Fighter
guards the entrance

I wonder if this is how Mr. McCormick looked? I can’t remember him. The neighbors said his eyes were terrifying. My therapist asked to talk to Sewer the other day, but that’s not who she got. I felt it was someone with another name, but I couldn’t remember, until just now, what it was. Today I started listening to a Simon and Garfunkel mix on YouTube — on came The Boxer. You probably know the last line:
“but the fighter still remains.”
Fighter, that’s it, that’s her name. Fighter is not as scary as this picture, but she guards the underground tunnels where Sewer has been hiding. Sewer is a little girl. Fighter is a five year old dragon. Five year old dragons, unlike five year old girls, are extremely strong and fierce. Some day I will paint her, the way she really looks.
“and a rock feels no pain. and an island never cries.”
I am a Rock — now playing. The dam is going to break soon. I can see cracks forming, just like in the Mighty Mouse cartoon. Mighty Mouse isn’t real. He never ever came to Mr. McCormick’s house. One day maybe I’ll cry.
“I’d rather feel the earth beneath my feet, yes I would”
El Condor Pasa. My therapist is real. She isn’t scared of Fighter. Fighter tried to scare her. Fighter was testing, I realize. We can start to believe that my therapist is not going to be scared of any parts of me. She seems to be strong under fire, and to know what to do.
Sharkey approached her first. He is smoother and more worldly than Fighter, who fights “tooth and nail.” On June 14th Sharkey sent my therapist an e-mail about me, her client, the one she likes:
Dear Therapist,
If you need to refer her, the time would be now. I would not hold it against you. This is not the one you like, nor the little ones who are so attached to you. The one you like is trying to override this. That would be stupid. Pandora’s box is open.
Do you know what came out of that box after all the demons?
I’m not going to say, maybe you know the story. But first the demons.
I truly don’t know if you can handle this. I sense that maybe you don’t know either. Please decide. I will go with what you decide. I know you are serious. It’s good to laugh, but not too much. We have to be serious now.
Thanks,
Sharkey

We even sent her a link to the Sharkey blog post that has this picture in it. My therapist doesn’t blink with this stuff! Every time I think I’ve gotten way too weird, or scary, and she’s going to dismiss me, she comes back with something like this:
I am not afraid to work with you or your parts. I do sense that it is very scary for you and that we may need to go more slowly and do some planning for safety… your safety and mine. Let’s talk more about how to do this when you come next week. If you want to come in sooner, let me know. No need to be sorry. Your concerns make sense.
Warmly
Your Therapist
Sometimes she tries to tell me I’m “courageous.” I hate that word! I told her so. Brave is a better word. But you know who is really brave?
She is.
Because of the way she handles her role when these scary parts of me show up, I start to understand myself, and why those parts are there, and what they want. If she handled these episodes with any fear, or with any anger, or if I sensed her distancing herself at all from me, I’d be shamed, stuck, left alone in my nightmare.
I hate the word “gratitude” too, but if I didn’t, I might be tempted to use it.
