Why I Lost Most of My Friends
It was their fault. And mine.
So maybe I am totally a jerk.
That would be some people’s opinions of me, I am sure, just like I am certain people have the same opinion of you. Somewhere on the planet right now, someone probably hates you too.
I am not alone there. You are a jerk too, so let’s get that out of the way.
If all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world. -Blaise Pascal
However, I lost my friends for many reasons that nothing to do with me being a jerk.
1. I Changed
I changed a lot over the last several years.
And many people liked the “old” me better. The truth of the matter is that sometimes people are friends with us because we make them feel better about themselves. And not in a two-way street kind of way — the comparison kind of way.
Well, that one is a hot mess. So I’ll bring her along with me — so I’ll be thinner, prettier, smarter and classier, they think.
When we are more depressed, more messed up and crazier than our friends — some friends like that, and they like us more. I had a lot more friends when I was crazier, less together and more depressed.
I had more friends when I cared more about what they thought than I cared about how I felt.
Now? Well, I don’t particularly care how people feel about my choices, my life and my direction.
I care about the people who I truly love. I care about those who are broken and lost, needing a friend, a voice or hope. Those are my people.
Not the ones who choose me because I provide a step-stool to get over the hump of their insecurities or their complete lack of creativity and imagination.
2. I Chose the Wrong Friends
For a long period of time, I chose friends who lived on and breathed drama.
And as such, their drama found me. The dramatic, gossipy, instant-send-you-a-message-in-a-second-on-Facebook people were my friends. They were my network. That’s because I used to drink a lot and after 9pm, I looked for drama and my other drama-laden friends were all about feeding it.
After a while, I got tired, but I was still feeding them and myself on it.
Because, well, they were my “friends.”
After a while I had real drama go down in my life, and interestingly the life-breathing friendships got really quiet. All of the sudden, it wasn’t fun for them to actually reach out a hand or an ear to help — it was all about using my story to gossip to someone else.
I finally understood.
It wasn’t them. It was me. I simply chose wrong.
It’s hard to tell who has your back, from who has it long enough just to stab you in it….- Nicole Richie
3. I Took Everything Personally
That old saying, “Everything is not about you?” Well, turns out that there is some truth to that. Like 100% truth to it.
I also learned this lesson: when someone can’t be bothered to talk to you about something that is bothering them honestly, openly and as a friend and instead they choose the path of anger, back-stabbing and drama, then there is truly nothing for you to do. You are done.
After all, how are we to make amends when we do not know what we did wrong? When we are given literally no opportunity to course correct or mend the situation? When people just ghost us, and feature us as the idiot star on a group text?
That’s not actually about you either.
The verdict has come in — that’s all about the other person.
When someone chooses to stab you in the back, just pull out the knife, wipe off the blade, hand it back to them… and walk away.
I learned that despite the millions of grave errors in judgment that I have made in my life, the biggest one was thinking that anything was really about me.
4. No One Bothered to Ask for the Truth
This is my favorite and it’s closely related to Number 3.
I think humans as a species are inherently incapable of being neutral in situations. When something happens, we scurry and scamper to one side — declare our allegiance, blindly and without facts.
Perception is a nasty thing, because well, it’s not the truth — it’s a feeling.
Perception is not only an outward view, but it’s dragging our own experience (and inadequacies and faults) right to the forefront.
I learned this year to just ask the truth when I feel the need to pick a side. Turned out that was so wrong about many things when I asked the right questions.
Make as many friends as you can, but don’t build your life on them alone. It’s an unstable foundation.- Sean Covey
5. I Faced Inward — to My Inner Circle
When I took a moment to examine my close circle of friends and my family, I understood where to move forward and focus my attention and direction.
I got busy over the last year, and I neglected following up and reaching out to friends — I tried to rectify that, and in turn, I realized quickly which friends were truly still there.
This is the part of the article where I stopped being a jerk. I said I was sorry where it was necessary. I asked for forgiveness. I explained my side. I tried to rescue what was left.
Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t — that was on me.
6. I Chose To Say Goodbye
I lost most of my friends because I chose to walk away.
For reasons coupled with drama, lies, back-stabbing, rudeness, or more, I simply chose to walk away from friendships this year.
While that might seem to be a lonely road, I came across this quote:
If friends disappoint you over and over, that’s in large part your own fault. Once someone has shown a tendency to be self-centered, you need to recognize that and take care of yourself; people aren’t going to change simply because you want them to. — Oprah Winfrey
When I look at friendships in light of Oprah’s quote, I realize that I had a lot of growing up to do.
And amazingly and by the grace of God, I appear to have done just that.
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Meredith Atwood / Swim Bike Mom is an author and motivational speaker. Her books: The Year of No Nonsense: How to Get Over Yourself and On with Your Life and Triathlon for the Every Woman. You can be a Triathlete.Yes. You. (Hachette Books). Follow everywhere at @SwimBikeMom and www.SwimBikeMom.com
