality and justifies sexual misconduct in men.

“Emotional labor” is an interesting phrase. If you mean that transgender women and even nonbinary identified people are more visible than transmen when it comes to advocating for their emotional and for justice in community relationships, that would be accurate. It’s not that men don’t have needs, but that communication styles are heavily influenced by gender. Transmen are no better equipped to be emotionally articulate than cismen. Some want to argue a neurological cause for this, that the bundle of nerves connecting the hemispheres of the human brain are thicker in women than men, a physiological difference between the binary genders that seems to hold without respect of whether or a person is transgender. In theory, the thicker “bridge” between the hemispheres of the brain makes women better at understanding and articulating emotions.

To say that gay men don’t have this conversation between transgender and cisgender members, however, would be a mistake. I haven’t looked for it in the blogosphere, but there is life outside of Tumblr. I have transmen among my friends who’ve received hatred and threats — death threats and rape threats — from Grindr and Craigslist contacts. And just as there is porn that fetishizes transwomen, you’ll find transmasculine porn if you know where to look. I cite pornography and hook up culture as evidence that a conversation is taking place, not characterizing these things as the extent of the conversation. Nor do I attach any values to pornography and hook ups.

The context of the original article was a rash of articles in a lesbian culture blog fetishizing AFAB genderfluid people. Treating genderfluid people differently depending on whether they have penises or vaginas is oh so transphobic. It’s a denial of the fundamental reality of nonbinary genders.

The whole “transwomen want access to my body and that’s creepy because they have penises” argument is a derailment to the central issue that women are women, men are men and there are a whole slough of people who are genders distinctly different from those and their genders don’t have anything to do with the appearance of their genitals either. On an individual level, nobody wants anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with. On a social justice level, realize that reducing a person to their genitals is problematic. Don’t date or have sex with anyone you feel uncomfortable about. Do acknowledge that your discomfort is evidence of an attitude that needs to be dealt with.

Am I specifically accusing you of being transphobic? Yes, I am. Deal with it. Please.

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