To my future lover/other

I want to be close to you.

I apologize if I try to be too close too often but my skin does not feel the presence of another very frequently so I think I may have a chronic deficiency, I’m sorry.

Growing up I was taught that a marriage does not inherently entail intimacy by two parents i never once remember seeing embrace.

Growing up I was taught that access to my body was a responsibility intrinsically gifted to the men in my life to apply to me when they chose. So in high school I would stand with my back arched pushing my ass out in a fucked up desire for someone to pick me.

Growing up I was taught that physical intimacy was reserved for romantic relationships so I grew to revere supportive pats on the back, long hugs from family members and affectionate cuddling with girlfriends. I told them I’m just not that kind of person.

My convoluted relationship with physical touch has misconstrued pleasure and vulnerability to the point where I can rarely fully achieve either.

Physical interactions with men in my life are always too long and too hard because I am overcompensating, trying to make up for lost time.

I am taught to see myself as strong, independent and autonomous and my body as sacred, a temple, and a gift but now I stand so secluded amongst mixed meanings that I can never really set myself free.

I hug my pillow so tightly to me when I sleep that the lines are pressed into my skin for hours after I wake but my own touch has never felt as good as someone else’s because I was taught that my own body is not mine to control.

To my future other,
hold me.