A New Beginning

I don’t know about the rest of you, but every time I enter a new chapter in my life, I always feel anxious. It’s one step closer to death, one step away from the younger me with all those memories I recently accumulated. One step into a whole new world with new experiences and anxieties. Of course, I may be a bit morbid because the last experience I went through (this past summer) left me very sad and I don’t feel ready for this new one. I feel like I’m still picking up the pieces of myself and trying to make them fit while the deadline of this new dawn looms closer every minute. Maybe that’s why I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.

But despite myself, I’m finding ways to cope. I may not be healing any faster but I’m adjusting. This is definitely helping me, as is talking to my boyfriend. Talking is always nice. Life is going by so fast. Time passes so quickly. Today was the last day of my summer job and tomorrow is the first day of school. It’s been a week without my boyfriend and a month since the end of my internship. Things are zooming by. I can see the clock ticking, I feel the aches and pains physically and mentally. And yet, it’s all just an instant in the time of the universe. People’s stories and lifetimes have come and gone. I wonder what happened to them. Surely, our lives are worth more than the instant we’re given to live it?

I have pain and sorrow and the experiences that give me anxiety. But why? Why can’t I live my life the way I want to live it? For all that is solid knowledge to me, I have a single life to live. If my spirit can indeed live on, then at least my body is aging. The body set in this day and age, the only way I can experience it all. Why shouldn’t I have the right to seek my own happiness? Why must I be trapped within the confines of social expectation? Their lives are theirs and I don’t want to care. I have my own life to worry about. But if I do veer from the beaten path and seek my own destiny, there are those I care about who’d mourn for me. For the sake of their hearts, I stay. And because I know no one will accompany me. I don’t want to be alone. I love and for that, I’m doomed.

Hope everyone has a good first day of school.

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