3/33 Story continues
Upon attending DTS, I aspired to becoming a pastor for a ministry focused on the next generation. A pastor? Why a pastor you ask?
- Christina Kim, so many years ago she had this passion and fire for God. She still does. Her simple love and joy burned brightly from her demeanor and smile. You could see this amazing life, being used by the Lord in ministry as she led worship and spoke these stories of God’s amazing grace and character. She was so certain of her Identity and worth in Him, that her purpose was to love and serve Him and every breath she took she pursued it. And I fell in love with that passion and desire to serve the Lord, I wanted to do that.
- There were 2 very specific instances where I had first hand experienced the power of God. 1. The summer, I graduated from High School and I to my horror had been dumped by my first boyfriend that I loved and held so many hopes to marry (silly, I know but I was young and in love). I fell into deep depression and anger for a good majority of 3 months, till I had attended a retreat. On the last day of that retreat, there was an hour of focused prayer and worship. Instead of standing with the rest of the students, I was hiding outside huddled in the rain on the porch crying in my misery of disappointed hopes and worthlessness. That night, our pastor-Christina Kim the same one that I mentioned above came to me, and stared straight into my eyes, steady and strong. And said- “stop crying, Hyon Ji.. God loves you so much. You are beautiful and precious to Him.” She didn’t have to ask me what was wrong, or try to comfort me with the needless- itll be okay. All she said was God loves you, and her eyes, just her presence spoke words, gave comfort and I knew then God does exist, his power does exist in His people. 2. At a Revival Night, at Summit Church in Addison, TX- only 2 years ago- did something very similar. He called those who wanted healing or freedom from bondage of fear, anger, bitterness, anxiousness etc to come up and He would pray over them. They were avid believers of spiritual healing, that prayer carried power. At first, I couldnt muster up the courage to approach him, but near the end as everyone was leaving I shuffled up to him and just looked at him. Whispering to him, asking if he could pray for me. All he had to do was look at me, look into my eyes and he said “oh sweetie, come here- don’t be afraid” and with that he prayed over me. I could not describe to you what exactly he did to me, but I knew that he knew what my prayer was.. I fell overcome by a presence or power of the Spirit and at that moment I did not feel fear, I was no longer riddled with fear or anxiousness. With the proof that God’s power exists in His servants, I wanted to help people, to change lives in such a way.
- Vision from the Lord. My desire, became His desire. As he wishes for his people to proclaim his name, to speak about his unconditional love and grace, I wanted to do the same. I no longer wanted to be disappointed by these relationships, pursuing this endless validation from people. He granted me a vision in which my life was spent in doing that exact thing, To stand before people an audience/crowd and to speak about Him, about all that he has done. Where my life became an example for others to see, that such a girl who was broken and lost was saved and transformed.
Of course, there were many reasons that fueled doubt in this choice. Finances, life circumstances, the lives that you would be held accountable, the exposure of your private life, your weaknesses and sins are exposed more clearly and stark to the eyes of your peers, the sacrifices were endless. During my internship, in the Fall2016 I became so aware this-of my sins, faults and weaknesses. It crippled me for the longest time, I spent so many days and nights crying in fear and despair that I did not have what it took to do this purpose. However, in many ways (that I will share along the way) I had been restored even in that.
Even then, statistics that so many people start in seminary serving in ministries and will fall out and quit because it became too hard. Churches that close down or have become stagnant or stood only as bobble heads of the christian faith that was once genuine and passionate. Trust me, I battle these doubts even now.. like I’m sure so many others do. Some days are harder than others to overcome, but in this experiment of 33 days I have become more sure, more aware of his power and of this purpose.